My name is Christina Essenelle and I am the SNL Storm.
I've been called the SNL storm ever since I joined the show 3 weeks ago, but the cast has called me that since I met them 6 weeks ago. Since this blog is 6 weeks late let me catch you up to date. I am an orphan, I'm still unadopted and my age is still unsure. I was born in New York City and later given up at Spence-Chapin Adoption Agency. I lived there for my entire life, and at the Center the kids have this thing where the oldest teaches one kid everything they know, and then that kid teaches the kids and so on and so forth. I was chosen by Nick and he's the one that named all of us in my generation. So technically I have no name either. The first thing Nick taught me was to trick people, to lie, to cheat, and to steal. When I was around six years old I snuck into an elementary school, and have been sneaking into school ever since. That's how I became educated. I would steal food to feed the kids at the orphanage, because we really didn't have any. I was practically their mother. 6 weeks ago I was on the train just traveling around to wherever the train took me, and no one sat next to me but across me was a black man, and Seth Meyers. The black man was wearing an Obama sticker...I HATED Obama. Still do. No offense of course. Seth started talking to the man about his sticker and his views, Seth must've been pretty preoccupied because the black man was ranting about how amazing Obama was and Seth wasn't giving too much of a retort. So I, being the talkative person I am, I started ranting about Obama but not just regular mean person rant I was "REALLY??! With Christina and Obama Lover" ranting. And Seth couldn't contain himself. After I finished the man got up in a fuss and went to another seat on the train. Seth then looked at me incredulously and asked why he hadn't heard of me before. We started talking and he asked where my parents were, and why I was alone on the train because it was 'dangerous'. So I told him everything, because what's better than trusting a stranger right? I took a chance, and boy did it pay off. He was shocked about my orphanage situation with the terrible Lady Olson (owner of the orphanage) and how I would leave to obtain food and an education. So, he said "Let me take you to work" and I followed him to the NBC building and met the entire cast. After a few days we were all best friends.
The SNL cast has planned a trip to Alaska to go and retreive Tina Fey who was studying there in Denali. So, since we were all such good friends I tagged along. When faced at the airport I was Christina Essenelle (SNL) because they simply could not think of a better name at the time. Since I looked like a minor, ID wasn't necessary...but I'm getting on it. On the trip we were together 24/7 and had a blast. So many inside jokes arised from this trip, like the Boner Ghost (Will Forte's pathetic attempt to have sex with Seth Meyers) and HEY! (Know the phrase 'Hey is for horses'? Well Nasim thought it was 'Hey is for horses and chickens and fish' and I hit her when she said that becayse it made NO SENSE. So we made up this saying when someone says HEY! we say "HEY IS FOR HORSES AND CHICKENS AND FISH, HIT ME THREE TIMES AND I'LL DOUBLE YOUR WISH! 1, 2, 3 BARRRACK A BACK A BACK A BACK BACK BACK" and continue that and at the end say "BARACK OBAMA!") Throughtout the trip I noticed (Amy Poehler and Kristen Wiig mainly told me) that some of the boys were paying extra attention to me... it wasn't all the boys, mainly Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, and Jason Sudeikis, whereas Keenan Thompson, Fred Armisen, and Will Forte were only my friends. I only started to notice when in Seward, Exit Glacier Bill carried my on his back the entire time and Seth and Andy and Jason all gave him dirty looks. Although on the 6 hour bus ride from Seward to Talkeetna Seth and I really furthered our relationship as great friends and right after we got off Andy took me to a separate part of the lodge and asked me to go on a date with him. I agreed. The trip was amazing, and soon we're going to have an "SNL IN ALASKA" DVD because Will decided to video tape 99% of the trip and we got some major skits and characters from that trip..."I'm on a Boat", "Garth and Kat", "Great Day", "Doorbell", "Reba" and many more. On the bus to the airport on our last day Fred Armisen decided to call up Lorne Michaels while I was sleeping and asked if I could be a new featurette. After Will sent over some videos from the trip he immediately said yes.
Photoshoots, press conferences, and filming followed immediately when I got back to New York. Although deep down I still missed my darling kids at the orphanage, so during a little slumber party in Andy Samberg's room (don't ask) I snuck out, grabbed some bread and went to the orphanage and updated them on my situation. When I got there I was apparently not welcome, Lady Olson came over and tied me up and gagged me and threw me into the closet. I was stuck there for a day until Andy Samberg and Bill Hader came in asking to adopt a child. Then Andy said loudly, "HEEEEEEEEEEY BILL!" and I started barack-aback-abacking as best as I could and Bill screamed back "OKAY ANDY!!". Not 10 minutes later the police showed up and arrested Lady Olson because 1)she's evil and 2)she tried to attack him. Once the police saw how poor of shape the orphanage was in they took all the kids and put them in another, better orphanage and they were saved. It's the best thing that could've happened to them, now they can watch me on TV! Since my age is still unknown and I look incredibly young I have to be in private school with Bobby, Abby, and Nasim, it sucks but I do appreciate my eduacation. So, that's my story, now let's get into the present.
If you've watched the show you'll know I've done skits with Alec Baldwin, Jon Hamm, and Charles Barkley and this week we're doing Taylor Swift. So far we've finished filming for Taylor Swift and everything is all set, for tomorrow night but I'm still extremely nervous. Who knows what could happen! I hope I don't break character....but it'll be a great show and I hope you watch. Also, watch Jimmy Fallon with me and Seth! It was a lot of fun so hopefully that'll go over smoothly into your television sets.
There's been some...rumors going around. I'm not only the SNL STORM! Because I took the cast by storm but there have been rumors that I am tearing about the SNL family by dating Andy Samberg and that relationships aren't tolerated by the public because they only cause distress. This. Is. A. Lie. Andy was gone all last week for the filming of Charles Barkley and we got some of the highest ratings yet. Also Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen are engaged! Also, Abby Elliot and Jason Sudeikis are dating! (Funniest thing ever by the way...more on that later) So, I don't think SNL incest is that bad...Also, there is a rumor that Seth is jealous of Andy and hates him. This. Is. Another. Lie! Seth and Andy are such great friends and I don't think a girl can get in their way. Neither of them are protective what so ever. So press, butt out.
Taylor Swift is SO NICE. She's been hanging out with Nasim, Abby, Bill, and I lately and she is just too funny. If she's not cracking a joke she's complimenting you on your good looks. In our conference room we have a night where we all get together and view the skits we filmed and give announcements on who's doing what scene and who's coming next week and Taylor performed a song that night and she was just amazing! Super talented, super gorgeous, I am completely jealous of her, but it's okay because I have her autograph. Mission Accomplished.
Abby and Jason. Basically Abby liked Jason since day 1 and Jason is just a shy peice of flesh and no one knew how he felt. So, Abby comes into the conference room (a major hangout in the NBC building other than our rooms) moping and I'm with Andy. I ask what's wrong and she's angry that Jason hasn't asked her out yet...and Andy being the complete idiodic guy he is decided to waltz up and tell Jason "Hey Abby likes you, go ask her out" and Jason being the stupid boy is he was all "Sure why not" and they're dating now! It's all pretty mental...they're still dating...go figure. But I still love them both to death. If I were to rank everyone on who I liked the most to the least, it'd be: Andy Samberg, Seth Meyers, Nasim Pedrad, Abby Elliot, Bobby Moynihan, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Keenan Thompson, Will Forte, and Jenny Slate. But keep in mind that most of them are tied with eachother. For example, Andy, Seth, and Nasim I give a 10, Abby and Bobby a 9.5, Bill and Jason a 9, Fred, Kristen and Keenan a 8.5, and Will an Jenny an 8. Now Will and Jenny only get an 8 because I never hang out with them!! It makes me sad, but when we do hang out we're having the time of our lives. So, don't think I don't like them or anything. And Nasim, Andy, and Seth are my top 3 because 1) Andy is my best friend and LOVER, 2) Seth is my everything and reason for existence practically, and 3)Nasim is my ROCK. But again, I love them ALL.
I'm going to tell you this now and see if it comes true (I hope it doesn't but...) next week is Jude Law...and it's going to be AWFUL. More on that later I have to go film something with Bill. BYE!
