Children are crazy spazzes. It's true, they are absolutely mental. Today we get out list of scenes for the week (I'll post it at the bottom) and then Julian, Nasim, Abby, Kristen, Fred, Jimmy, Tina, and myself went to a benefit at a hotel and painted kids faces. We also gave out a crapload of autographs. But the reason why I say that kids are crazy spazzes is because I was on the dance floor with Nasim and one of the kids there hits me with a balloon sword and I pretend to be hurt, and she calls 60 OTHER CHILDREN TO ATTACK ME. It was fun...yet exhausting. You'll never believe who I met there. Robert Downey Jr. He wasn't there for the event he was just in the hotel because he was filming in New York City and he came into the ball room because he heard that we were going to be there and he wanted to say ""Hi!". The next little script (thats in dark blue) is written by the bride herself; Kristen Wiig
ROBERT
(to KRISTEN'S hand) Well isn't this a schnazzy ring...(to FRED) knew you could do it! (pats him on the shoulder. ABBY walks up to him and extends her arm)
ABBY
Hi, I'm Abby Elliot and I'm a huge fan of yours...!
ROBERT
(shaking her hands) Well, nice to meet you Abby. (turning back to KRISTEN and FRED) So, I got your invitation but I'll probably be late, that okay?
KRISTEN
Robert I'm ashamed of you.
FRED
We only invited you to the wedding. And you're not even going to see the beginning of it? Wow.
ROBERT
Ha ha, okay. So where's this Christina Essenelle chick?
FRED
Uhm...she's here somewhere.
KRISTEN
Why do you ask?
ROBERT
No, I hear a lot about this girl. She's like the new Miley Cyrus or something.
FRED
So she smokes Salvia.
ROBERT
I would only assume.
KRISTEN
She does. I gave it to her.
ROBERT
Actually?
FRED
HELL NO. She's the most straight edge person I know. She doesn't even drink.
KRISTEN
Well that's because she doesn't know if she's 21 or not.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
FRED
Well Christina is an orphan, and she lived in a really bad orphanage and so she doesn't know when she was born, birthday and what not.
ROBERT
Oh wow really?
KRISTEN
Yeah, how much does that suck? Could you imagine not knowing when your birthday is?
ROBERT
Yeah I guess, she really doesn't know how old she is? Don't they have tests for that?
FRED
They do, but the thing is if she's under the age of 18 she can't be on SNL anymore because it'd be illegal.
ROBERT
Oh wow yeah...that's really awful.
FRED
Yeah well, life's a bitch. (from the other side of the room CHRISTINA is walking over with two bowls of glitter in her hands)
KRISTEN
Although it's funny, despite her having a shitty life and all she's like the happiest person I know.
FRED
Also the luckiest.
ROBERT
Ha, yeah that I can believe. From what I've heard she talked to Seth Meyers one day, went to Alaska with the SNL cast and then got on the show by recommendation.
KRISTEN
Oh no no no, she met Seth on a train as she was doing a comedic bit to someone, he took her to the studio to introduce her to everyone and then everyone loved her so she went with us to Alaska to go and have some fun with Tina Fey then we basically made her an audition tape in which Will Forte sent to Lorne personally.
FRED
So you weren't that off but it wasn't all luck. But when Will Forte recommends you, you know you're good.
KRISTEN
And she is good.
ROBERT
Yeah so I hear. Well I've also seen a few episodes. I love her in the Digital Shorts.
FRED
Yeah she's great. But she's a real sweetheart too.
KRISTEN
Yeah if you ever have a problem in your life, go to her because if she wasn't on TV she'd be a psychologist. (CHRISTINA is about 10 feet away)
FRED
Speak of the devil, there she is. Christina! (he waves her down and she looks up, looks at FRED then at ROBERT and trips on the chair next to her and the glitter is thrown into the air. Most of it falls on her and the rest on the carpet.)
KRISTEN
Oh geez.(They all go over but ROBERT leans down first and lends her a hand. She takes it blushing and gets off the floor with glitter falling off her as she stands up. She offers her hand to ROBERT)
CHRISTINA
Hi, I'm-
ROBERT
Covered in glitter.
CHRISTINA
Yeah...
ROBERT
(laughing) it's alright I'm Mr. Downey Jr.
CHRISTINA
Hi Mr. Downey Jr. I take it you've-
ROBERT
Yes I've read you're blog
CHRISTINA
Wow you really like-
ROBERT
interrupting people I know. I'm aspiring to be Kanye someday. Wish me luck.
CHRISTINA
(laughing) Ha ha, I can see it now...
ROBERT
No I'm not really like that. That'd be way too annoying.
CHRISTINA
Yeah I hoped so.
FRED
So, Christina we were just talking about you.
CHRISTINA
All bad things I assume.
KRISTEN
Oh but of course. (FRED and KRISTEN leave awkwardly when the silence rises)
ROBERT
They're really sweet.
CHRISTINA
Oh yeah I love them, are you going to their wedding by any chance?
ROBERT
I am in fact, what about you? Or are you too young to be in a Vegas Hotel? (winking)
CHRISTINA
I don't know I might be!
ROBERT
Yeah they were telling me about your whole age thing, how old do you think you are?
CHRISTINA
I'm really not sure to be honest I think I look 19 20ish. What about you, what do you think I look like?
ROBERT
What do I think you look like? I think you look beautiful.
CHRISTINA
Such gentlemen live in New York City these days...
ROBERT
Ha! I would only assume you would think that.
CHRISTINA
What do you mean?
ROBERT
Well obviously you're going to think people are nice because they're nice to you.
CHRISTINA
And is that a bad thing?
ROBERT
Well it makes your image of people skewed.
CHRISTINA
Well I'd rather have a skewed positive image than a correct negative one.
ROBERT
Well aren't you Little Miss Sunshine.
CHRISTINA
Well aren't you cynical. Shall I call you Dr. House or Dr. Holmes?
ROBERT
Robert is fine (winking)
CHRISTINA
Good. Now I must say, you are much handsomer in person than in film. And you're pretty dead sexy in film.
ROBERT
Why thank you.
CHRISTINA
Yeah I was just watching "Two Girls and One Guy".
ROBERT
Oh really?
CHRISTINA
And by watching "Two Girls and One Guy" I mean I skipped 45 minutes in and watched you and Heather Graham get it on.
ROBERT
I like that you know exactly where in the movie it is.
CHRISTINA
Not gonna lie, I liked your "Where the fuck are you going" moment to the awkward tongue-ing moment.
ROBERT
You are a card.
CHRISTINA
I try (smiling)
ROBERT
So tell me, is Jimmy Fallon a good kisser?
CHRISTINA
Quite, what about Heather Graham? Does she give good hand jobs?
ROBERT
Her pantomime ones are better, you know the ones we filmed.
CHRISTINA
How daring of the director to do that scene.
ROBERT
Yeah, hey what were you doing watching one of my movies from like 10 years ago?
CHRISTINA
Are they off limits to my pupils!?
ROBERT
I banned them in the state of New York thank you very much.
CHRISTINA
Thank you Julian Assange.
ROBERT
He's had tabs on me for years...
CHRISTINA
Shit happens.
ROBERT
Shit happens...
CHRISTINA
You know what I like about you?
ROBERT
What?
CHRISTINA
You're not a dick.
ROBERT
No but I have one.
CHRISTINA
That's good to know.
ROBERT
(awkward silence)...Okay why am I not a dick.
CHRISTINA
Well you haven't proven to be an asshole yet.
ROBERT
Wait, so I'm not a dick or an asshole?
CHRISTINA
You're also not a ball sack.
ROBERT
Am I boobs then?
CHRISTINA
Are you more than one person?
ROBERT
Oh of course excuse me, am I a boob?
CHRISTINA
(laughing) You never know!
ROBERT
I like you.
CHRISTINA
We should hang out.
ROBERT
(lost in thought)...get my number.
CHRISTINA
Wanna here a crazy idea.
ROBERT
Possibly.
CHRISTINA
....
ROBERT
Yes, what is it.
CHRISTINA
You can give me your number, instead of me finding it out from someone else.
ROBERT
Now that is some quick thinking skills you got there on you Essenelle.
CHRISTINA
That's street smarts there on me Downey...Jr.
ROBERT
You know who you remind me of?
CHRISTINA
God.
ROBERT
No.
CHRISTINA
(sighing) WHO?
ROBERT
Rachel McAdams
CHRISTINA
No.
ROBERT
No you absolutely remind me of Rachel McAdams.
CHRISTINA
No way! She's way, WAY more talented, gorgeous, and down right sexier than me.
ROBERT
Uhhh no comment.
CHRISTINA
You know who you remind me of?
ROBERT
Someone who I don't look like?
CHRISTINA
Clever.
ROBERT
I look like clever? I don't think I've heard of him before...
CHRISTINA
Oh no Clever's a hermaphrodite you sexist pig!
ROBERT
Oh well, I never said I appreciated the halfies.
CHRISTINA
(laughing) that's fucked up.
ROBERT
Hey are you allowed to be saying those words???
CHRISTINA
Shut the fuck up you mother fucking shit head cunt ass fucker.
ROBERT
Let's hope I don't tell your mother about this.
CHRISTINA
(awkward pause) Let's see if you can find her.
ROBERT
Oh no Christina I forgot about-
CHRISTINA
No it's fine. It's not like I actually knew them.
ROBERT
Still that was inconsiderate of me to say and I apologize. (looking down)
CHRISTINA
Robert. (he looks up pleadingly)
ROBERT
Yes?
CHRISTINA
Give me your damn phone number.
ROBERT
(laughing) Okay. (he takes a pen from the table behind him and write the number on CHRISTINA's hand)
CHRISTINA
Let's keep in touch.
ROBERT
Whatever you say chickadee.
CHRISTINA
I'm not sure if thats an insult or not.
ROBERT
I called you a bird's name, how is that an insult?
CHRISTINA
Chickadee: a fat yellow bird which does almost nothing but sit and eat. Chickadee.
ROBERT
(taking her hood and putting it over her face) Shut up street smarts.
CHRISTINA
I'll see you around.
ROBERT
Wait, Christina! (she turns around)
CHRISTINA
What?
ROBERT
There's a chair to your left...you might wanna watch out for tha-(she takes on of the glitter containers to her left and throws it at ROBERT it covers him in pink glitter, she gasps)
CHRISTINA
I didn't know that was open!!
ROBERT
Oh now you're dead. (he chases after her as she runs away screaming throwing bits of glitter behind her back. CHRISTINA stops in front of a few wires and carefully walks over them and ROBERT grabs her from behind and shakes her) How am I going to get this glitter off of me.
CHRISTINA
(releasing herself of his grasp) A bath? (she starts to walk away when ROBERT grabs her wrist)
ROBERT
Where the hell do you think you're going?
CHRISTINA
I AM NOT HEATHER!!
ROBERT
(he brings her closer to him and grabs her in a bear hug as she struggles to get away)
CHRISTINA
Admit it, you just wanted to hug me.
ROBERT
(laughing) Admit it, you pictured yourself as Heather in the movie.
CHRISTINA
Ha! Oh Robert I feel a good friendship coming on.
ROBERT
Cum on?
CHRISTINA
A very good relationship. Now please let me go so I can properly say goodbye to you. (he lets go of her and she turns around and they embrace) Toodles!
ROBERT
(walking away) I'm not your blog!
CHRISTINA
GOODBYE ROBERT.
ROBERT
Thank you!
Monologue (Cookie Monster)
Mark Zuckerberg (Andy, Bill)
The Miley Cyrus Show (Vanessa, Jason)
Digital Short (Andy, Jorma, Akiva, Jessica Alba, Blake Lively)
Larry King Live (Fred, Keenan, Kristen, Abby)
Under-Underground Records (Jason, Christina, Bobby, Jay)
Update (Seth, Keenan, Taran, Abby, Fred, Bill, Bobby)
It's a Wonderful Life (Bill, Jason Abby, Andy, Paul Fred, Taran, Kristen, Bobby, Nasim, Christina)
Jeff'd (Paul, Jason, Taran, Christina, Keenan, Andy)
General Store (Vanessa, Bill, Kristen, Bobby, Jason)
Kardashian Holiday (Nasim, Abby, Vanessa)
