Today has been a series of unfortunate, humorous, scary, and unforgetable events. Let me take you through my day, starting from last night. The show was amazing it was the most laughs I've gotten from an audience yet. Everything was just perfect, no mistakes, it was a flawless performance, which we wanted since it was Leo DiCapio! If I were to rate which scenes got the most laughs it'd be 5:Monologue 4:Laurence Welk 3Leo+Meo 2:I'm on a Boat 1:Kissing Family. I was in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE!!! Best show yet, I'm really hoping next week will be the same awesomeness. The rap went amazingly. Everyone loved the fact that Chris was back on the SNL stage and that myself and Leo were there with him. Kissing Family was just a smack in everyone's face and people were rolling on the floor laughing. ROTFL LITERALLY. After that was of course the party, during which The Strokes all congradulated me on my performance. We're all actually pretty good friends actually. We're really close and it's not because of Julian they actually want to be friends with me. Matt Damon also came up to me and gave me a big hug. He's a real sweetie pie, and I'm glad he's staying in the building UNLIKE LEO! I can't believe Leo is leaving, this is unfair. We've become such good friends over the last week, I mean we'll still talk online and stuff (skype) it just sucks though because he's probably going to be working on movies soon. Psh, stupid movies stealing my people.
I woke up at 12:30pm today and noticed my computer was on and there was a video recorded on it from Julian. It was him with Fab and Nick and here's what they say, "Come over here! (nick) Now! (fab) Christina...you're really...fat and uh maybe people don't think you're my favorite bitch but...you are. You're voluptuous, you're beautiful...hope you enjoyed this (jules)" I was laughing my ass off by the end of the video. They're all so funny yet weird, there was an address on the laptop so I went into the conference room to get some breakfast and I left for Nick's apartment. I got there at around 2:30pm (i left at 2pm) and was greeted by "HEY!!"s and "FINALLY"s. We went out to the halloween store, then got some food, played Mine Craft (best game ever) and then watched V for Vendetta. Everything started to go wrong at about an hour and 15 into the film. Lorne told me to be back at the NBC building at 6, since I walked to Nick's I figure I'd walk back with Julian. Oh no of course NOT, it was sprinkling at around 5:10 which meant it would pour in 20 minutes...but the movie was really good so I really didn't want to leave. I decided to wait until 5:30 to leave hoping the sprinkling would stop. During my 20-minute wait period I noticed that Nikolai wasn't watching the movie with us,
CHRISTINA
Where the hell is Nikolai...
NIKOLAI
In the kitchen!
CHRISTINA
(going to the kitchen) What the hell are you doing...? Ha ha nice apron.
NIKOLAI
Makin' bacon the old fashioned way.
CHRISTINA
Oh shit bacon. Can I just-have a-little piece? Little-little piece of your delicious bacon?
NIKOLAI
Nope, no way. I've SLAVED over this bacon.
CHRISTINA
Nikolai...you have 300 pieces of bacon all I ask for is one piece...
NIKOLAI
Oh one piece? Sure.
CHRISTINA
Well...by one I meant 5...
NIKOLAI
Hell no.
CHRISTINA
YOU'D STILL HAVE 295 PIECES!
JULIAN
Oh hey Nikolai can I have some bacon?
NIKOLAI
Oh yeah buddy take as much as you want
JULIAN
(grabbing a handful) thanks man.
CHRISTINA
Nikolai I hate you. (leaving she steps on a piece of glass and screams while making several swears and nasty statements)
FAB
(leaping up from the couch) Oh man.
ALBERT
(leaping up from the couch) Dude!
ALBERT
(leaping up from the couch) Dude!
NICK
(leaping up from the couch) Christina, oh my God.
NIKOLAI
Christina, you're not getting any no matter how much you whine about it.
NICK
Shut up man she's bleeding everywhere...
NIKOLAI
Wait, what? (walks over to me) Oh shit Christina!
JULIAN
(walks out of bathroom) what's everyone christina-ing about? What the fuck happened?
CHRISTINA
I NEED SOME PAPER TOWELS PLEASE!!!!
NIKOLAI
Shit, yeah hold on. (runs into the kitchen)
CHRISTINA
Why the fuck do you have broken bottles on your floor?!?!
NICK
I-I uh dunno...Jesus...
NIKOLAI
Here take this...
JULIAN
Here I got you (picks her up and lays her on the couch and pushes back hair) what the heck were you doing...?
FAB
Oh my God. (nudging ALBERT and pointing to my foot)
CHRISTINA
What?
ALBERT
Holy shit. (NICK, JULIAN, and NIKOLAI walk over and cover their mouths )
CHRISTINA
WHAT?!
ALBERT
Your cut, is in the shape of a V...for vendetta.
CHRISTINA
What...?
FAB
That's pretty fucking crazy man. (NICK and NIKOLAI start to smile and so does CHRISTINA they all start to laugh which gradually increases)
CHRISTINA
Only me...only I am this retardedly gifted...
JULIAN
(wraping gauze around my foot) we're definitely not walking home with your foot like this.
CHRISTINA
Yeah...(sniffing) what's that smell?
NICK
(to NIKOLAI) Weren't you just cooking?
FIRE ALARM
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP(everyone rushes into the kitchen {christina limps in}to see that NIKOLAI'S apron he threw on the counter is on fire)
JULIAN
Where's your fire extinguisher!?!
NICK
I don't think I have one!
FAB
Get it on the floor!
ALBERT
IT'S ON FIRE SHIT HEAD. (CHRISTINA grabs the broom next to her and FAB runs out of the room, she uses the handle to pick up the apron and puts it on the ground)
CHRISTINA
STEP ON IT! (everyone goes over and stomps/jumps on the apron until it is put out FAB comes running in)
FAB
I got it!! (sprays the entire kitchen with the fire extinguisher until he realizes that the fire was already put out. FAB puts down the extinguisher and NICK leans against the counter as does ALBERT and CHRISTINA)
NIKOLAI
Anyone want bacon? (walks over to pan of bacon and slips on the white foam on the ground and hits head on floor)
ALBERT
Nikolai!
JULIAN
What the fuck is going on today..! (everyone rushes down to NIKOLAI who is now unconscious)
NICK
Is he breathing? (JULIAN leans down and listens to his cheast, we he gets up he nods his head)
CHRISTINA
When I passed out in Alaska Amy Poehler used nailpolish to wake me up.
FAB
Oh lemme just whip out my handy-dandy nail polish.
NICK
Wait, I think I have some (gets up and carefully runs out of the kitchen)
FAB
Fuck man I did this to him...
ALBERT
No you didn't shut-up Fab. (short pause, NICK returns with black nailpolish. He hands it to CHRISTINA)
NICK
Here.
CHRISTINA
Okay (to ALBERT) give me a paper-towel. (he grabs a papertowel from behind him and passes it to CHRISTINA, she pours the nail polish on it and balls it up, then she places it by NIKOLAI's face. Immediately he wrinkles his nose and gasps sharply as he rises)
ALBERT
Nikolai!
JULIAN
Shit man, are you okay?
NIKOLAI
My head...what happened?
NIKOLAI
Christina, you're not getting any no matter how much you whine about it.
NICK
Shut up man she's bleeding everywhere...
NIKOLAI
Wait, what? (walks over to me) Oh shit Christina!
JULIAN
(walks out of bathroom) what's everyone christina-ing about? What the fuck happened?
CHRISTINA
I NEED SOME PAPER TOWELS PLEASE!!!!
NIKOLAI
Shit, yeah hold on. (runs into the kitchen)
CHRISTINA
Why the fuck do you have broken bottles on your floor?!?!
NICK
I-I uh dunno...Jesus...
NIKOLAI
Here take this...
JULIAN
Here I got you (picks her up and lays her on the couch and pushes back hair) what the heck were you doing...?
FAB
Oh my God. (nudging ALBERT and pointing to my foot)
CHRISTINA
What?
ALBERT
Holy shit. (NICK, JULIAN, and NIKOLAI walk over and cover their mouths )
CHRISTINA
WHAT?!
ALBERT
Your cut, is in the shape of a V...for vendetta.
CHRISTINA
What...?
FAB
That's pretty fucking crazy man. (NICK and NIKOLAI start to smile and so does CHRISTINA they all start to laugh which gradually increases)
CHRISTINA
Only me...only I am this retardedly gifted...
JULIAN
(wraping gauze around my foot) we're definitely not walking home with your foot like this.
CHRISTINA
Yeah...(sniffing) what's that smell?
NICK
(to NIKOLAI) Weren't you just cooking?
FIRE ALARM
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP(everyone rushes into the kitchen {christina limps in}to see that NIKOLAI'S apron he threw on the counter is on fire)
JULIAN
Where's your fire extinguisher!?!
NICK
I don't think I have one!
FAB
Get it on the floor!
ALBERT
IT'S ON FIRE SHIT HEAD. (CHRISTINA grabs the broom next to her and FAB runs out of the room, she uses the handle to pick up the apron and puts it on the ground)
CHRISTINA
STEP ON IT! (everyone goes over and stomps/jumps on the apron until it is put out FAB comes running in)
FAB
I got it!! (sprays the entire kitchen with the fire extinguisher until he realizes that the fire was already put out. FAB puts down the extinguisher and NICK leans against the counter as does ALBERT and CHRISTINA)
NIKOLAI
Anyone want bacon? (walks over to pan of bacon and slips on the white foam on the ground and hits head on floor)
ALBERT
Nikolai!
JULIAN
What the fuck is going on today..! (everyone rushes down to NIKOLAI who is now unconscious)
NICK
Is he breathing? (JULIAN leans down and listens to his cheast, we he gets up he nods his head)
CHRISTINA
When I passed out in Alaska Amy Poehler used nailpolish to wake me up.
FAB
Oh lemme just whip out my handy-dandy nail polish.
NICK
Wait, I think I have some (gets up and carefully runs out of the kitchen)
FAB
Fuck man I did this to him...
ALBERT
No you didn't shut-up Fab. (short pause, NICK returns with black nailpolish. He hands it to CHRISTINA)
NICK
Here.
CHRISTINA
Okay (to ALBERT) give me a paper-towel. (he grabs a papertowel from behind him and passes it to CHRISTINA, she pours the nail polish on it and balls it up, then she places it by NIKOLAI's face. Immediately he wrinkles his nose and gasps sharply as he rises)
ALBERT
Nikolai!
JULIAN
Shit man, are you okay?
NIKOLAI
My head...what happened?
And that's basically what happened. The scar on my foot will remind me to never fuck with bacon. Ever.
