Day 4 {Alec Baldwin}

At 9AM I had a SAT Intense study session with a SAT master because I'm taking the test Saturday morning. I'm a little nervous, it's another thing on my to-do list which drives me just a little more insane. Last night was intense, it was me Seth and Julian and then Albert and Nikolai joined us as well. (pictures) It was just a lot of fun. It's funny, Seth and Albert are way better friends than Seth and Julian are, even though Seth's known Jules for so much longer. Hehe.

At 10AM we filmed News which included Abby, myself, and Alec. Unfortunately (and fortunately) my bit was filmed elsewhere so I didn't get to film with Alec (and also without Abby). Oh and yes, Abby is back for another season of doing nothing but being a nameless face in the crowd of better cast members. I don't understand how someone can be so bad at scene-work and improvisation and still be on a televised show about scene-work and improvisation. Whatever, who am I to interject my point, oh yeah, including Andy and Kristen I get the most ratings so yeah I kind of DO get a say in who's good and who isn't. Ugh.

At 3PM we filmed The Power which was Nasim, Alec, and me and that one was so much fun. It was me as the girlfriend of Alec Baldwin and Nasim is Alec's daughter, Nasim does such a good little kid impression it's hilarious. There's one bit where she puts tapioca on my head and it's hilarious. I love doing scenes with Nasim as one of the main characters because she really doesn't get enough and it's unfortunate. She wasn't even promoted to main player this year. Ah well, she'll get 'em next year.

I have no idea what I'm doing for Halloween this year. Noel wants to do something with me because he's never celebrated it before (way to go Europe) but I also want to do something with Julian, we just don't know what yet. Speaking of Julian, I got so FRUSTRATED today! It was because I was asking around to hang out with people and everyone said yes but not at the moment and they'd text me in an hour and no one did and that just really frustrated me. Whatever, you don't HAVE to hang out with me. Ugh, and then Jules and I were doing something and he wanted it one way and I wanted it the other and we just got into a big argument about it and bleh. I was pissed for 2 hours and then watched some funny videos and got over it.

Day 3 {Alec Baldwin}

School was great! Went to Shay Stadium with Jules and Seth. Not gonna lie, I am shitfaced right now so this post will be interesting. Had lots of heart to hearts today, t'was great. Julian and I were on the kissing cam which was really cute. Gonna be honest I have no idea what scenes were filmed today. I'm filming tomorrow, DUH. It was a great drinking time, we played this crazy drinking game and shit got crazy. Just the three of us, or as my choir teacher says just the TI of us. He's crazy. SETH, gosh he's the best. I love him so, now I'm going to sleep for tomorrow is a new day filled with sunlight and positive energy. WOO!

Day 1 {Alec Baldwin}

Big week! First week of filming for SNL again and I'm back to get back int that saddle.

GOP Debate Cold Open (Keenan, Alec, Bill, Jason, Taran, Paul, Kristen, Bobby, Andy)
Monologue (Fred, Andy, Abby, Seth Rogen, Steve Martin, Kristen)
Red Flag Commercial (Andy, Taran, Jason, Christina)
All My Children (Abby, Nasim, Vanessa, Bill, Keenan, Paul, Andy, Jason, Fred, Kristen)
News (Abby, Christina)
Update
Who's on top? (Vanessa, Bill, Jason)
Top Gun Anniversary (Bill, Nasim, Christina, Taran, Bobby, Keenan, Fred, Andy)
The Power (Nasim, Christina)
TCM (Taran, Bobby, Fred)

I have filming all day Thursday and Friday because I have no school for Rosh Hashanah (sp?)

Day 54 {The Mighty Boosh}

Saying goodbye to something I thought I'd never meet...

It saddens me so much that today is the last Mighty Boosh post for a while. The show doesn't air until January (I know it was pushed back) and I don't think we'd start filming another series (if I'm asked back on the show) until June so....not another Boosh post for a while.

HOWEVER

Noel is 100% buying an apartment in NYC and is going to live here for...a bit. He's buying the apartment/condo soon, but I don't think he'd move in till February. Not positive when he's going to be here but I know he is moving here. I'm so excited to have Noel here, that's one of the main reasons why I am really upset about the show ending. Noel has had such a big impact on my life that I couldn't bear to not be friends with him. Julian is fantastic but he has a whole family in Britain and I don't see him moving to the US for any reason other than work. I was talking to Lorne and he said after the new series of the Boosh premiers Noel could probably host an episode. Now that is mighty.

The last filming of the series was perhaps the saddest day ever. Perhaps. Filming went fine and dandy but there was an air around that was just...depressing. I left NYC Friday at 8PM and got to Heathrow at 8AM (like always) and we immediately started filming. We were all in this last scene and it was full of effects and was very long. It's the last scene of the episode as well and it involves Noel and I giving each other a kiss. Not a snogging, but a simple kiss. I dunno when we did the scene it felt like a kiss goodbye and I got really sad after that. I am accepting Graham Linehan's offer to work on The IT Crowd. I don't think I can stay away from BBC networking and the TV actors in Britain are so closely knit that so many things could branch from next TV series. Noel was on the show and he might come back, I met Chris O'Dowd during a Bridesmaids after party with Kristen and Maya, I've worked and hung out with Richard Ayoade during the Boosh, and I just met Matt Berry the other day. I like this SNL/BBC Series deal. I know it's crazy hectic and ridiculous but...I can't just leave Britain. I love it here. I've lived in NYC my whole life so I'm not going to leave that either. I really like what Graham Linehan has done with The IT Crowd and to be honest, I don't want to stop seeing Rich, Julian, Noel, and Mike.

Lots of pictures for the post of our little end-of-series-cast-party

Mighty Boosh you have changed my life, and it saddens me so much to be away from you for so long.

Love you, mean it.

-Christina Essenelle

Madness

I GOT THE PART!!!!!!!!!!! Fortunately I'm only in one scene so I won't be spending too much time with rehearsals and what not but I GOT THE MOTHER FLIPPIN' PART! AHH! In celebration The Strokes and I went out for drinks and then went to Nick's to crash. Nikolai went to bed early cause he had things to do in the morning so he was out for the count at 1AM, then Albert and I crashed at 4:30AM and the rest fell asleep at 6AM. Did I mention that I had to do something improv related at 10AM? I came a half hour late due to a long much-needed shower.

You may call me Olga Katrina from now on.

And Now We Wait...

Ugh the anticipation is murder. Only 20 more hours/1220 more minutes/73210 more seconds! Ugh, I really hope I get in, this morning I was really confident that I would get the part but now I can see so many other actors and actresses who tried out getting the part.

I keep finding more awesome pics from Florida. Here's Jules in front of the Tower of Terror just before it was going to pour. It's funny, you might think that I do this blog post all in one show but I actually do it throughout the day gradually. Because to be honest, I really don't have time to do it all at once. (20H, 1202M, 72143S)

The list is up!! SNL starts October 1st with host Alec Baldwin and musical guest Radio and then on the 8th is Melissa McCarthy and Lady Antebellum! Very exciting that next week (the week Boosh ends sadly) is the same week we start SNL. I'm happy to get the band back together. My CoverGirl photoshoot is coming up! Did I mention that already? I feel like I have. Jules and I went to Scenic on Hudson last night. We just chilled on a bench and watched that polluted river go by. We skipped stones but it was mainly to just get away from the city. It's so hard to get away sometimes and I felt that I was focusing on work and not Julian. I felt so bad the other day, I was half-awake/half-asleep and it was about 9PM and Julian was poking me awake saying that we should go do something, but I was just so tired that I literally couldn't do anything. So instead he went out with Ryan and Niko to some club to have fun. I just want to let you know folks that it's not a fucking parade working! Ah! Stop slandering me morning news! Seriously! Every morning it's the same rant, "When will she crack?" "She has no time for us anymore!" Literally when I'm working on just SNL it's "Oh she's being lazy" and then when I do 10,000 things it's "Oh well she's doing it just for the money then"

I can never win with you people can I? (14H, 879M, 52760S)

Call-Backs!

I GOT CALLED BACK! I think I nailed the call-back as well. I only really want to be cast as two different characters. And when I did some cold-reading the casting director and director really liked it and laughed a lot so that's good! I'll find out at 12PM on Friday if I've gotten in or not...I really hope so. I know Nasim, Bobby, and Taran are working crew for the show so I really REALLY want to be in it! It'd be my first stage show. Other than SNL...if that counts. By the way the play is "You Can't Take it With You" and I really want to be Olga or Natasha. That'd be my dream...but these are all big shots auditioning and I'm just a television girl.

After the auditions I was suppose to be attending a triple birthday party for Jimmy, Amy, and Jason HOWEVER the call-backs took...3 hours. They only called back 50 people for a 30 person cast. God I hope I get in! I really do!!

Auditions

Today has just been MENTAL. First I had auditions for a professional play that I might be doing (because I'm not busy enough) and Nasim was suppose to hang out with me after so we could finish our scene, we were suppose to be going to the same place to work on it together. Then after she screws up her audition 3 times she just leaves...without telling me...that we were hanging out...I was furious. 1) We actually had to work on the scene 2) I needed her to give me a ride home 3) If she was so upset why wouldn't she talk to her BEST FRIEND about it? I mean REALLY.

Whatever, I walked home out of spite and anger. Ugh.

Drama.

Back in the Saddle

These titles are getting stupider and stupider as the lack of SNL commences. I just got a really nasty email about why SNL sucks and that if Andy and I were gone the show would be cancelled. Well screw you emailer, the show is more than just two actors. First off: Andy isn't really in the skits anymore. Second off: Kristen Wiig! Bill Hader! Jason Sudeikis! Come on, you can't say they're not funny.

Abby Elliott...I agree with you. Bitch is whack.

And no I will not let this go.

Anyways, I have a weird scheduling this week, I get to go to school at 10AM on Wednesday (not sure why but I am) and then I'm going to school on Friday but it's a half-day so...I'm only going till 12. Then I'm off to London! Oh, something I didn't mention yesterday as I was walking around the set, packing up to head home I called myself a cab when Paul phoned me on the intercom. So I rushed up, literally racing my taxi-driver, (this was all happening as I was on the phone with Graham Linehan who I had to actually hang up on) and saw that Paul was trying to introduce me to Matt Berry (IT Crowd cast, Mighty Boosh Series 1 cast, Snuff Box [with Rich] Dark Place [with Noel and Rich]) and I was so pleased to meet him but I had literally several things in my hands so I said goodbye to Graham and shook Matt's hand and ran out the door. And to make myself even busier as I was at the terminal for NYC I had a conversation with CoverGirl cosmetics and I think it's on for the cover shoot thing.........AAAAH!

Picture of the day is of Fab and Nick when we went to the movies today. CONTAGION...was okay.

Day 53 {The Mighty Boosh}

Today we filmed scenes 3, 4, 6, and 8. The only one I was in though was scenes 3. The only other scene I have to film is scene 18 and I think they're saving that for Saturday because they want to have a big party afterwards. Today we pretty insanely crazy.

Some crazy stuff happened when I was talking to Noel on this bench as he was reading and I was just hanging upside off the side of the bench. I told him, then walked away, then was shocked beyond all belief then ran inside the building. When I was leaving for the plane to NYC it was a pretty quick goodbye because Noel knew I was going to see him soon. I feel like the goodbye for next week will be horridly sad.

I don't want to think about it.

It's funny, I didn't tell Jules when I was going to be home, he just knew that I was going to be home that night and so when I got to my room (3AM London time 10PM NYC time) I was exhausted and I noticed a note on my door that said "Hey if you come back before I do I'm on the roof. Just for the heck of it." And so, I went on the roof with two blankets and saw him lying there with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. So I undid his arms put them around me and put two blankets over us. Let the cuddle-sesh commence. I almost instantly fell asleep. Love that boy.

Day 52 {The Mighty Boosh}

For the last episode of the series it's a very dark episode! It also is the most laborious for those poor people in the set-construction department. This episode....has 18 scenes. However a lot of these scenes are very short and SHOULD be mashed up to make smaller scenes but...they're not. Oh Julian and Noel. So yesterday we filmed scenes 10, 12, 15, and 16 (that was the one-take scene that was beauteous) and today we filmed scenes 5, 7, and 9. All scenes to be filled in the flat. Can I just tell you the magnificent title of this episode? It's called

MUSTARD MAN'S CLAN OF HAM VANS


How epic is that? Rich is of course playing Mustard Man. Unfortunately they didn't film any scenes for the week while I was in NYC, and there aren't that many scenes that they CAN film. Actually that's not true they can film 9 scenes while I'm gone. Will they get those done though, that is the question. Today at lunch Dave and I wrote Paul a poem. Just for fun, I'm really starting to love Dave. He's very interesting. In that lovable way. Alright I'm starving. See ya!

Day 51 {The Mighty Boosh}

I had to leave our romantic night out early because I had to be in London by the morning. So I got to work today at 8AM (bright and early) and we filmed the most exhausting scene I've ever filmed in my life. It was the combination of 3 scenes and we did it all in one take and I literally cried at the end. The scene involved me being afraid of all different things (some that I'm actually afraid of) and then I had the get confidence and have it be cut down, etc. etc. Oh it's madness, but I did it. Noel had to redo some bits but I actually got it all done on the second take. First take was a cheap shot though because I wasn't sure of something but I didn't ask my question before they yelled ACTION. SO, technically it was my first take.

The really cool thing was that after I had filmed my one take and woke up from passing out from exhaustion everyone was applauding me and telling me I did a great job. Then Paul introduced me to Graham Linehan who had come into the filming of the Boosh to watch me because he is the director of "The IT Crowd". Another BBC show that films in London. Amazing show, bloody hilarious. Just finished watching every episode to be honest and Mr. Linehan is very excited to work with me so...I'm very excited as well. I'm not 100% positive if Noel is going to go on The IT Crowd. He says he's a bit busy writing, he wants to direct and star in his own show, which is really cool because I'd love to do that as well. Anyways, I must be off again, I am exhausted!

1 Year Anniversary

Julian and I have officially been dating for a year now. That is fucking insane. I love the very first post about him:

Jason is talking to Will, Bobby, Bill, Keenan, and guests and Jenny just doesn't party with us...I don't know where she goes but on the plus side we had Julian Casablancas come! He is such a sweetheart. When I wasn't playing with Jimmy and Seth I was talking to Julian who got this voice of ANGELS. Although he attempted to beat me in SSB
(Super Smash Bros.), he failed miserably.

At around 2AM Fred whipped out the karaoke machine and the fun really got started. We actually got our digital short from it for this week. It's called Boombox and Julian is in it as well. GET EXCITED. Julian's actually a pretty amazing guy, and he has known Andy for a while.


I love that that is all I said. Like nothing was going to become of our encounter like so many other encounters have become. I love that I referred to Andy when explaining who he is. I also love what Julian wrote about me on the Euro-Tour:


MONSE FROM CALIFORNIA ASKS: What's your favorite thing about Christina?
Well Monse that's a good question, thank you. Uhhhh seriously I can't think of ONE specific thing. But in general I love her smile, her hair, her style (she stole it from me), her personality...she's so funny and random. I love how damn cute she can be. One minute she'll be kicking someone's ass in video games and the next moment she'll be sleeping on my shoulder. I love how loving she is, every single day she talks about her 'family' of orphans and how they're doing. She loves her friends and I like that about her, she's really well rounded. She's also extremely musical and that another awesome trait about her because I can seriously see a future for her in The Strokes as our keyboardist...which is pretty fucking rad. I love how she's not some fruitcake girly girl. Like that would piss the shit out of me, I definitely can play video games with her or have a belch-off or go rock climbing and shit. She's a cool chick. Hope that answers your question Monse.


I love that so much you don't even know. I actually didn't notice he posted that until someone sent me an email about it. I love that he said 'rad' because I've definitely been using that lingo ever since we started living together. Or well...do we live together? He usually stays in my room but it's not like a set thing...he goes into his room a bunch for the dogs and what not. God I love Julian. We've had such good times, number 1 definitely being the other day when we grilled cheese. Oh God that just defined our relationship in so many ways.


Julian means everything to me
I want to be with him for a very long time
I want to plan my future with him
I want us to be best friends forever
I want us to never grow apart
He's the reason why I want to ditch class everyday
He's the reason why I look both ways across the street
He's the reason why I can never go back to Klino's in Sweden
He's the reason why I'm working my ass off so we'll never have to work again


I love him more than I love anything else in the world This past year has just been getting better and better and I'm so glad to have met him. I feel like we're soul mates and nothing will ever tear us apart. To think that we almost broke up once is insane. That was the lowest I've been ever. My morale was just gone, I didn't want to function. I tried to blow-it off and ignore him but I couldn't, and now we're stronger than ever. We dressed as pirates and ran around, we went to Niagara Falls and played Titanic, we stayed in a hotel and got near kicked out because we were screaming too loud. Julian took a punch for me. Julian punched a guy for me. We're in love. I'm just trying to show you this.  Trying to convey that message. 


Picture of the day is of Julian when we went to the park and chilled like little creepers in the night.
I love you Julian.
Mark my words.

Options

It's the interviews, photoshoots, cover shoots, magazine articles, fundraisers, blood donations, TV shows, movies, commercials, promo's, trailers, concerts, stand-up shows, meet-and-greets, awards shows, network parties, radio broadcasts, charity events, and other work opportunities that really are just digging a hole into my I've-been-asked-to-do list.

It's RIDICULOUS. Although I am doing all of those. Yup, every single one in the next 3 months. Although one in particular caught me eye...The IT Crowd is about to kick off it's 5th series and asked me if I could be a supporting character. Where is the series filmed? Buckinghamshire. Where's that? South East England. Yup, I'd be filming another show thousands of miles away. In front of a live studio audience too. Kind of like SNL. I've never met anyone who is working on The IT Crowd (except for Noel but he's not on it anymore) so...I'M SUPER STOKED AND I REALLY HOPE IT HAPPENS!

Also another thing that caught my eye was I was asked to do a Covergirl commercial. From someone who has watched almost every single episode of ANTM I can say that that is THE MOST AMAZING OFFER EVER. ME? A COVERGIRL? ME? ARE YOU CRAZY?

So....I'm ecstatic. And screw you CBS morning shows, I am stressed.

Overloaded

I can't even think. School, friends, Boosh, SNL is starting soon. I've been having horrible nightmares of people I love dying, I've been going to bed late and waking up early, I'm always jet lagged, food is never healthy, even when I do have time to relax I fill it with things to do like, cleaning, cooking, washing, banking, mailing, buying. There's always something to do and eventually I'm going to explode.

I'll find the balance eventually.

Did I mention auditions for the fall play are starting next week?

Magnificent Monday

I have a new hang-out group. Ever day after school Julian, Amy, Tina, and I go out a drive to random locations and do random awesome things. It's such an interesting group, 3 girls and Julian? Really random, and Julian isn't really friends with Tina so it's cool that all of us are hanging out. We went on a hill overlooking JFK and watched the planes take off, we then went to a Halloween store and Amy got accused of stealing hairspray then we went to CVS and a mall...a bunch of other stuff too. It was funny. So mellow, so chill. I love them.

Day 50 {The Mighty Boosh}

50 days! Wow, that is magic. Today we filmed scene 1! Last scene of the episode! Woo! Although tomorrow we aren't starting a new episode because they need to do set building and I need to go to school SO yeah. Scene 1 is ever more awkward than the scene we did yesterday. It involves Noel and I snogging for about 2 minutes in the scene so about 5 HOURS IN REAL LIFE. And since that was the only scene we did today we did it 100,574,000,048,493,482,936,523,952,345,235,280,750,235 TIMES. So only 100 Duodecillion times. Not that bad for a Sunday.

Day 49 {The Mighty Boosh}

Hello booshers! Today we filmed scene 2 and Noel and I did a really cool photo shoot for the Boosh as well. You see, there's a clock in the Nabootique that Naboo and Bollo look at and each hour has a picture of Noel and I doing different things:

1 Vince and Stephanie sleeping
2 Vince and Stephanie high-fiving
3 Vince and Stephanie shopping
4 Vince and Stephanie kissing
5 Vince and Stephanie at a concert
6 Vince and Stephanie jumping into a pool
7 Vince and Stephanie making bad friends
8 Vince and Stephanie playing with fire
9 Vince and Stephanie making bad decisions
10 Vince and Stephanie lost
11 Vince and Stephanie in danger
12 Vince and Stephanie in mortal danger

Ah such a fun photo-shoot. It did, however, take a bit of time. Half the day actually. Well every single scene had a different setting and lots of props were needed. Fortunately while I was in NYC they had all the sets ready and all the extras and props too. Julian was in all of them in the background like a creepy lurk, in 5 he was a played a drummer, a guy with a gun in 11, a guy with a gun with a laser at the top of it in 12, a guy with drugs in 7, a guy giving cliff-diving lessons in 9, and a store clerk in 3. They were all a lot of fun to do. I love doing stuff with Noel he's such a character, I feel like anyone could be his friend in a heartbeat.

Day 48 {The Mighty Boosh}

Friday! Tonight Noel and I have to stop working at 6PM to go on Never Mind the Buzzcocks! I'm his guest star along with Trevor Moore whose on a sketch comedy show on IFC. I'm kinda of mad that I agreed to do the show cause I really want to finish filming so I can stop missing so much school. By the way the reason why I don't do the whole "independent study" thing is cause going to high school is an experience that I want to share with future children of mine. I'm not going to just stop that because of work, and an education is important to me because so many actors nowadays aren't educated to their fullest potential. So, I am. Take that stereotypes. 

While I was in NYC they filmed scenes 4, 6, and 8 because I'm not in any of those and today we filmed scene 9! Scene 9 is so fucking weird. Pardon my Arabic but it is. It involves one of Noel's drawn out scenes which are always the best. But even weirder than those? Noel and I snog for....15 seconds in the scene but accumulative from today? Definitely 2 hours. Kinda weird? No more like really weird. It's like the kissing scenes in Harry Potter. It's like snogging your sister, not RIGHT.

Here's Noel having a drink during the awkwardest scene ever. Oh and yes, that's his outfit in the episode. 

Never Mind the Buzzcocks!

September 9th 2011


Simon Amstell

Phil Jupitus

Noel Fielding

With guests:

Penny Smith

Pennie from the Automatic

Christina Essnelle

Trevor Moore

Simon's introduction to the show

"I gave up my weekly salsa class for this."

"Penny is easily my favourite presenter on GMTV which sounds like a compliment but it's a bit like saying she's my favourite member of Al Quada."

"They are both called Penny. Ha.

You can't write that stuff."

"Christina's likes include vanilla frosting and the great outdoors. I quite like matches lets get crazy."

Round one

Simon : Cliff Richard "the Vagina Hunter"

Simon : "There's a problem with showing Paris' book her people wouldn't clear showing it on Tv so if we show it we have to pixelate it. Like that."

Phil : "Wow."

Simon : "Live it wont be pixelated ha the people in the audience going "its not pixelated."

Christina : "Have you seen the sex tape? Its so boring."

Simon : "What did you want in the sex tape ?"

Noel : "Backing music."

Christina : "Y'know when your on a ferry and your like "Be there soon I can see the isle of white" ? Kinda like that except more boring."

Simon : Have you ever interviewed Christina ?"

Penny: "No."

Simon: Well lets do it now."

Penny : "Is that your dress and when can I steal it?"

Christina : "Yeah, are you free in 20 ? I'll look away and try not to be startled."

Penny : "Or eat porridge it calms you down."

Phil : "No it doesn't Tim Westwood eats porridge."

Christina : "Do y'know what I heard about Westwood yeah he calls his Wife five minutes before he gets home to put the backing track on so when he opens the door he goes "pshhhh big dog in the house" I don't know if its true but I heard that !"

Simon with the Question : After conducting a survey who's book is most likely to be abandoned in a hotel room Cliff Richard's or Paris Hilton's ?

Penny : "I think its Paris do y'not think ?"

Pennie : "I've stopped caring"

Simon : "Paris has said 'People think I've become famous instantly because I was born into a rich well known family and everything has come easily to me.' How judgmental it wasn't the silver spoon in her mouth that made her famous."

Simon : "Oily, bouncy and bloated Jordan's third favourite hit and second favourite twat its Peter Andre."

Simon : "Face of Pepsi, McDonalds and L'Oreal she wont stop until every child dies of obesity but with shiny tangle free hair it's the lovely Beyonce Knowles."

Christina : "Can I ask a question ?"

Simon : "No you cant ask another question Christina because already you're a bit childish come on, but your not alone Penny Smith has worked on GMTV for thirteen years you have to assume she's gone from painkillers or something .Do you want another drink ?"

Christina : "Sure."

Simon : "Too bad. Go to a pub with Noel then."
Christina : "I'm hanging out with him later."
Noel : "We're workin' mates."

Simon : "What are you really going to do with him later ?"

Christina : "What's that suppose to mean! "

Simon : "He wants to sell you drugs. Don't go near him. Do something with that nice Lily Allen."

Christina : Don't know her. Thanks for making things awkward Simon."

Simon : "Yes, can we all just agree I am the worst person on the face of this planet? Sue me."

Christina : "Oh Yes Yes Yes I concur."

Simon : "Lovely to have you here part of the BBC's new remit more Americans less carbon emissions."

[Christina nods head enthusiastically]

Round Two (Intros)

Penny Smith : "Mcfly, 911 …. Wolfmother."

Simon : "Wolf mother ?! Point for credibility Penny Smith."

Simon : "What about John Stapleton (GMTV presenter) He's a bit weird has he tried anything on ?"

Penny: "Stop it with your nonsense."

Simon :"The time is 7'oclock the place is, my lap."

Simon later : "The time is 9pm the place is, my Travelodge."

Phil : "I bet Stapleton, after he's been shagging all night, not a hair out of place."

Trevor : "I bet he does it with a shower cap on. I bet he puts one on and then its like that's for you lady and this is for me"

Christina : (makes a face)

Simon : "Whats that ?"

Christina : "I dunno its my new thing."

Simon : "I thought that was crack."

Christina : "Do I look like Russell Brand ?"

Simon : "Yes."

Trevor : "This feels like a really dysfunctional Christmas day doesn't it ?"

Simon :Queen Fans sent electric six death threats when their video showed Dick Valentine dancing on Freddie Mercury's grave Ben Elton was equally unimpressed as he's been doing that for four sensational years."

Simon : "Are you a big Ben Elton fan ?"

Trevor : "Who isn't, the mans a genius."

Simon: "He is a bit of a sell out though isn't he?"

Penny: "Is that such a bad thing ?"

Christina : "I don't think there is such a thing as integrity or being a sell out I just think he's great."

Round Three (the line-up)

Simon : "Number one open your pocket

Simon :"I'm dreading what he's got in there"

Christina :"It's a ferret."

Simon :"What's that ?"

Number one : "Sweeties."

[Pennie leaps over the table]

Simon : "What are they ?"

Pennie : "Chocolate covered nuts. Again."

Phil : "How long have they been in your pocket?"

Pennie : "They are a bit warm."

Phil [chewing] "That's horrible. Eurghh."

Audience : "Awwwwwwww."

Penny :"That's not nice."

Penny : "You've really hurt his feelings."

Audience : "Boooooo."

Phil : "They had been in the engineers pocket for some time."

[Christina gets up and hugs number one]

Audience : "Awwwwwww."

Trevor : "Do any of the others have sweeties ? Number 2 you better come through with the goods motherfucker."

Simon : "Do you always have the sweets with you for diabetes ?

Number :"Glycoma."

Trevor :"I tell you what else helps with the Glycoma a lovely big spilff number One. Seriously THC relaxes the nerve endings.

Christina : "Oi Moore his name is not number one be respectful I don't like it."

Trevor : " Okay Mr Number one."

Phill : "No 2 has got the cheeky twinkle."

Pennie : "No 5s got wellies on I'm not sure which way that's gonna make me sway."

Phil : "Are you saying he's not a real train engineer ?"

Pennie: "He's probably just the gardener. "

Simon : "They get paid and they know what's gonna happen."

Trevor : "Oh god you sound like a pimp. They get paid know what's gonna happen" as you close the container lorry and set sail for Western Europe."

Noel : [in Russian accent] "and when we get there we get travel card yes?."

Noel : "Yes there's plenty more where that came from Natalia."

Simon : "Did you ever meet Jessica garlic ?"

Christina :"Nooo Simon."

Simon :"Are you not having a nice time ?"

Christina :"Yes I am having a whale of a time."

Simon : "Why not drink more?"

[Christina scowls]

Simon : "Why the face ? We could be best mates you know! "

Christina : "Stop pining me as a crack head alcoholic! " (audience cheers)

Christina : "They're on my side. "

Simon : "You've won them over with looks. Speaking of which we need to uglify you, the game won't work you're too distracting. "

Christina : "(she stands on the table and the audience cheers) What? I can't hear you over the sound of love ."

Simon : "You can't do that ! Now this isn't a pop quiz this is an intervention. You've become a fan tyrant and we're all here for you. We all care for you Christina." (audience laughs and she sits back down)

Noel : "Told you he was mean."

Penny :"That wouldn't happen on GMTV."

Simon :"Nothing happens on GMTV."

Round Four (Next Lines)

Simon : "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag …..".

Christina : " ….. floating in the wind ready to start again."

Simon :"Nice pretty girl we could have lovely children. With terrible hair."

Simon :"They tried to make me go to rehab"

Christina :"and I said No No No."

Simon : "In hindsight isn't it a shame now that she didn't ?"

Simon : "Nagilah Hava Nagilah Hava Nagilah Hava ….."

Trevor :" ….. Oi."

Simon :"Nahgilah Hava by Jews."

[Time runs out and music ends]

Christina : "Noooo."

Simon : "Ok one more."

Christina : "I never want it to end."

Simon : "Don't you ever come around here ……."

Noel : " ……. because you're a registered sex offender."