Never Mind the Buzzcocks!

September 9th 2011


Simon Amstell

Phil Jupitus

Noel Fielding

With guests:

Penny Smith

Pennie from the Automatic

Christina Essnelle

Trevor Moore

Simon's introduction to the show

"I gave up my weekly salsa class for this."

"Penny is easily my favourite presenter on GMTV which sounds like a compliment but it's a bit like saying she's my favourite member of Al Quada."

"They are both called Penny. Ha.

You can't write that stuff."

"Christina's likes include vanilla frosting and the great outdoors. I quite like matches lets get crazy."

Round one

Simon : Cliff Richard "the Vagina Hunter"

Simon : "There's a problem with showing Paris' book her people wouldn't clear showing it on Tv so if we show it we have to pixelate it. Like that."

Phil : "Wow."

Simon : "Live it wont be pixelated ha the people in the audience going "its not pixelated."

Christina : "Have you seen the sex tape? Its so boring."

Simon : "What did you want in the sex tape ?"

Noel : "Backing music."

Christina : "Y'know when your on a ferry and your like "Be there soon I can see the isle of white" ? Kinda like that except more boring."

Simon : Have you ever interviewed Christina ?"

Penny: "No."

Simon: Well lets do it now."

Penny : "Is that your dress and when can I steal it?"

Christina : "Yeah, are you free in 20 ? I'll look away and try not to be startled."

Penny : "Or eat porridge it calms you down."

Phil : "No it doesn't Tim Westwood eats porridge."

Christina : "Do y'know what I heard about Westwood yeah he calls his Wife five minutes before he gets home to put the backing track on so when he opens the door he goes "pshhhh big dog in the house" I don't know if its true but I heard that !"

Simon with the Question : After conducting a survey who's book is most likely to be abandoned in a hotel room Cliff Richard's or Paris Hilton's ?

Penny : "I think its Paris do y'not think ?"

Pennie : "I've stopped caring"

Simon : "Paris has said 'People think I've become famous instantly because I was born into a rich well known family and everything has come easily to me.' How judgmental it wasn't the silver spoon in her mouth that made her famous."

Simon : "Oily, bouncy and bloated Jordan's third favourite hit and second favourite twat its Peter Andre."

Simon : "Face of Pepsi, McDonalds and L'Oreal she wont stop until every child dies of obesity but with shiny tangle free hair it's the lovely Beyonce Knowles."

Christina : "Can I ask a question ?"

Simon : "No you cant ask another question Christina because already you're a bit childish come on, but your not alone Penny Smith has worked on GMTV for thirteen years you have to assume she's gone from painkillers or something .Do you want another drink ?"

Christina : "Sure."

Simon : "Too bad. Go to a pub with Noel then."
Christina : "I'm hanging out with him later."
Noel : "We're workin' mates."

Simon : "What are you really going to do with him later ?"

Christina : "What's that suppose to mean! "

Simon : "He wants to sell you drugs. Don't go near him. Do something with that nice Lily Allen."

Christina : Don't know her. Thanks for making things awkward Simon."

Simon : "Yes, can we all just agree I am the worst person on the face of this planet? Sue me."

Christina : "Oh Yes Yes Yes I concur."

Simon : "Lovely to have you here part of the BBC's new remit more Americans less carbon emissions."

[Christina nods head enthusiastically]

Round Two (Intros)

Penny Smith : "Mcfly, 911 …. Wolfmother."

Simon : "Wolf mother ?! Point for credibility Penny Smith."

Simon : "What about John Stapleton (GMTV presenter) He's a bit weird has he tried anything on ?"

Penny: "Stop it with your nonsense."

Simon :"The time is 7'oclock the place is, my lap."

Simon later : "The time is 9pm the place is, my Travelodge."

Phil : "I bet Stapleton, after he's been shagging all night, not a hair out of place."

Trevor : "I bet he does it with a shower cap on. I bet he puts one on and then its like that's for you lady and this is for me"

Christina : (makes a face)

Simon : "Whats that ?"

Christina : "I dunno its my new thing."

Simon : "I thought that was crack."

Christina : "Do I look like Russell Brand ?"

Simon : "Yes."

Trevor : "This feels like a really dysfunctional Christmas day doesn't it ?"

Simon :Queen Fans sent electric six death threats when their video showed Dick Valentine dancing on Freddie Mercury's grave Ben Elton was equally unimpressed as he's been doing that for four sensational years."

Simon : "Are you a big Ben Elton fan ?"

Trevor : "Who isn't, the mans a genius."

Simon: "He is a bit of a sell out though isn't he?"

Penny: "Is that such a bad thing ?"

Christina : "I don't think there is such a thing as integrity or being a sell out I just think he's great."

Round Three (the line-up)

Simon : "Number one open your pocket

Simon :"I'm dreading what he's got in there"

Christina :"It's a ferret."

Simon :"What's that ?"

Number one : "Sweeties."

[Pennie leaps over the table]

Simon : "What are they ?"

Pennie : "Chocolate covered nuts. Again."

Phil : "How long have they been in your pocket?"

Pennie : "They are a bit warm."

Phil [chewing] "That's horrible. Eurghh."

Audience : "Awwwwwwww."

Penny :"That's not nice."

Penny : "You've really hurt his feelings."

Audience : "Boooooo."

Phil : "They had been in the engineers pocket for some time."

[Christina gets up and hugs number one]

Audience : "Awwwwwww."

Trevor : "Do any of the others have sweeties ? Number 2 you better come through with the goods motherfucker."

Simon : "Do you always have the sweets with you for diabetes ?

Number :"Glycoma."

Trevor :"I tell you what else helps with the Glycoma a lovely big spilff number One. Seriously THC relaxes the nerve endings.

Christina : "Oi Moore his name is not number one be respectful I don't like it."

Trevor : " Okay Mr Number one."

Phill : "No 2 has got the cheeky twinkle."

Pennie : "No 5s got wellies on I'm not sure which way that's gonna make me sway."

Phil : "Are you saying he's not a real train engineer ?"

Pennie: "He's probably just the gardener. "

Simon : "They get paid and they know what's gonna happen."

Trevor : "Oh god you sound like a pimp. They get paid know what's gonna happen" as you close the container lorry and set sail for Western Europe."

Noel : [in Russian accent] "and when we get there we get travel card yes?."

Noel : "Yes there's plenty more where that came from Natalia."

Simon : "Did you ever meet Jessica garlic ?"

Christina :"Nooo Simon."

Simon :"Are you not having a nice time ?"

Christina :"Yes I am having a whale of a time."

Simon : "Why not drink more?"

[Christina scowls]

Simon : "Why the face ? We could be best mates you know! "

Christina : "Stop pining me as a crack head alcoholic! " (audience cheers)

Christina : "They're on my side. "

Simon : "You've won them over with looks. Speaking of which we need to uglify you, the game won't work you're too distracting. "

Christina : "(she stands on the table and the audience cheers) What? I can't hear you over the sound of love ."

Simon : "You can't do that ! Now this isn't a pop quiz this is an intervention. You've become a fan tyrant and we're all here for you. We all care for you Christina." (audience laughs and she sits back down)

Noel : "Told you he was mean."

Penny :"That wouldn't happen on GMTV."

Simon :"Nothing happens on GMTV."

Round Four (Next Lines)

Simon : "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag …..".

Christina : " ….. floating in the wind ready to start again."

Simon :"Nice pretty girl we could have lovely children. With terrible hair."

Simon :"They tried to make me go to rehab"

Christina :"and I said No No No."

Simon : "In hindsight isn't it a shame now that she didn't ?"

Simon : "Nagilah Hava Nagilah Hava Nagilah Hava ….."

Trevor :" ….. Oi."

Simon :"Nahgilah Hava by Jews."

[Time runs out and music ends]

Christina : "Noooo."

Simon : "Ok one more."

Christina : "I never want it to end."

Simon : "Don't you ever come around here ……."

Noel : " ……. because you're a registered sex offender."