Vanessa Bayer
by Christina Essenelle
Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa....being at the bottom of the SNL totem poll sucks, but it is where you are. It's because you're pain stakingly shy, and don't really like hanging out at 30 Rock so we really don't get to see you, and you're not really in any of the skits except for walk ins because that's literally your role in the NBC Building! Vanessa, we see you for 6 seconds. Literally, "Hey everyone!" "Hey Vanessa wanna-" "Got to go, bye!". I want to see more of you, I remember when we first hung out in the conference room and you watched ANTM (America's Next Top Model) with me and we gossiped for hours? That was really fun! Remember when you screamed for 10 minutes this morning telling me to take a shower because you remembered that I had face paint on last night? That was not fun! Seriously, never wake me up unless you're Nasim Pedrad because then I can handle it, and it's not just me you woke up...it was Julian Casablancas next to me, Bill Hader next door to me, and Bobby Moynihan on the other next door to me! So, watch what you scream at 6AM.
Vanessa if I have one thing to love about you it's your hair. It's the most amazing thing I've seen in my life. It's bouncy, full of awesometocity, and makes me smile everytime I see it. You know what else makes me smile? YOUR SMILE. It's huge (no offense) and beautiful. If it was huge and black I would probably not want to be around you but you're teeth are so obnoxiously bright that I wear sunglasses around you. Your dentist must be proud. I definitely think you should be in more scenes from now on, seriously talk to Seth he will write you SOMETHING. And to be popular in SNL is to be a great impressionist. Take Jay for example, everyone loves him because his impressions are DA BOMB. So I do hope you read this, because you're beautiful, definitely talented, and I want to see more of you.
