VOICE FROM BEHIND ME
Well, well, well ditched me for Levitt, yeah?
CHRISTINA
(turning around) NOEL! (she smiles and leaps into his arms) Are you back for good?
NOEL
(she releases him) For now at least. How are you you little bumpalow? I've missed you!
CHRISTINA
I've missed you too, how's your new show?
NOEL
It's really cool, I mean nothing compared to the boosh but it's a trip and I really like it, can I come over and have lunch with you?
CHRISTINA
Sure, God knows who's there. There's always someone living in my apartment at one time or another.
Which is totally true by the way. Someone is always in my apartment because it's usually open. Ah well I'm sure that will bite me in the butt later. So Noel came over to my room and we made mac-n-cheese with bits of bacon. Noel tried to glue eyes to the bacon and make them fight (I have a craft closet so googly eyes are not an uncommon item in my room) but I snatched them away before he could get to them. It was nice, I truly have missed Noel. He let me live with him when I thought the world, even Jules, hated me. He protected me when I thought people were trying to hunt me down. And for that I am eternally grateful to Sir Noel Fielding. After he left I was rewatching our Big Fat Quiz of the Year episode and I couldn't stop laughing, that was so much fun to do. The ending was of course....hold up. I just have word that I DIDN'T POST A TRANSCRIPT TO BIG FAT QUIZ OF THE YEAR 2011.
WHO AM I ANYMORE?? Sorry about that folks, that was during my sad time.
JIMMY
Hello I’m Jimmy Carr and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2011. Basically, I’m going to be asking you questions about 2011, and if you don't know how the show works, may God help you all. Let’s meet our teams: Team one, a pair of awkward quirky nerds who have been giving me the eye all night... it's Rob Brydon and David Tennant! ... Team Two: She’s the daring, sexy, and witty SNL star and he’s a raddled 72 year old running on comedy. Yes its Christina Essenelle and Jonathan Ross! ... And defending their title after 2006's triumph they're back, and by the look of them they’ve been celebrating ever since. It’s the Goth Detective’s: Noel Fielding and Russell Brand! ... So I’m presuming you’ve all come up with some pub quiz team names. Rob and David what have you got?
DAVID
Well, we were thinking of going with ‘Doctor Heart Throb'. We feel we’re the more respectable team, yet at the same time behind our respectable exterior there’s a desperate lust for power. Also I play Doctor Who...and he's Rob. Doctor Heart Throb it is!
ROB
And at this stage in the contest we can promise results, without having to follow through and provide results so we will have results and we will see a victory, David and I tonight of that we are confidant.
DAVID
You can also come to us for tedious and obvious satire at any point in the evening.
JIMMY
I will bare that in mind, Jonathan and Christina, do you have a pub quiz team name?
CHRISTINA
Well just by judging Jonathan new beard and my new hair...I'm going to go with...(obviously trying to think of something) ...Blair...Witch.
JONATHAN
I love how she correlates things. Hm, hair and hair. That goes PERFECTLY with the Blair Witch Project.
CHRISTINA
Well since we're a team we actually thought that one through for a while.
JIMMY
Well okay then we’ll go with ‘Doctor Heart Throb’ and 'The Blair Witch', what a quiz this is shaping up to be.
JONATHAN
Well you know what I’m a bit concerned, shall I tell you why? Because look where you've put us. You’ve put the only sexually attractive young lady, well the only young lady full stop and she happens to be very attractive as well near two of the best known cock’s men of the business.
NOEL
Yeah what is this teaming? Who did this?
JIMMY
That would be the producers.
JONATHAN
Oh I see what we've got here. See look already their spinning on their chair’s so I’m gonna insist as a kind of uncle figure in Christina’s life that she moves over there, because that’s obviously a sexless zone.
NOEL
Wait no no, why are you movin' away... (the audience laughs)
CHRISTINA
(sitting back down) I've come to an impasse...
JONATHAN
Also not only as an awkward protective uncle but also as a studious quiz taker if they're next to each other they're gonna be giving each other answers! (NOEL and CHRISTINA pretend to whisper answers to each other)
JIMMY
Are you suggesting that we switch up the teams? I'm okay if everyone else is. (the audience claps in appreciation)
RUSSEL
Now hang on a minute. What if I don't want to lose Noel here to some frivolous attempt at atonement? WE ARE THE GOTH DETECTIVES!
NOEL
Yeah but I like her. (the audience laughs as does CHRISTINA)
ROB
Oh for Christ's sake. (getting up he switches the name tags so that it's Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand and Noel Fielding and Christina Essenelle)
JIMMY
Everybody say ‘awww'. (the audience awes). Well I'm glad today the love doctor is in fact in session. (the audience laughs) Well now we need to redo team named! Okay, now Jonathan and Russell do you have a pub quiz team name?
RUSSEL
I'm seriously offended Noel. I thought we were pals, all those late nights together for nothing, this hurts! Real bad.
NOEL
Hey you left me for Katy! (audience laughs)
RUSSEL
...this is true.
JONATHAN
We'll be the Bavaria Brothers.
JIMMY
Any reason as to why?
JONATHAN
Not in the slightest. (the audience laughs)
JIMMY
At least he's honest. Noel and Christina any ideas?
NOEL
(to CHRISTINA) We'll say one word at the same time and that'll be our name, alright?
CHRISTINA
Ready? 1...2...3!
NOEL
PARADOX!
CHRISTINA
(awkwardly trying to quickly think of two words together she spews out the first thing that comes to her head)...kitten soup...!
NOEL AND CHRISTINA
This is an apparent contradiction! (they point to each other and scream and the crowd cheers even louder)
CHRISTINA
(at the same time) I think I'm in love-
NOEL
(at the same time) I love you- (jokingly NOEL and CHRISTINA jump under the desk making several loud animal noises and moans. The crowd goes wild as they come back up laughing)
JIMMY
...Paradox! Alright let’s crack on shall we? (I'm mainly going to be doing the answers not so much the questions) Alright I'm not going to leave you in suspense I'm going to give you the answers to January and February's questions right away, so first question ______________________________
~
JIMMY
Coke babies from the sewer?
NOEL
What!
JIMMY
What I find interesting is that Noel is surprised by this answer even though he helped write it. (the audience laughs)
NOEL
No, she said she knew the answer, I'm taking the pen away you're awful!
CHRISTINA
Oh I'm so sorry the answer of "I dunno let's draw an elephant with a hat" was less wrong than coke babies from the sewer. WHICH WAS IN RESPONSE to a drug question...so...!
NOEL
We're on the same team!
CHRISTINA
You're right (she does a stage kiss) All better!
NOEL
I didn't want a stage kiss you liar! (she and the audience laugh)
~
JIMMY
So what have you put?
CHRISTINA
(she mouths 'watch this' and CHRISTINA gets up and does an interpretive dance around JIMMY and NOEL and she then sticks her tongue out at NOEL and it touches his nose and he giggles)
JONATHAN
Do you understand why I wanted her away from him!
RUSSEL
OH LET ME HAVE A GO!
JIMMY
Now now Russell we can’t all be licked by Christina…only Julian Casablancas, Andy Samberg, Jimmy Fallon, Cillian Murphy, Matthew Goode, Nick Valensi, Jesse Eisenberg, Justin Timberlake, Tyson Ritter, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew Damon, Jeffrey Donovan, Michael Cera, and Noel Fielding can have that privilege. (the audience laughs in hysterics)
CHRISTINA
(clearly embarrassed she laughs and shakes her head) Hey at least I had sex before I was 26 Christian boy! (the audience laughs even harder and JIMMY laughs slowly slamming his head on his desk)
~
JIMMY
And what've you got there?
CHRISTINA
Well I started to write Osama Bin Laden but then Noel bit my ear and I laughed and dropped the pen and I dunno where it went.
JIMMY
Down the gap I'm sure.
NOEL
There was a gap! Honest!
CHRISTINA
(going under the table she shouts) OH AND WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS!
JIMMY
You've found your pen?
CHRISTINA
(coming back up) No but I did find a letter.
NOEL
Whaaaaaaaat.
JIMMY
A letter? What does it say? (leaving his podium)
CHRISTINA
It says, H!
NOEL
Why the fuck is this here....
RUSSEL
Jimmy she's taking all the fun off of me!!
JIMMY
Down boy down!
~
CHRISTINA
Jimmy give us a point...please? I'll give you some of this (pointing to her body) later...!
JIMMY
(jokingly) Oh please you're nothing to scream about.
RUSSEL
(CHRISTINA's mouth turns into a sour frown and NOEL brings her into a hug and kisses her forehead, the crowd awes) Hey now you take that back!
JONATHAN
Jimmy! I'm astonished at you!
NOEL
You've gone and made her cry...(the audience awes in sadness)
JIMMY
Don't awe! I was joking!
DAVID
Does she look like she's laughing, Jimmy? (DAVID gets up and hugs her as well causing RUSSEL, ROB, and JONATHAN go to hug her as well)
JIMMY
Well folks, sarcasm kills doesn't it? (the boys go back to their seats and CHRISTINA sits on NOEL's lap with a frown plastered onto her face while he swivels his chair so that his back is to JIMMY. The crowd jeers)
RUSSEL
Guy Goma wouldn't have said that. (they all laugh and everyone regains position)
JIMMY
My sincerest apologies Christina I did not mean it.
CHRISTINA
Yeah well...next question better be worth 20 points.
ROB
No! No! We are NOT starting that up again!
NOEL
Jimmy, you have offended lovely Christina. I think she at least deserves 20...possibly 30 points. (the crowd laughs and cheers)
JIMMY
Yeah I'm not THAT sorry.
~
JIMMY
So what'd you two get? (NOEL is whispering in CHRISTINA's ear and she laughs and whispers back to him)
ROB
OH WILL YOU TWO JUST SHAG ALREADY. (the crowd jeers loudly)
NOEL
I'm sorry I can't here you over the brilliant conversation we're having.
CHRISTINA
(they whisper at each other again then CHRISTINA laughs) No I will NOT say that about Jimmy, that's racist! (the crowd laughs)
JIMMY
I'm curious Noel; just what did you say about my race? (the crowd laughs harder)
NOEL
(smiling widely) I thought we were taking a quiz what're we stopping for...
~
JIMMY
And finally...let's check our final scores. This is a nail biter everyone. And I see we are not allowed to see the scores (the crowd laughs).
ROB
Oh give up will you you've lost!
CHRISTINA
NO! I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR POINTS!
JIMMY
(smiling evilly to the camera) Anything?
CHRISTINA
(smiling innocently at JIMMY) Yes anything! (the crowd laughs)
JIMMY
(laughing) I want to and don't at the same time!
DAVID
Please don't, she's too innocent for this "anything" business. (the audience jeers)
NOEL
I'm not offering up our souls or anything but I'll do anything as well for points! (girls in the audience scream)
ROB
Oh THIS should be good.
JONATHAN
Now wait just a minute, Christina what do you think they'll make you do?
CHRISTINA
(holding NOEL's cape her smile doesn't fade) I don't know but I want to win like no other.
NOEL
We're passionate! (NOEL grabs CHRISTINA's hand and the cape and helps her cover the scores)
JIMMY
How many points do you want?
ROB
You can't be serious about this!
DAVID
Oh what is it with you! Come off it! It's a fucking fake game show, calm down! (the audience cheers loudly)
ROB
(quietly) ...fine.
RUSSELL
If I may interject! I have some things Christina and Noel could do for points.
JIMMY
(laughing) Oh this should be good!
RUSSELL
Well, I was thinking-
JONATHAN
Oh please let him have some sort of soul... (the audience laughs)
RUSSELL
Alright! What if for 5 points-
NOEL
FIVE POINTS!?
RUSSEL
WAIT WAIT! I have MANY tasks.
JIMMY
Now I'm excited! Alright, let's hear the tasks first and then decide from there.
RUSSELL
Well I was thinking we could do a Jeopardy sort of style and do a 5 pointer, a 10 pointer, a 20 pointer, and the grand daddy of the entire lot, a 30 pointer!
ROB
I think I'll make the 30 pointer then... (the crowd laughs)
RUSSELL
Alright Noel and Christina for five points-
JIMMY
Wait, wait just a minute! Whisper them to my ear...you too Rob! (RUSSELL and ROB run over to JIMMY and whisper their 5 and 30 pointers) Alright give me the rest of them (RUSSELL tells him the rest and JIMMY seems content with the tasks) Alright sit down, I shall read out the tasks. It is MY game show!
RUSSELL
If I may just trademark my-
JIMMY
NO! Noel and Christina, Russell did this very cruelly where you have to answer the first question to get to the second. After the first it's really a crapshoot. You ready?
NOEL and CHRISTINA
YES!
JIMMY
Alright, it's a three part answer: for 5 points: How many steps are there to the top of the Empire State Building, how many floors are in the Empire State Building and how much did the Empire State Building cost to build?
ROB
Ha ha! Good luck on this one.
JIMMY
It needs to be exactly right. EXACTLY right, I need all the numbers to be right.
CHRISTINA
Oh my God I know this one.
DAVID
Horse shit, no you don't!! (the audience laughs)
NOEL
Write it down!
JIMMY
And reveal your answers. (it reads "1,860; 102; 40,948,900” JIMMY looks up at the audience and nods his head) THAT IS CORRECT!
ROB
WHAT!
JONATHAN
WHAT!
RUSSEL
HOW ON EARTH DID YOU KNOW THAT?!
CHRISTINA
(NOEL grabs her in a bear hug) Well I mean come ON. That was easy. If it took 7 million man-hours and there are 6, 500 windows and it took 57,000 tons of steel to construct the rest is just easy if you know how much steel costs and how to multiply and divide windows by floors. (everyone looks at her in stunned silence) The Empire State Building is a nice pretty roof over your head when you're homeless. I would go there often and in the mean time check out all those little fun facts about the building...silly really that Russell would think I wouldn't know that...
ROB
I must say that is impressive.
JIMMY
(still shocked) ...alright I guess onto our 10 point task. Noel and Christina for 10 points you will crimp for us about marine biology.
NOEL
You're talking to a crimping legend here!
CHRISTINA
And a sketch-comedy connoisseur!
RUSSEL
Yes but how much do you really know about fish? (the audience laughs)
NOEL
Christina took Marine Biology in high school! Follow me lead.
CHRISTINA
It's true, I know me my fishies.
JIMMY
3....2.....1....!
NOEL AND CHRISTINA
Fish fish they're in the ocean fish fish don't you get my motion fish fish I like them wet now fish fish so don't fret now because we went to the land of ocean blue and caught us some marine animals too and there was a shark hiding in the pickle grass looking at us with his dorsally located eyes and I cried and almost died, but mainly cried from the fear in his eyes because there was a whale behind us. a whale behind us, a mysteceti whale, a mysteceti whale, it had a baleen so clean I deemed it to be the nicest whale of this entire tale. WHAT!
JIMMY
(the crowd goes wild with cheers and most of the audience stands to applaud. NOEL and CHRISTINA high five each other and sit on their desks with their legs crossed looking smug) I can promise you that won't be the look on your face when you hear the next task.
NOEL
Bring it Jimmy we can take your tasks!
JIMMY
If you say so...for 20 points Noel and Christina have to strip down to knickers and pants. (the crowd goes insane with cheers and NOEL goes pink from embarrassment while CHRISTINA'S smile instantly fades and is now terrified)
CHRISTINA
Now Jimmy...
JIMMY
You said you wanted the points!
NOEL
(already shirtless and is unbuttoning his pants) I CAN'T LOSE TO ROB YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. (he removes his trousers and shows everyone his black boxers)
JIMMY
Thank God Noel wore pants today...
CHRISTINA
Come on, I thought this was a family show...
JONATHAN
Jimmy that's going a little far don't you think?
DAVID
I can only imagine what's on the 30 point card...
JIMMY
We'll find out that and more, after the break!
NOEL
(taking off his microphone he talks aside to CHRISTINA) You don't have to do anything you don't want to you know.
CHRISTINA
(she does the same) I know but I want to win so badly...
NOEL
Just think of this as a pool party then.
CHRISTINA
I suppose...I just don't want people to think badly of me.
NOEL
No one's going to think badly of you!
CHRISTINA
Kids will!
NOEL
Oh please its 11PM on a Friday and this will only air on BBC.
CHRISTINA
Still...
NOEL
Christina, like I said, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. It's just a game!
CHRISTINA
(smiling) Gimme your cape. If I'm getting partially naked I'm going to be proud about it.
NOEL
That's my girl. (they put back on their mics for the commercial is over)
JIMMY
And we're back to The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2011 now Christina, task number 3 is worth 20 points are you going to do it? We all know Noel is more than ready to show his body off to the world... (the audience laughs)
CHRISTINA
(standing up she is cloaked in NOEL's cape and she stands in the middle of the stage with her head down) I'm sorry Jimmy I just can't do this. (the audience sadly awes and NOEL pulls out a boom box) WITHOUT ANY MUSIC. (she flings the cape to the side and shows off her body to the audience who cheers and wolf whistles as she and NOEL dance like idiots center stage. JIMMY is laughing hysterically as JONATHAN and ROB shake their heads in disapproval as RUSSEL joins them. JIMMY turns the boom box off and pushes them to their seats. RUSSEL sits down in his knickers with his legs on the desk and CHRISTINA sits down in NOEL's seat and he in hers. She rests her head on NOEL's shoulder and the crowd awes again as he drapes an arm around her as they pant for air)
JIMMY
Fortunately the 30 point task is easily doable now.
ROB
My my shouldn't I be called the love doctor after this!
JIMMY
For 30 points Noel and Christina would you dare to commence? Well this task is really only for Noel.
CHRISTINA
(exhausted) Thank God.
NOEL
(still holding onto her) For me only?
RUSSEL
Just read it!
JIMMY
Alright..down boy down! For 30 points Noel Fielding; will you please kiss her already. (the crowd goes wild and CHRISTINA looks up to NOEL tiredly. NOEL shrugs blaming the audience for his obvious attraction to the young star [I didn't write this I swear])
NOEL
We've already won in my book.
CHRISTINA
(smiling she rolls her eyes incredulously) You're incredible.
JIMMY
Well? (there is an awkward silence)
JONATHAN
I think we've silenced the crack addict.
CHRISTINA
Hey he's no crack addict.
ROB
She's defending him!
JONATHAN
This is the first action Rob'll see since his porn flick last night...
ROB
Hey!...Don't talk about Pamela that way...(the audience laughs loudly)
JIMMY
You two are deflecting from the task at hand.
DAVID
Oh, don't make them do it if they're too awkward by it.
JONATHAN
Yeah don't put em' on the spot like that. Come on Russell.
RUSSEL
What did I do! I did not make this question, this quest. It was the work of young Robert over here! Boasting of his work with romance.
ROB
Look they're so entranced they're not even listening.
CHRISTINA
(she laughs then jokingly says) He’s in love!
JIMMY
Prove it!
NOEL
I am, and I will prove it! (NOEL grabs CHRISTINA'S neck and kisses her passionately on the lips. As her eyes close she is still frozen while the crowd awes and cheers in delight. They linger on for a moment longer and NOEL breaks the kiss leaving her aghast)
JIMMY
Now that is what this show is all about.
ROB
I did that, yeah. (the crowd laughs and CHRISTINA and NOEL are still gazing into each other's eyes saying nothing)
JIMMY
Now that we've stunned the paradoxes, the scores are third place Rob and David with 36 points. Second place we have....Jonathan and Russell with 39 points! And finally, with a score of 71 points it's NOEL FIELDING AND CHRISTINA ESSENELLE! (they both smile and jump in the air holding their hands together in union as they shout and cheer and confetti canyons spray the air. CHRISTINA looks up into the air and smiles as she closes her eyes basking in the moment. NOEL still holding onto her hand brings her up to the podium and they hold their trophy, hand-in-hand.) I'm Jimmy Carr, good night!
