Matt to Javier, not too shabby!

Remember when I said Matt Damon was going to play the villain in the movie I'm in? WELL, Matt decided to dip out like a biatch (not really it was for a family thing but whatever) so, we had to replace him. However we replaced him with Javier Bardem and that is damn awesome. I saw Skyfall not too long ago and I loved the job he did with Silva. Plus, he's got that Spanish accent and mmmmm damn it is delicious.

Jules and I are in Utah right now going snowboarding and it's a blast, a cold blast, but a blast. I signed on for another BBC show...don't ask me when I want to stress myself to the point of tears but I am. Ugh. Happy new year's eve everyone!

Ah, I see now

I see the parallelism now. Things this week have been not so great between Joe and I but Anne (Hathaway) and I have really been hitting it off. Here's what happened:

Joe had been texting me for a lot of my time in California and I thought that that was normal because Joe and I are best friends and I did not think anything else of it. But Anne pointed it out to me. She thought that Joe had a crush on me and last time I didn't tell Julian of someone who had a crush on me he got very angry so I told him immediately that Anne was having these thoughts and so Jules was even more conscious of the texting from Joe. After the break of lots of texts from Joe I went back to New York and Joe and I were supposed to hang out because I had gotten him an inside joke gift and I was gonna give it to him but he was nowhere to be found! I texted him asking where he was and he just said that he was too tired to hang out (granted my flight got in late and I was 3 hours jet lagged) so I said okay, and Joe was supposed to be super super busy this week because he is doing lectures on college campuses (RIU most recently) and what not so I knew that I wasn't going to see him all the time, but with him LIVING WITH ME AND ALL, I figured I see him a little less than usual. Anyways, so Joe tells me Sunday (the night he said he was too tired) that tomorrow he'll come pick up his gift because he's going to be staying with a friend for the next few days. I didn't ask why but I assumed that he would follow through with his word. Monday comes around and I didn't hear from him all day, not even at night. So Tuesday rolls around and I asked him about something that didn't have to do with his random not-showing-up event, and I don't know but he was just being so rude on the phone and I just didn't understand what the hell was his problem but I chalked it off to him being stressed and busy, he says he might pick up the gift that night. He doesn't show up. Wednesday comes and usually on Wednesdays a few SNL people including myself go out to dinner together and the past few times Joe has come along too and this time Joe showed up to NBC while we were running through scenes. He barely said a word to me. But everyone else was his best friend that night he was chatting everyone up! Ugh, and then Kenan asked Joe if he was going to get food with us but he said no because he had to prepare for his lecture for Saturday. I assumed that that was what he was actually doing. So I texted him an hour after I had seen him and asked him "when we hanging out" and he asked when I was free and then I said whenever and he didn't really respond with an answer instead we texted back and forth for about 2 hours and he was still being a jerk in all these text messages, so I ended the conversation with "You know what? Forget it. Forget I  even asked to hang out." and he didn't respond and I fell asleep. And all the while through this conversation he wasn't replying immediately it was in 45 minute intervals and 15 minute intervals. And apparently he was replying so slowly because he was hanging out with friends! Ahhh! I was pissed.

Finally Thursday came around and at 1PM I get a text from Joe (after I had promised myself to never start a conversation with him again until he apologized) saying, "I'm sorry! I was bein a jerk last night. I have fliming at 4:30PM and then I'm working on my lecture till 10:30 but afterwards I'm free. You wanna hang out?" and immediately I thought of just awful things to say to him. A nice fuck you would have sufficed, I was going to not reply as well but I eventually did after consulting Anne (who I had been texting about Joe's weirdness all week) and I said yes to hanging out but that we needed to discuss his douche-baggery. So I had already made plans that night with Seth, Vanessa, Tim, and Taran to watch the NBC shows together and while that was going on Joe texted me saying that he finished up doing stuff and that he was going to pick me up. So I told him that I was with Seth, Vanessa, Tim and Taran and he immediately jumped on that bandwagon and said that they should all come hang out at Joe's friend's house and I (not wanting to sound sad because I had originally thought that it would be a one-on-one thing) agreed and invited everyone over. Only Seth and Taran came over but then Bobby joined as well and it was...interesting. Well like I have said previously, Joe has some college-aged friends and so there was beer pong at this "party" and beer bongs, hookas, etc. I'm not trying to brag but I'm pretty good at beer pong, Seth and I beat Taran and Joe (and Joe's a champ) but then we lost in a rematch and Joe-yet again-was being a jerk to me! I just did not understand what was going on. After a while Taran left, and then Bobby, and then it was just me, Joe, and super wasted completely drunk Seth who was taking rounds outside the outside and occasionally vomiting. And it was just Joe and me inside. It felt normal when it was just us two so I thought maybe he was trying to put on airs in front of other SNL cast members to seem cool (again making so many excuses for this kid!) and then once Seth went home we were alone. And we talked. For a loooooooooooong time. The conversation started as both of us on a couch just arguing. Arguing like an old married couple, it was ridiculous. Finally the arguing stops and I ask Joe something I had suspected because of Anne:

CHRISTINA

Joe, are you distancing yourself from me because you like me?

JOE

...maybe a little.

CHRISTINA

Noticed.

JOE

Well. I'm not supposed to like you. You have a boyfriend.

CHRISTINA

This is true. But you feel how you feel, there's no rhyme or reason to it.

JOE

...we can't keep living together.

CHRISTINA

(suddenly angry she crosses her arms and turns her head away. JOE puts his arm around her and she shrugs him off) No stop.

JOE

Christina...

CHRISTINA 

No! You don't want to stay with me then I don't want you touching me.

JOE

Christina of course I want to stay with you!

CHRISTINA

Then why aren't you?

JOE

Because I shouldn't! Am I being illogical right now? You have a boyfriend, it's not fair to Julian, it's not fair to you and it's not fair to me.

CHRISTINA

(tears in her eyes) How is it not fair for me?

JOE

Look at you, you're clearly torn up about this. Look, I'm not asking you to break up with Julian for me and I don't want you to choose. I just want you to be happy.

CHRISTINA

And you think that's with you.

JOE

It could be. Look, I'm sorry I like you but it's the way it is.

CHRISTINA

Why can't things go back to normal...

JOE

What's normal?

CHRISTINA

Like when we were just best friends who made-out on set and cuddling while watching TV but it meant nothing. Why can't we go back to that?

JOE 

Because I'm not gonna all the sudden just stop liking you.

CHRISTINA

Why do you even like me? I'm gross! I burp and I tell stupid jokes and all I talk about is my boyfriend!

JOE

I think it's cute when you burp.

CHRISTINA

AH! I just don't understand. Please stay with me at NBC.

JOE

(getting upset and yet frustrated at the same time) I want to! But I can't!

CHRISTINA

Yes you can!

JOE

What do you expect me to do? I mean, put yourself in my shoes. What would you do?

CHRISTINA

I don't know, Joe I don't know! (she gets more upset and curls up and starts to cry. JOE rubs her back and CHRISTINA is still)

JOE

Please talk to me...

CHRISTINA

I don't want to think about this can't we just forget this ever happened?

JOE

No.

CHRISTINA

And what about over Thanksgiving break? You texted me all the time, when did you decide to stop talking to me?

JOE

While you were gone. But I missed you.

CHRISTINA

I missed you too.

JOE

But we can't do this, you're not single.

CHRISTINA

I know. I'm sorry.

JOE

Don't say you're sorry. It's not your fault.

CHRISTINA

It is my fault! I shouldn't have let you get this close to me. I don't know why I keep thinking that I can have male friends, clearly it's just not possible. 

JOE

Can you blame me for liking you?

CHRISTINA

Ugh.

And the conversation went on like that for a while and I don't know who fell asleep on that couch first but that's where we ended up. The conversation ended with us saying we're staying friends and that Joe's still gonna live with me. The movie will be Joe's vice for his feelings as well as drunk nice when we dance, but I'm not leaving Julian for Joe. Not ever.

But what's with the title, you ask? Because I had the sad, sad realization that I'm Summer and he's Tom. He's Tom again. 

"we're just friends"

Thanksgiving 2012 in California

I got to spend 6 wonderful days with Jules and honestly the trip couldn't have gone better if we tried.

TUESDAY
I flew from JFK to LAX and arrived in Los Angeles at 3:50PM and Jules was a little late to the airport because my flight was supposed to come in at 4:00PM but it came in early so he drove up to the pick-up zone in front of SouthWest Airlines and he jumped out of the car and gave me the biggest hug ever, he even lifted me off the ground! Haha, it was fun. Once I got my bags in the car we headed back to the house he was staying in and the rest of The Strokes had vacated the area to go be with their families. So it was just Jules and me for the whole trip in this huge house with a pool and everything! Tuesday was a very cozy and comfy day because we haven't seen each other in over 6 weeks so it was cuddle-central at Jules' house. We went in the Jacuzzi for a bit and then ate a feast of a meal for dinner. I was on east coast time so I was very very tired at around 10PM which was around when we went to bed after watching a little bit of Cake Boss on the computer.
WEDNESDAY
Wednesday started out with a haircut at 11:30AM and then Jules and I went to go see Cloud Atlas right afterwards (really interesting movie, Tom Hanks woo!) and then we started preparing for Thanksgiving Dinner the next day which would be Jules, John (Jules' Dad) Casablancas, his model wife Aline, and their kids Fernando, John Jr., Victoria, and Catherine. From the start Julian and I assumed it would be an absolute nightmare, and John had just vowed to sobriety so it was a non-alcoholic Thanksgiving. This dinner was destined for horrible things. So on Wednesday I set the dinning room table, peeled potatoes and put the 20lb turkey in brine while Jules went out and bought all little things that I could make for tomorrow. Then together we made lots of desserts like magic bars and German chocolate cake and frosted cupcakes and chocolate chips cookies....etc. Then we went to Diddy Reise (this famous cookie store in Westwood [by UCLA]) and ate lots of cookies and then watched The Emperor's New Groove and went to sleep in each others arms on the couch.
THURSDAY
Thanksgiving day! I woke up at around 9AM and started opening cans of yams for the candied yams and cranberry sauce for the...well...cranberry sauce, then I put the turkey together and did some decorations on this huge mansion and the guests arrived at 3:30PM and the football games were on and surprisingly...things went well. No stupid comments were made and everyone enjoyed themselves and at 9PM everyone was heading out with plenty of leftovers and good thoughts (or so I hoped they had). I was very pleasantly surprised and I think Julian was as well. I mean the relationship between Jules and John isn't very good considering Julian is relatively close to his mother and was raised by her almost entirely. I can see why Thanksgiving could have been a nightmare but thankfully (haha thankfully) it was wonderful.
FRIDAY
Friday Jules and I woke up at 6AM and went to downtown Los Angeles and got some IHOP and just sat in front of a Walmart and watched chaos ensue. It was pretty funny just watching people just jump all over each other for such material things. There was a big old black lady who was ramming her shopping cart into people as she barged into Walmart yelling "MOMMA'S GOT A BIG LIST THIS YEAR MOVE THE HELL OVA!". It was the most stereotypical thing I had seen in a long time. Then on the way home we got some In-n-Out and spent the entire just being lazy. Definitely watched 2 hours of Nickelodeon while eating Pringles and Nutella. Then we walked his neighborhood for a bit and stopped in at the local market to get some water and cookie dough, which we then ate the whole thing uncooked while watching Cake Boss. It's safe to say it was an eventful day.
SATURDAY
Saturday was probably one of my favorite days of all of my vacation. It started at 11AM when Jules and I went to Palos Verdes to get some nice breakfast with a beautiful view and got some Starbucks as well. Then afterwards we went back to the house to get some sunscreen and water shoes because we decided to go to San Pedro and go hang out around the tide pools! Oh it was so much fun, we saw lots of crabs and snails and sea urchins and what not. And we had it all to ourselves, no one was there! We put a towel down and watched the ocean for a bit and we took lots of pictures and...ah, it was wonderfully blissful. I think I got a little bit of a tan! Afterwards we got some food at Jules' house and then hung out for a bit and then went to the Santa Monica pier to go to the arcade and to get some dinner. Walking on that promenade was such a blast we saw all those street performers and twinkling lights. Wonderful. Got a nice picture in front of the big Christmas tree where the main focus of the mall is located. Then Jules had his first PF Changs dinner, ever! He loved it. Then we went home and fell asleep on his couch cuddling one another.
SUNDAY
Sadly this was my last day in California and it had to end so early because the only flight I could get back was one that left at 8:30AM which meant I had to be at the airport at 6:30AM. So Jules dropped me off at the airport and we had another teary goodbye but I'll be seeing him in 16 days so I'm not too distraught. I love me my Julian and I can't wait to have those butterflies rush into my system again when I get to see him next. And in NYC! Maybe The Strokes will play for an SNL Christmas episode! Maybe maybe.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

by Christina Essenelle

Oh how I've come to love Joe. It's so funny when people don't understand who I'm talking about when I say Joe since most people call him by his professional name, but I just call him Joe Gordon. I honestly do not remember when I met Joe. I know he was at my birthday party and I feel like he might have been at the SNL Christmas Party of 2010 but I'm not 100% sure. All I know is that ever since he's started living with me   (August 2012) that I've been a less where-the-fuck-is-my-boyfriend kind of girl. Joe is such a kind hearted person, all he does he does for others and he has such a sense of humor. He's one of those people that you meet every once in a while and it's just clockwork when you do meet. I felt like I've known him my whole life when I met him, I talk to him about everything. The one thing I love about Joe that I don't find in most guys is that he IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME. That's the great thing about Joe, he doesn't want to date me and not to toot my own horn but that is not something that is easily found. Maybe it's because I met Joe when he was getting over Zooey but Joe and I are the best of friends, we have a brother-sister kind of relationship where whenever we're at parties I send girls his way and he pushes guys far away from me. It's a perfect relationship. I have to attribute Joe to my first real movie gig. Chris Nolan said that when he was auditioning people he knew had to be the lead so it was mainly up to whoever had the best chemistry, and Joe and I had it. I feel like we have a similar relationship to Emma Watson and Rupert Grint because they have to kiss on screen but it's weird for them because they're such good friends. You know I've tried to have good guy friends and it's just ended up not working out. Fab is a good example of that. 

One thing that I must point out is that Joe is so weird. Joe is by far the weirdest person I've ever met in my entire life, weirder than me! And that's a feat! You can catch Joe and I making weird noises to each other as if it were a form of communication, I remember my hair and make-up lady telling me that she thought that Joe and I were related because we have a similar weird style of humor. He's hilarious and always goes for the long drawn out joke as opposed to the regular one-liner. He needs to be on SNL more often, I'm always telling him that if his movie career doesn't work out I could ask Lorne to make him a featured player. And he always says that if he went to that then that meant that his career was over. CLEVER JOE CLEVER.

I'm so happy that Joe and I are the best of friends because he's been there for me 100% of the time, he's my drinking buddy, my body guard, my confidante, and the guy who will call me out on my bullshit. He's also totally okay with lazy days in our pajamas watching reality TV eating soup and laying upside on my couch. You know what's one thing Joe doesn't do enough? DO HIS MAGIC MIKE DANCE. I try to make him do it in public but he won't because he doesn't want the attention (but secretly he does). Anyways, Joe, you are such a big part of my life and you'll always be the godfather to my unborn children. 

Ladies he's single!  

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving is here and you know what the means...JULIAN AND I WILL BE REUNITED AT LAAAASSSTTT! I'm going to California to go see him and we will have dinner at the house he and the rest of The Strokes have been staying in. It's in Los Angeles but I'm not sure where region of LA. I'm so excited to see Jules again, sure I'm gonna miss Joe and Nasim and the rest of my SNL buddies but I've been craving to see Jules. I mean, 6 weeks apart! That's crazy! Ah! However Julian promised that this break was the longest that we'll ever have to be apart and no more long periods of us not being together anymore (:

I go back to NYC on Sunday morning and then Julian will be living back in NYC for 3 weeks starting in the middle of December and then we switch off every month from there and then in May when SNL ends Julian will be back in NYC for the rest of the summer. Hopefully the album will also be done by then! I'd like to really thank my fans and the fans of SNL and the Strokes for keeping this blog alive since I barely am. My assistant appreciates the emails, they're hilarious. He showed me a few of the ones with video links...you guys send us the craziest shit.

Jules Jules Jules. I'm having so much fun filming this movie and making memories but I wish Jules were here along for the ride. Parties have definitely been a lot crazier without Jules here. I mean...parties have been crazy. Don't get me wrong I love going to a party with Jules but I'm usually on his arm and having a conversation but now...I feel like I'm in Animal House. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing, you know? I'm young and I should be in a college atmosphere right now but I grew up a little too fast. Maybe I can be in a movie where I'm a college student. That would be cool, alright movie directors make it happen!

But seriously the parties have been crazy. I went to one on Wednesday last week (don't judge me I party hard on Wednesday) and man...that was a good party. Joe hangs out with a lot of people my age that he's known for a while and we went over to one of their homes a little outside the city and just went nuts. We played this game called Wizard Staff where you drink beer and after you finish one can you tape it to your next beer and you end up with this big staff! And after 4 beers you have to take a shot of some hard liquor and that's your "boss" level. So, I had a lovely 7 beer can wizard staff but Joe took the cake with 11. (Truth be told I'm listening to a live performance by The Strokes of Razorblade...why can't it be tomorrow yet??) Then we got lots of food and Joe and I crashed at around 5:30am after talking about everything in the universe and having a glow-stick fight. Shit gets REAL in New York City.

I was watching Cake Boss the other day and Buddy had to deliver a cake to some socialite who lived in Manhattan and was having a party at Alice's Tea Cup (love that place, went there for the 1st time this summer) and Buddy was saying how there's some people who live in Manhattan and that there's nothing else besides Manhattan and how New Jersey was cool too. WELL BUDDY, I agree that some bitches in Manhattan are snooty but let's be real: New Jersey is a pretty horrible place to live. Doesn't mean that you're cake shop isn't the coolest thing in the world (because it is and I love your show) but let's be real here...New York is 100X better than New Jersey.

Peace and Love,
Tyra

P.S. If Tyra Banks is reading this I want a signed photograph of you when you were 23 for my 23rd birthday.

Yikes!

Had a bit of a scare at that fundraiser! Honestly I don't really want to talk about it, I already had a press conference over the uninvited visitor so I wouldn't press on much further on this discussion. I'm fine, and Joe is not in trouble, do not worry public! If I were actually worried I wouldn't be doing SNL this Saturday...BUT I AM! Louis C.K. has been so much fun to work with, he's a weird guy but really funny. And just in case Jimmy Carr is reading this you can add another celebrity to the list cause I'm making on some Louis in this episode. I'm not in too many scenes this week, just 2 actually but they're really good and the show should be great, minus that one scene which Louis apparently demanded we do it, for the sake of knowing it would be awful but he wanted to do it anyways. Ha, okay, sure, why not. I'm not in it so I don't really care.

Filming has been going well, Joe hasn't been filmed for the past 2 weeks but I have. I have a lot of little things to do for the movie like photo shoots and training and action sequences. It's crazy. I got to work with Gary Oldman today! It was very exciting, I got to show off my recently-acquired gymnastics skills and got to be sassy to Gary as well. Great day, good filming. He's such a good actor it's unreal. He only slipped up once and that's cause he called me Christina instead of my character's name. Hilarious.

Fundraiser

NBC is throwing a Red Cross Fundraiser tonight in 30 Rock's Ballroom. I'm very excited since it's been all doom and gloom in NYC since Hurricane Sandy. Finally have power back! Woo woo! And Louis C.K. is hosting SNL on Friday. Should be a very funny show however some of the skits (one is particular) I just do not like what so ever. Ah well, I'm not a writer. However I do have a one-on-one scene with Louis that I'm very excited for. That'll be filmed tomorrow. But tonight is the fundraiser and Joe and I will be looking quite spiffy in our fancy-people wear.

Even if you're not invited you should still donate to those affected by the hurricane, much love!

Schedule

Remember when I used to have time to do things?

Monday
9:00-10:00-Skype Julian
10:00-11:30-Hair & Make-Up
11:30-12:20-Training
12:20-1:30-SNL Filming
1:30-2:20-Movie Filming
2:20-3:30-Lunch
3:30-4:20-Movie Filming
4:20-5:30-SNL Filming
5:30-6:20-Dinner
6:20-7:00-Free Time (WHAT!)
7:00-9:00-Workshops
9:00-10:00-Free Time
10:00-12:00+-Movie Meeting

...ugh

Day 4 {Seth MacFarlane}

LINES ARE DUE TOMORROW AND I AM FREAKING OUT!!! I don't know if I'm even ready to start filming my first movie ever...my hair is twinged red and my eyes are blue and I'm nervous! My body is in the best shape it's been and I can do backflips and front handsprings

Day 3 {Seth MacFarlane}

Wednesdays are good days because there's usually a photo-shoot and only one scene filmed that day, and today that was the case! Seth MacFarlane did his photo-shoot for after scene moments that aren't commercials and then we also filmed a new title sequence for all the new cast members! Very exciting, Joe and I are on mega-crunch time with our lines and fight scenes and Joe's been working really hard that he's buffed up hard core for the movie. By the way Joe is hosting next week! Don't know if you knew that but he is, and I'm very excited to say that I know what the scenes are for that week...but they're a secret.

dun Dun DUUUUUNNNNNNNNN

Wooden Spoons was filmed today which is a weird minute long scene with just Tim and Seth MacFarlane and it's really fucking weird. Just an FYI.

Day 2 {Seth MacFarlane}

Today we filmed Eastwood and Chair, Sex After 50, and Steve Harvey. I'm not sure exactly why we're doing so many scenes a day instead of just two but it's not good for me...I'm busy what can I say. But Lorne appreciates that I'm going above and beyond and I still want to stay with SNL so, I'm not bailing out on you guys. I will still do as many scenes as I can for the shows...if you want me to that is. Ha ha, send me some questions! My assistant is bored! Give him some love! I am in Eastwood and that was a lot of fun, like Lids I am a cameo so not much memorizing nor time committeemen for those two scenes. You know whose ratings have been up since he first came on the show? Taran Killam's. People are really starting to love Taran and that's awesome and I hope he gets a lot more scenes this year since he didn't get a lot last season.

Today was the first day I got to work with the new cast, and it was Tim! Really sweet guy has a lot of potential, I actually really like all of the new members (thank God), Kate is still bothering me but apparently Lorne had a talk with her so maybe she'll get better and stop breaking that damn 4th wall...

Toodles!

Day 1 {Seth MacFarlane}

Hey ya'll! Filming starts THIS FRIDAY! Very excited, it's the exact same time we do intense rehearsal for Seth MacFarlane on SNL so...good fuckin luck to me juggling that. Today we filmed Lids, the promos, and the Mitt Romney Ad. I was in Lids so today I had to learn some choreography and then quickly film that scene so I could head out with Joe and do more training. I've got all the moves down but the fight scenes aren't looking as realistically as they could be. But! I do have 99% of my lines memorized (as I always do have them memorized) so, at least if we film one-on-one scenes I'll be prepared. Not sure what we're filming on friday for the movie though. Seth MacFarlane is a lot funnier than I would have expected, I love family guy and think the show is hilarious but for some reason I just assumed he wasn't as funny as his show was, well boy was I wrong. I met him today and his characters were spot on and hilarious. Good season opener you guys won't want to miss!

JULIAN COMES NEXT FRIDAY. WHY ARE FRIDAYS SO AMAZINGLY JAM-PACKED?

SNL Kicks it Back Into Gear

And we're back into show mode! Week one is Seth MacFarlane and Frank Ocean and I am SO excited. Three new members from the Second City in Chicago they are:
Aidy Bryant
Tim Robinson
Cecily Strong
They all seem to be really nice and I hope that they perform well this Saturday for our FIRST SHOW OF THE YEAR!!! (well...TV season year/academic year)
Some new changes, we got a new title sequence! Since everyone left...Vanessa is now a full-time cast member on SNL as well as Jay, Nasim, and Taran.


Here are the scenes for this week!
Cold Open: Obama vs. Romney (Fred, Jay)
Lids (Bobby, Taran, Christina, Nasim, Kenan, Jason)
Eastwood and Chair (Tim, Jay, Bill, Christina, Taran)
Puppet Class (Vanessa, Kenan, Bill)
First Date (Bobby, Tim, Christina, Aidy, Kenan, Fred, Bill)
Update (Bobby, Nasim, Cecily, Jay, Seth)
Mitt Romney Ad (Bill, Kenan)
Wooden Spoons (Tim)
Steve Harvey (Vanessa, Kenan)
Drill Sergeant (Bobby, Kenan, Tim, Taran, Fred)
Rodger Brush
Sex After 50 (Vanessa, Bobby, Bill, Fred, Tim)

Day 6 {Movie}

Yesterday was a rough day and today is a rough day. Joe does not like Noel because of something I told Joe about Noel and Noel is frustrated with me for getting back together with Julian and I just want everyone to get along and I'm so busy with physical training and writing scenes and SNL starts in 2 weeks and...AAH! I just might explode. I just might.

I miss Jules. There's not a day that goes by when I don't remember when The Strokes toured in Europe and wish that that's where I was. I watch the In Transit movie all the time and cry at what we all had. True friendship and total destruction of it all. I don't know if Nick and I will ever be friends again. I hope so, I do miss him terribly. Julian is coming to NYC on the 28th! That's in 24 days and I'm SO EXCITED! Noel and Joe will not be living with me at that point. Privacy is a must. I think about all the time about how sad it is to think about The Mighty Boosh. As Noel said in his note to me I'm not the same person I was back during the Boosh or even after it. I know I'm being very nostalgic right now but it's been a very...reflective past few days. My relationship with Noel is so strained, we've been through so much together and I wish I could just get drunk and party and forget but everything is so different. I feel like I'm in the denouement of my story and I don't want it to be that way! I miss the past, but like Noel said, life is just moving on I can't get it back and that's what kills me.

Anyways, enough of that kind of thinking for now. Today is Tuesday so I had physical training from 8-11AM then went to lunch with Joe and Noel which was not pleasant. It was a battle of sarcasm from the moment they entered the dinning court of 30 Rock. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. Noel might have to go live at his apartment from now on, God forbid he lives where he's paying to live. I have more physical therapy from 4-7PM and then afterwards I'm meeting with a few friends at 10PM. Busy day indeed!

A Change in Scenery

Oh man, I was just reading through old posts and found this one " I just got a really nasty email about why SNL sucks and that if Andy and I were gone the show would be cancelled. Well screw you emailer, the show is more than just two actors. First off: Andy isn't really in the skits anymore. Second off: Kristen Wiig! Bill Hader! Jason Sudeikis! Come on, you can't say they're not funny." 

WHY ARE ANDY, KRISTEN, AND MAYBE JASON LEAVING? Ugh. Anyways, today has been a very uneventful day. I've mainly been on my computer just watching videos of The New Batman Adventures and listening to music while painting. I'm a pretty boring person. Noel will probably be more prevalent in my blog from now on since he's back in a flash. I did training from 8-11AM and then again from 4-7PM it was fun, they say I'm learning everything really fast and that I'm improving every hour. I can do a backhand spring but I can't do the second part of it yet. The push off from the handstand and I'm not very good at landing the handstand after the backhand spring. IT'S DIFFICULT. I would love to see you try it (unless you are the Fab Five then do not rub it in my face how obscenely talented you are). Sorry about that lack of Big Fat Quiz transcript. That game show was so much fun and I might be doing it again this Christmas! But I'm not sure, I'd really love to do it with Noel but I don't think he will be doing it and that's A-okay but... I do want him there. It's a tradition, I do British things with Noel...or things that Noel has done. Speaking of Noel, I'm in the car with him right now and we're driving upstate. Well to Saratoga Springs to go and chill in the woods. It'll be fun! We're listening to some old tunes by College and Kasabian. He says hey:

NOEL

Where's Jules?

CHRISTINA

Oh we're not gonna start back up some rivalry now are we?

NOEL

I hope not. I did apologize for that.

CHRISTINA

Yeah, yeah I know. He still hates you though.

NOEL

Understandable. But where is he anyways?

CHRISTINA

Right now he's in California working on his latest album. 

NOEL

Very cool, yeah Angles wasn't that popular was it?

CHRISTINA

Hush you. It made millions.

NOEL

(laughing) I'm teasing. I brought paint by the way.

CHRISTINA

As I expected. Are you going to be living with me for the next few weeks?

NOEL

Eh, who knows. I do have my own apartment but it's so lonely. 

CHRISTINA

You should probably get a girlfriend.

NOEL

I'm off the market, finding meself you know?

CHRISTINA

Is that why we're going to the woods? I've found myself in the woods before.

NOEL

Why were there mirrors?

CHRISTINA

Har har, so where've you been for the past few months?

NOEL

London! I do have other places to be other than your apartment you know.

CHRISTINA

Sure sure, I need to get some girls in my apartment before it become a fraternity.

NOEL 

Well you're just one of those girls who doesn't like girls.

CHRISTINA

This is true, I do like Nasim though. And Amy and Tina.

NOEL

Yes but not all the time.

CHRISTINA

Ha ha, true. Thanks for letting me stay at your apartment during my shitting spring. 

NOEL 

No problem. You would obviously do the same so...ha ha

CHRISTINA

Ha ha, yeah. 

NOEL

Have you finished The I.T. Crowd?

CHRISTINA

Yeah, the was my last BBC project for this year. I might do another one maybe in 2013. 

NOEL

Did you hear about Jimmy doing a 80s, 90s, and 00s quiz of the year? I was asked to do it.

CHRISTINA

Me too, and the one around Christmas. It's funny when the emails got sent out Jonathan said that he'd be delighted if I was his partner. 

NOEL

(laughing) Yeah we didn't really give him a chance now did we?

CHRISTINA

Oh please, the audience was eating us up the second we walked into the room. I did some crazy stuff for points...remember that night?

NOEL

Oh I remember it perfectly well.

CHRISTINA

Yeah you and your big kisses.

NOEL

I did it for the points!

CHRISTINA

(laughs) Not according to my transcript.

NOEL

Yeah I saw that, they cut out about 90% of the show!

CHRISTINA

Yeah well I wasn't going to type it up myself and that is actually a compilation of several people who sent them in in January. 

NOEL

Nice fans. 

CHRISTINA

I think everyone was having a blast that night. I would do the show again.

NOEL

Me too, only for kisses though.

CHRISTINA

(laughs) I'll set you up with Cat Deely then.

NOEL

She's a minx I swear, gorgeous.

CHRISTINA

Yeah, if we do it again we need a better name for our pub.

NOEL

Yeah that was a bit weird.

CHRISTINA

(pointing to the left side of the fork in the road) Oh make a left here.

NOEL

Alright. What's Julian gonna say when he's found out you've been rattlin' around with me?

CHRISTINA

I'm sure I'll be dead.

NOEL

Really? Why're you doing this then?

CHRISTINA

What's life without a little rebellious behavior? 

NOEL

(he gives her a confused look and then a smile and then goes back to watching the road) Are we almost there?

CHRISTINA 

Yeah it's just beyond this sign. (at this point the road is now gravel and NOEL parks the car in front of a thick meadow. They exit the vehicle) 

NOEL

This is that place we ended up in February after what happened. 

CHRISTINA

I've seen better days. (they walk into the woods quietly remembering that day in February everything changed)

~6 months previously~

~February 12th~

CHRISTINA

(sitting on a bridge CHRISTINA and NOEL dangle their feet off the edge, nearly touching the water underneath them. She had been living with NOEL for about a month and had brought him back to the States so she could restart her life again. Once arriving in NYC she gets an overwhelming feeling of depression and she runs off with NOEL and they drive until they find a nice woodsy area to relax and unwind in) I was perfect.

NOEL

We've all been screwed over at one point or another.

CHRISTINA

I was born screwed over.

NOEL

I know. (taking her hand) I'm here for you.

CHRISTINA

I had a cookie cutter life after that one August. Everything was perfect, I should have known that it would end. I should have known Julian was not as perfect as he seemed to be. I should have  known! Why am I so stupid!?

NOEL

(he lets go of her hand and turns her face toward him) You're not stupid. Please don't say that, can I tell you a story?

CHRISTINA

(sniffles) Okay.

NOEL

When I was younger, about 16 or 17, I had two best mates. One was my good pal Rob and the other was the love of my life Carydeen. She was beautiful, didn't have a care in the world. Rob was the coolest guy ever I mean he'd wake up just ready to fight sharks I swear. Anyways, one day I wake up to police at my house. Carydeen was murdered. She was dead. I had no idea as to why or how but I knew that she was out with her friends last night. It turned out my best pal Rob had raped and killed her. He had loved her for several years and she dated me instead of him. He went to jail and I went on heartbroken. I had been with her for two years. I wanted to marry her (tearing up) we had planned to grow old together! (now breaking down) I couldn't understand why someone so close to me had hurt me so much! Someone who I trusted had ruined my life, shattered it into pieces! I didn't want to live without her and now I was forced to. (pause, he regains composure) She was the love of my life. And because of someone else, I had to forget my hopes and dreams and move on. But that's what life is, it's just moving on. Forgetting the bad and starting the new. Am I eternally blue because of Carydeen? Yes. Am I grateful to have met you? Of course. You are such a light to my day and more and more I want to move on. And that's what you have to do you have to move on. Julian was a good guy, but sometimes good guys have secrets and I'm sorry someone as righteous and beautiful as you had to be put through this and the parental ordeal. Christina just know I love you with all my heart, and if anyone sympathizes with you. It's me.

CHRISTINA

(she grabs onto his hand and holds it tightly. There is silence for several minutes, finally she jumps off the low bridge and into the creek. She takes off her soaked shoes and rolls up her pants and grabs several rocks from below. She hands several to NOEL and keeps a few in her hand) Here's to CBS! (she launches a stone into the creek) and to The Strokes! (another rock)

NOEL

Here's to Rob! (he joins in, angrily throwing the rocks into the creek) and to forgotten love! (another stone)

CHRISTINA

Here's to the losers and the scum and the evil and the wrong and the demons who created the monster I am today! (now screaming) FUCK YOU ALL! (she throws all of her rocks into the creek and then begins to cry. She falls down to her knees in the river and NOEL drops all of his rocks and holds her shoulders while kneeling in the cold water)

NOEL

(holding her tightly while she sobs in his hold) Come here. You're safe now. (caressing her hair he cries as well for he knows she will never be the same again) 

Noel wrote me a letter in May. He heard about Julian and I getting back together. He revisiting this place and wrote me this:

Christina-

I descended a dusty gravel path beneath that bridge

eventually I arrived at the place where your soul had died

barefoot in the shallow creek I grabbed some stones from underneath and waited for you to speak to me 

and the silence it became so very clear that you had long ago disappeared and I cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind 

all the way from London, I chased the end of your rope. Yet I've still got miles to go 

and I want to know my fate, if I keep up this way...it's hard to want to stay awake 

and then it started getting dark and i trudged back to where the car was parked 

no closer to any kind of truth 

as I must assume was the case with you

Come back to reality, love.

xxNoel

Day 5 {Movie}

I've had some interesting past few days. My physical training for the movie has been very intense and I've been working with Anne Hathaway a lot today (Sunday) because she had to undergo the same training. It's been a lot of fun but I feel like I'm being trained a little too intensely. Nonetheless I will still work hard and persevere! Today was just the training no little info session by experts from the movie or anything...so Joe and I got to hang out a lot which is always a blast. I skyped Jules pretty late because I had an unexpected encounter:

VOICE FROM BEHIND ME

Well, well, well ditched me for Levitt, yeah?

CHRISTINA

(turning around) NOEL! (she smiles and leaps into his arms) Are you back for good?

NOEL

 (she releases him) For now at least. How are you you little bumpalow? I've missed you!

CHRISTINA

I've missed you too, how's your new show? 

NOEL

It's really cool, I mean nothing compared to the boosh but it's a trip and I really like it, can I come over and have lunch with you?

CHRISTINA

Sure, God knows who's there. There's always someone living in my apartment at one time or another.

Which is totally true by the way. Someone is always in my apartment because it's usually open. Ah well I'm sure that will bite me in the butt later. So Noel came over to my room and we made mac-n-cheese with bits of bacon. Noel tried to glue eyes to the bacon and make them fight (I have a craft closet so googly eyes are not an uncommon item in my room) but I snatched them away before he could get to them. It was nice, I truly have missed Noel. He let me live with him when I thought the world, even Jules, hated me. He protected me when I thought people were trying to hunt me down. And for that I am eternally grateful to Sir Noel Fielding. After he left I was rewatching our Big Fat Quiz of the Year episode and I couldn't stop laughing, that was so much fun to do. The ending was of course....hold up. I just have word that I DIDN'T POST A TRANSCRIPT TO BIG FAT QUIZ OF THE YEAR 2011.

WHO AM I ANYMORE?? Sorry about that folks, that was during my sad time. 

JIMMY 

Hello I’m Jimmy Carr and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2011. Basically, I’m going to be asking you questions about 2011, and if you don't know how the show works, may God help you all. Let’s meet our teams: Team one, a pair of awkward quirky nerds who have been giving me the eye all night... it's Rob Brydon and David Tennant! ... Team Two: She’s the daring, sexy, and witty SNL star and he’s a raddled 72 year old running on comedy. Yes its Christina Essenelle and Jonathan Ross! ... And defending their title after 2006's triumph they're back, and by the look of them they’ve been celebrating ever since. It’s the Goth Detective’s: Noel Fielding and Russell Brand! ... So I’m presuming you’ve all come up with some pub quiz team names. Rob and David what have you got?

DAVID 

Well, we were thinking of going with ‘Doctor Heart Throb'. We feel we’re the more respectable team, yet at the same time behind our respectable exterior there’s a desperate lust for power. Also I play Doctor Who...and he's Rob. Doctor Heart Throb it is!

ROB

 And at this stage in the contest we can promise results, without having to follow through and provide results so we will have results and we will see a victory, David and I tonight of that we are confidant.

DAVID

 You can also come to us for tedious and obvious satire at any point in the evening.

JIMMY

 I will bare that in mind, Jonathan and Christina, do you have a pub quiz team name?

CHRISTINA

 Well just by judging Jonathan new beard and my new hair...I'm going to go with...(obviously trying to think of something) ...Blair...Witch.

JONATHAN

 I love how she correlates things. Hm, hair and hair. That goes PERFECTLY with the Blair Witch Project. 

CHRISTINA

 Well since we're a team we actually thought that one through for a while.

JIMMY

 Well okay then we’ll go with ‘Doctor Heart Throb’ and 'The Blair Witch', what a quiz this is shaping up to be.

JONATHAN

 Well you know what I’m a bit concerned, shall I tell you why? Because look where you've put us. You’ve put the only sexually attractive young lady, well the only young lady full stop and she happens to be very attractive as well near two of the best known cock’s men of the business.

NOEL

 Yeah what is this teaming? Who did this?

JIMMY

 That would be the producers.

JONATHAN

 Oh I see what we've got here. See look already their spinning on their chair’s so I’m gonna insist as a kind of uncle figure in Christina’s life that she moves over there, because that’s obviously a sexless zone.

NOEL

 Wait no no, why are you movin' away... (the audience laughs)

CHRISTINA

 (sitting back down) I've come to an impasse...

JONATHAN

 Also not only as an awkward protective uncle but also as a studious quiz taker if they're next to each other they're gonna be giving each other answers! (NOEL and CHRISTINA pretend to whisper answers to each other)

JIMMY

 Are you suggesting that we switch up the teams? I'm okay if everyone else is. (the audience claps in appreciation)

RUSSEL

 Now hang on a minute. What if I don't want to lose Noel here to some frivolous attempt at atonement? WE ARE THE GOTH DETECTIVES!

NOEL

Yeah but I like her. (the audience laughs as does CHRISTINA)

ROB

 Oh for Christ's sake. (getting up he switches the name tags so that it's Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand and Noel Fielding and Christina Essenelle)

JIMMY

 Everybody say ‘awww'. (the audience awes). Well I'm glad today the love doctor is in fact in session. (the audience laughs) Well now we need to redo team named! Okay, now Jonathan and Russell do you have a pub quiz team name?

RUSSEL

 I'm seriously offended Noel. I thought we were pals, all those late nights together for nothing, this hurts! Real bad.

NOEL

Hey you left me for Katy! (audience laughs)

RUSSEL

 ...this is true. 

JONATHAN

 We'll be the Bavaria Brothers.

JIMMY

 Any reason as to why?

JONATHAN

 Not in the slightest. (the audience laughs) 

JIMMY

 At least he's honest. Noel and Christina any ideas?

NOEL

 (to CHRISTINA) We'll say one word at the same time and that'll be our name, alright? 

CHRISTINA

 Ready? 1...2...3!

NOEL

 PARADOX! 

CHRISTINA

(awkwardly trying to quickly think of two words together she spews out the first thing that comes to her head)...kitten soup...!

NOEL AND CHRISTINA

 This is an apparent contradiction! (they point to each other and scream and the crowd cheers even louder) 

CHRISTINA

 (at the same time) I think I'm in love-

NOEL

 (at the same time) I love you- (jokingly NOEL and CHRISTINA jump under the desk making several loud animal noises and moans. The crowd goes wild as they come back up laughing) 

JIMMY

 ...Paradox! Alright let’s crack on shall we? (I'm mainly going to be doing the answers not so much the questions) Alright I'm not going to leave you in suspense I'm going to give you the answers to January and February's questions right away, so first question _______________________________________? What've you all got, Rob and David?

~

JIMMY

 Coke babies from the sewer? 

NOEL

 What!

 JIMMY

 What I find interesting is that Noel is surprised by this answer even though he helped write it. (the audience laughs)

 NOEL

 No, she said she knew the answer, I'm taking the pen away you're awful! 

CHRISTINA

 Oh I'm so sorry the answer of "I dunno let's draw an elephant with a hat" was less wrong than coke babies from the sewer. WHICH WAS IN RESPONSE to a drug question...so...!

NOEL

 We're on the same team!

CHRISTINA

You're right (she does a stage kiss) All better!

NOEL

 I didn't want a stage kiss you liar! (she and the audience laugh)

~

JIMMY

 So what have you put?

CHRISTINA

(she mouths 'watch this' and CHRISTINA gets up and does an interpretive dance around JIMMY and NOEL and she then sticks her tongue out at NOEL and it touches his nose and he giggles)

JONATHAN

 Do you understand why I wanted her away from him!

RUSSEL

OH LET ME HAVE A GO!

JIMMY

 Now now Russell we can’t all be licked by Christina…only Julian Casablancas, Andy Samberg, Jimmy Fallon, Cillian Murphy, Matthew Goode, Nick Valensi, Jesse Eisenberg, Justin Timberlake, Tyson Ritter, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew Damon, Jeffrey Donovan, Michael Cera, and Noel Fielding can have that privilege. (the audience laughs in hysterics)

CHRISTINA

 (clearly embarrassed she laughs and shakes her head) Hey at least I had sex before I was 26 Christian boy! (the audience laughs even harder and JIMMY laughs slowly slamming his head on his desk)

~

JIMMY

 And what've you got there? 

CHRISTINA

 Well I started to write Osama Bin Laden but then Noel bit my ear and I laughed and dropped the pen and I dunno where it went. 

JIMMY

 Down the gap I'm sure.

NOEL

 There was a gap! Honest!

CHRISTINA

 (going under the table she shouts) OH AND WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS! 

JIMMY

 You've found your pen?

CHRISTINA

 (coming back up) No but I did find a letter.

NOEL

 Whaaaaaaaat.

JIMMY

 A letter? What does it say? (leaving his podium)

CHRISTINA

 It says, H! 

NOEL

 Why the fuck is this here....

RUSSEL

 Jimmy she's taking all the fun off of me!!

JIMMY

 Down boy down!

~

CHRISTINA

 Jimmy give us a point...please? I'll give you some of this (pointing to her body) later...!

JIMMY

 (jokingly) Oh please you're nothing to scream about.

RUSSEL

 (CHRISTINA's mouth turns into a sour frown and NOEL brings her into a hug and kisses her forehead, the crowd awes) Hey now you take that back!

JONATHAN

 Jimmy! I'm astonished at you!

NOEL

 You've gone and made her cry...(the audience awes in sadness)

JIMMY

 Don't awe! I was joking!

DAVID

 Does she look like she's laughing, Jimmy? (DAVID gets up and hugs her as well causing RUSSEL, ROB, and JONATHAN go to hug her as well) 

JIMMY

 Well folks, sarcasm kills doesn't it? (the boys go back to their seats and CHRISTINA sits on NOEL's lap with a frown plastered onto her face while he swivels his chair so that his back is to JIMMY. The crowd jeers)

RUSSEL

 Guy Goma wouldn't have said that. (they all laugh and everyone regains position)

JIMMY

 My sincerest apologies Christina I did not mean it.

CHRISTINA

 Yeah well...next question better be worth 20 points.

ROB

 No! No! We are NOT starting that up again!

NOEL

 Jimmy, you have offended lovely Christina. I think she at least deserves 20...possibly 30 points. (the crowd laughs and cheers)

JIMMY

 Yeah I'm not THAT sorry.

~

JIMMY

 So what'd you two get? (NOEL is whispering in CHRISTINA's ear and she laughs and whispers back to him)

ROB

 OH WILL YOU TWO JUST SHAG ALREADY. (the crowd jeers loudly)

NOEL

 I'm sorry I can't here you over the brilliant conversation we're having.

CHRISTINA

 (they whisper at each other again then CHRISTINA laughs) No I will NOT say that about Jimmy, that's racist! (the crowd laughs)

JIMMY

 I'm curious Noel; just what did you say about my race? (the crowd laughs harder)

NOEL

 (smiling widely) I thought we were taking a quiz what're we stopping for...

~

JIMMY

 And finally...let's check our final scores. This is a nail biter everyone. And I see we are not allowed to see the scores (the crowd laughs).

ROB

 Oh give up will you you've lost!

CHRISTINA

 NO! I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR POINTS!

JIMMY

 (smiling evilly to the camera) Anything?

CHRISTINA

 (smiling innocently at JIMMY) Yes anything! (the crowd laughs)

JIMMY

 (laughing) I want to and don't at the same time!

DAVID

 Please don't, she's too innocent for this "anything" business. (the audience jeers)

NOEL

I'm not offering up our souls or anything but I'll do anything as well for points! (girls in the audience scream)

ROB

 Oh THIS should be good. 

JONATHAN

 Now wait just a minute, Christina what do you think they'll make you do?

CHRISTINA

 (holding NOEL's cape her smile doesn't fade) I don't know but I want to win like no other.

NOEL

 We're passionate! (NOEL grabs CHRISTINA's hand and the cape and helps her cover the scores)

JIMMY

 How many points do you want?

ROB

 You can't be serious about this!

DAVID

 Oh what is it with you! Come off it! It's a fucking fake game show, calm down! (the audience cheers loudly)

 ROB

 (quietly) ...fine.

RUSSELL

 If I may interject! I have some things Christina and Noel could do for points.

JIMMY

 (laughing) Oh this should be good!

RUSSELL

 Well, I was thinking-

JONATHAN

 Oh please let him have some sort of soul... (the audience laughs)

RUSSELL

 Alright! What if for 5 points-

NOEL

 FIVE POINTS!?

RUSSEL

 WAIT WAIT! I have MANY tasks. 

JIMMY

 Now I'm excited! Alright, let's hear the tasks first and then decide from there.

RUSSELL

 Well I was thinking we could do a Jeopardy sort of style and do a 5 pointer, a 10 pointer, a 20 pointer, and the grand daddy of the entire lot, a 30 pointer!

ROB

 I think I'll make the 30 pointer then... (the crowd laughs)

RUSSELL

 Alright Noel and Christina for five points-

JIMMY

 Wait, wait just a minute! Whisper them to my ear...you too Rob! (RUSSELL and ROB run over to JIMMY and whisper their 5 and 30 pointers) Alright give me the rest of them (RUSSELL tells him the rest and JIMMY seems content with the tasks) Alright sit down, I shall read out the tasks. It is MY game show!

RUSSELL

 If I may just trademark my-

JIMMY

 NO! Noel and Christina, Russell did this very cruelly where you have to answer the first question to get to the second. After the first it's really a crapshoot. You ready?

NOEL and CHRISTINA

 YES!

JIMMY

 Alright, it's a three part answer: for 5 points: How many steps are there to the top of the Empire State Building,  how many floors are in the Empire State Building and how much did the Empire State Building cost to build?

ROB

 Ha ha! Good luck on this one.

JIMMY

 It needs to be exactly right. EXACTLY right, I need all the numbers to be right.

CHRISTINA

 Oh my God I know this one.

DAVID

 Horse shit, no you don't!! (the audience laughs)

NOEL

 Write it down!

JIMMY

 And reveal your answers. (it reads "1,860; 102; 40,948,900” JIMMY looks up at the audience and nods his head) THAT IS CORRECT!

ROB

 WHAT!

JONATHAN

 WHAT!

RUSSEL

 HOW ON EARTH DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

CHRISTINA

 (NOEL grabs her in a bear hug) Well I mean come ON. That was easy. If it took 7 million man-hours and there are 6, 500 windows and it took 57,000 tons of steel to construct the rest is just easy if you know how much steel costs and how to multiply and divide windows by floors. (everyone looks at her in stunned silence) The Empire State Building is a nice pretty roof over your head when you're homeless. I would go there often and in the mean time check out all those little fun facts about the building...silly really that Russell would think I wouldn't know that...

ROB

 I must say that is impressive.

JIMMY

 (still shocked) ...alright I guess onto our 10 point task. Noel and Christina for 10 points you will crimp for us about marine biology. 

NOEL

 You're talking to a crimping legend here! 

CHRISTINA

 And a sketch-comedy connoisseur!

RUSSEL

 Yes but how much do you really know about fish? (the audience laughs)

NOEL

 Christina took Marine Biology in high school! Follow me lead.

CHRISTINA

 It's true, I know me my fishies. 

JIMMY

 3....2.....1....!

NOEL AND CHRISTINA

 Fish fish they're in the ocean fish fish don't you get my motion fish fish I like them wet now fish fish so don't fret now because we went to the land of ocean blue and caught us some marine animals too and there was a shark hiding in the pickle grass looking at us with his dorsally located eyes and I cried and almost died, but mainly cried from the fear in his eyes because there was a whale behind us. a whale behind us, a mysteceti whale, a mysteceti whale, it had a baleen so clean I deemed it to be the nicest whale of this entire tale. WHAT! 

JIMMY

 (the crowd goes wild with cheers and most of the audience stands to applaud. NOEL and CHRISTINA high five each other and sit on their desks with their legs crossed looking smug) I can promise you that won't be the look on your face when you hear the next task. 

NOEL

 Bring it Jimmy we can take your tasks!

JIMMY

 If you say so...for 20 points Noel and Christina have to strip down to knickers and pants. (the crowd goes insane with cheers and NOEL goes pink from embarrassment while CHRISTINA'S smile instantly fades and is now terrified)

CHRISTINA

 Now Jimmy...

JIMMY

 You said you wanted the points!

NOEL

 (already shirtless and is unbuttoning his pants) I CAN'T LOSE TO ROB YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. (he removes his trousers and shows everyone his black boxers)

JIMMY

 Thank God Noel wore pants today...

CHRISTINA

 Come on, I thought this was a family show...

JONATHAN

 Jimmy that's going a little far don't you think? 

DAVID

 I can only imagine what's on the 30 point card...

JIMMY

 We'll find out that and more, after the break!

NOEL

 (taking off his microphone he talks aside to CHRISTINA) You don't have to do anything you don't want to you know.

CHRISTINA

 (she does the same) I know but I want to win so badly...

NOEL

 Just think of this as a pool party then. 

CHRISTINA

 I suppose...I just don't want people to think badly of me. 

NOEL

 No one's going to think badly of you!

CHRISTINA

 Kids will!

NOEL

 Oh please its 11PM on a Friday and this will only air on BBC. 

CHRISTINA

 Still...

NOEL

 Christina, like I said, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. It's just a game! 

CHRISTINA

 (smiling) Gimme your cape. If I'm getting partially naked I'm going to be proud about it.

NOEL

 That's my girl. (they put back on their mics for the commercial is over)

JIMMY

 And we're back to The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2011 now Christina, task number 3 is worth 20 points are you going to do it? We all know Noel is more than ready to show his body off to the world... (the audience laughs)

CHRISTINA

 (standing up she is cloaked in NOEL's cape and she stands in the middle of the stage with her head down) I'm sorry Jimmy I just can't do this. (the audience sadly awes and NOEL pulls out a boom box) WITHOUT ANY MUSIC. (she flings the cape to the side and shows off her body to the audience who cheers and wolf whistles as she and NOEL dance like idiots center stage. JIMMY is laughing hysterically as JONATHAN and ROB shake their heads in disapproval as RUSSEL joins them. JIMMY turns the boom box off and pushes them to their seats. RUSSEL sits down in his knickers with his legs on the desk and CHRISTINA sits down in NOEL's seat and he in hers. She rests her head on NOEL's shoulder and the crowd awes again as he drapes an arm around her as they pant for air)

JIMMY

 Fortunately the 30 point task is easily doable now.

ROB

 My my shouldn't I be called the love doctor after this!

JIMMY

 For 30 points Noel and Christina would you dare to commence? Well this task is really only for Noel.

CHRISTINA

(exhausted) Thank God.

NOEL

 (still holding onto her) For me only?

RUSSEL

 Just read it!

JIMMY

 Alright..down boy down! For 30 points Noel Fielding; will you please kiss her already. (the crowd goes wild and CHRISTINA looks up to NOEL tiredly. NOEL shrugs blaming the audience for his obvious attraction to the young star [I didn't write this I swear])

NOEL

 We've already won in my book. 

CHRISTINA

 (smiling she rolls her eyes incredulously) You're incredible. 

JIMMY

 Well? (there is an awkward silence)

JONATHAN

 I think we've silenced the crack addict.

CHRISTINA

 Hey he's no crack addict.

ROB

 She's defending him!

JONATHAN

 This is the first action Rob'll see since his porn flick last night...

ROB

 Hey!...Don't talk about Pamela that way...(the audience laughs loudly)

JIMMY

 You two are deflecting from the task at hand.

DAVID

 Oh, don't make them do it if they're too awkward by it.

JONATHAN

 Yeah don't put em' on the spot like that. Come on Russell.

RUSSEL

 What did I do! I did not make this question, this quest. It was the work of young Robert over here! Boasting of his work with romance.

ROB

 Look they're so entranced they're not even listening.

CHRISTINA

 (she laughs then jokingly says) He’s in love!

JIMMY

 Prove it!

NOEL

 I am, and I will prove it! (NOEL grabs CHRISTINA'S neck and kisses her passionately on the lips. As her eyes close she is still frozen while the crowd awes and cheers in delight. They linger on for a moment longer and NOEL breaks the kiss leaving her aghast)

JIMMY

 Now that is what this show is all about.

ROB

 I did that, yeah. (the crowd laughs and CHRISTINA and NOEL are still gazing into each other's eyes saying nothing) 

JIMMY

 Now that we've stunned the paradoxes, the scores are third place Rob and David with 36 points. Second place we have....Jonathan and Russell with 39 points! And finally, with a score of 71 points it's NOEL FIELDING AND CHRISTINA ESSENELLE! (they both smile and jump in the air holding their hands together in union as they shout and cheer and confetti canyons spray the air. CHRISTINA looks up into the air and smiles as she closes her eyes basking in the moment. NOEL still holding onto her hand brings her up to the podium and they hold their trophy, hand-in-hand.) I'm Jimmy Carr, good night!