CHRISTINA
Hey!
BRADLEY
(to JEN) Well then why did you even invite me?
ELLIE
Guys come on!
CHRISTINA
Hello?
JEN
I don't know maybe I just thought you weren't as much of an asshole as I last remembered!
BRADLEY
Oh, yeah?
CHRISTINA
GUYS!
BRADLEY
(turning to CHRISTINA) WHAT! (he recognizes CHRISTINA)Oh hey Christina.
CHRISTINA
(pauses) Get out.
JEN
What?
CHRISTINA
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
BRADLEY
(stepping forward, he puts his hands in the air) Christina, we were just-
CHRISTINA
No, I know! Boo-hoo he doesn't like you, you don't like him either. Who cares! NOW GET OUT!
JEN
But-
CHRISTINA
(angrily) I want you to think long and hard right now about how fucking good of an actress I am and then think about screaming in my house! (she smiles at them, they are shocked but then start to smile too, CHRISTINA quietly) You bitches.
JASON
(he comes forward and high fives CHRISTINA, then hugs her) That was fucking awesome.
BRADLEY
(smiling and shaking his head, CHRISTINA steps forward to him) You devil. (they hug tightly and CHRISTINA turns to JEN)
JEN
You are such a bitch. (CHRISTINA laughs and hugs her)
CHRISTINA
And poor Ellie had to try and stop you morons! (CHRISTINA hugs ELLIE)
PAUL
Hey kiddo (CHRISTINA hugs PAUL)
CHRISTINA
Did you fly out here? I thought you were in New York this summer.
PAUL
No I am in New York I flew out here for the week. Cause I love ya. (CHRISTINA's jaw drops and she walks over to her kitchen cupboard and pulls out a handle of bourbon)
CHRISTINA
You're getting wasted first. (everyone laughs)
JEN
Well I not only rounded you all up because Christina's got a new house and we need to break it in, but because that fateful night we played Jenstinalie Jasaulad we all became freakishly connected, and we have to stick together.
ED
(puts his hand on CHRISTINA's shoulder) And when one of us needs the others we must reassemble and get black out drunk.
PAUL
Oh and make terrible decisions.
CHRISTINA
(blushing) You guys...
ELLIE
So let's get this party started!
The Pregame Wine and Cheese
Reception
CHRISTINA
(holding up her bottle of wine) May the lord be with you all.
JASON
(holding up his wine to CHRISTINA's) Ah, and also with you.
JEN
May all of us not pull an Ellie.
ELLIE
And I hope to not as well.
ED
Same teams?
BRADLEY
Why do you think we should switch them up?
PAUL
Let's do it like we did last time, that way it's up to the drinking gods to determine whether the teams are switched.
JEN
A true poet. On the count of three!
EVERYONE
One...two...three! (everyone puts up a different amount of fingers to their forehead, JASON has three, ELLIE has five, ED has four, BRADLEY has three, JEN has four, CHRISTINA has four, PAUL has four)
PAUL
Wait...
JEN
Do it again folks. (JASON puts up a four, ELLIE a two, ED a five, BRADLEY a four, JEN a three, CHRISTINA a one, and PAUL a four)
JASON
Okay I know we need to redo this again but Bradley and I have to be on a team together.
BRADLEY
If the universe says so.
ELLIE
Okay fine you two are out, the rest of us do it again.
CHRISTINA
It's so much easier on TV...
ED
Okay, one, two, three! (ELLIE puts up a one, ED a five, JEN a one, CHRISTINA a three, and PAUL a five)
ED
Success!
CHRISTINA
(holding up her three fingers) Uh, hello?!
JASON
You can be on our team, there's always gonna be a team of three.
BRADLEY
Dream team back together!
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA high fives JASON and BRADLEY) So, Jen and Ellie and Paul and Ed...get ready to rumble folks. Cause that timer is long gone. (JEN is the first one to chug her wine and smash the glass on the floor and everyone else follows suite while JEN is screaming at everyone while they finish their wine)
LEVEL 1 (MIND)
Trivia, Puzzles and Artistry
Trivia, Puzzles and Artistry
CHRISTINA
Paul is supposed to get the drunkest tonight so, Paul, you may go first.
PAUL
(he picks up a card from the trivia pile) How do you spell Zach from the Hangover's last name?
BRADLEY
No way!
ED
Paul I swear to God if you don't get this...
PAUL
Are you kidding me? His name is impossible to spell!
CHRISTINA
I know how to spell it.
PAUL
Ok ok, uh...G-A-L-I-F-I-N-A-K-I-S?
BRADLEY
Nope!
PAUL
Goddammit.
ED
Agh!
CHRISTINA
Drink mother lickers. My turn. My house. (she picks up a trivia card) What does NASA stand for? Oh Jesus I don't fucking know...
JASON
Guess!
CHRISTINA
Fuck...Uhm...is it national aeronautic space association?
ELLIE
Ohhhh so close!
CHRISTINA
What was it?
ELLIE
National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
CHRISTINA
Oh we're splitting hairs over administration and association!
BRADLEY
They're practically the same thing!
JEN
You do realize this is a drinking game right?
CHRISTINA
Oh no, don't torture me over this wine...(everyone laughs)
JEN
My turn! (she takes a card) Ooh artistry! Show me impressionistic art. I'll decide which is better...who wrote this one?
PAUL
Oh man that's mine.
JEN
Great. (JEN takes a green, blue, and red sharpie from CHRISTINA's drawer and draws several messy flowers on her leg) Beautiful, no?
PAUL
(ED whispers in PAUL's ear) No. (everyone but JEN and ELLIE laugh, JEN sticks her tongue out at PAUL before drinking her wine)
ED
Let's see what daddy's gonna get-(he picks up a card) Oh easy, pass me that pencil. (CHRISTINA hands him a pencil and he completes a maze on the card) Round of applause to Ed for getting....the first card!
CHRISTINA
Booooo...
BRADLEY
If I may Jason... (reaches over JASON and picks up a card) A man rides in on Friday stays for two days and then leaves on Friday. HOW?
JASON
Ah this one's mine!
BRADLEY
Thankfully I've heard this one before (he slams the card down on the floor) THAT HORSES'S NAME WAS FRIDAY.
CHRISTINA
CHA-CHING!
PAUL
We have a card too...
JASON
Hell fucking yeah! One card to go.
ELLIE
I can't wait until you guys have to chug all of your alcohol when the no cursing rule comes into effect.
JEN
(puts her hand on ELLIE's shoulder) Soon we will conquer.
ELLIE
(picks up a card) Yes another maze!
CHRISTINA
I knew I shouldn't have drawn a maze...
ELLIE
(throws the card down and throws her fists in the air-she finished the maze) NOW WE ALL TIED UP... BITCHES!
PAUL
Alright alright, let's see who gets in the lead first. (takes a card) What's the greatest band in the world?
ED
Oh come on!
JEN
(laughing hysterically) Well!
PAUL
Christ...uh, AC/DC?
JEN
Chumba Wumba idiot, JASON?
JASON
(slightly frightened, he picks up a card as PAUL drinks his wine) Who's hosted SNL the most? Oh thanks Essenelle.
CHRISTINA
This is easy.
JASON
You're right, Alec Baldwin!
ELLIE
(CHRISTINA looks at her phone to double-check) You don't know off the top of your head?
CHRISTINA
It's either Alec Baldwin or Steve Martin, they keep switching off...Steve Martin 15 times...Alec Baldwin 16!
BRADLEY
(pumping a fist in the air) YES!
JASON
DREAM TEAM!
CHRISTINA
HA HA! DREAM TEAM!!!
PAUL
Oh man that's mine.
JEN
Great. (JEN takes a green, blue, and red sharpie from CHRISTINA's drawer and draws several messy flowers on her leg) Beautiful, no?
PAUL
(ED whispers in PAUL's ear) No. (everyone but JEN and ELLIE laugh, JEN sticks her tongue out at PAUL before drinking her wine)
ED
Let's see what daddy's gonna get-(he picks up a card) Oh easy, pass me that pencil. (CHRISTINA hands him a pencil and he completes a maze on the card) Round of applause to Ed for getting....the first card!
CHRISTINA
Booooo...
BRADLEY
If I may Jason... (reaches over JASON and picks up a card) A man rides in on Friday stays for two days and then leaves on Friday. HOW?
JASON
Ah this one's mine!
BRADLEY
Thankfully I've heard this one before (he slams the card down on the floor) THAT HORSES'S NAME WAS FRIDAY.
CHRISTINA
CHA-CHING!
PAUL
We have a card too...
JASON
Hell fucking yeah! One card to go.
ELLIE
I can't wait until you guys have to chug all of your alcohol when the no cursing rule comes into effect.
JEN
(puts her hand on ELLIE's shoulder) Soon we will conquer.
ELLIE
(picks up a card) Yes another maze!
CHRISTINA
I knew I shouldn't have drawn a maze...
ELLIE
(throws the card down and throws her fists in the air-she finished the maze) NOW WE ALL TIED UP... BITCHES!
PAUL
Alright alright, let's see who gets in the lead first. (takes a card) What's the greatest band in the world?
ED
Oh come on!
JEN
(laughing hysterically) Well!
PAUL
Christ...uh, AC/DC?
JEN
Chumba Wumba idiot, JASON?
JASON
(slightly frightened, he picks up a card as PAUL drinks his wine) Who's hosted SNL the most? Oh thanks Essenelle.
CHRISTINA
This is easy.
JASON
You're right, Alec Baldwin!
ELLIE
(CHRISTINA looks at her phone to double-check) You don't know off the top of your head?
CHRISTINA
It's either Alec Baldwin or Steve Martin, they keep switching off...Steve Martin 15 times...Alec Baldwin 16!
BRADLEY
(pumping a fist in the air) YES!
JASON
DREAM TEAM!
CHRISTINA
HA HA! DREAM TEAM!!!
The Pre-Level 2 Break
JEN
(nearly
breaking her wine glass with her death grip) I am ever so pleased to be
watching you, yet again, move forward first...
BRADLEY
Why thank you
Jennifer, it's nice to hear you say such nice and kind words.
JASON
(in a British
accent) True dat.
ELLIE
I must say,
other than this wine I'm quite sober.
CHRISTINA
And we're all
very proud of you.
ED
This is quite
nice wine Miss Essenelle, may I inquire as to what the brand is?
CHRISTINA
You may and I
would not know the answer.
ED
Ah very well.
PAUL
(raises his
glass) Shall we raise our glasses to the last 10 seconds of politeness?
ELLIE
Very well young
chap!
BRADLEY
(everyone
raises their glasses) Suck my dick. (everyone chugs their wine and
smashes their glasses onto the floor and proceeds to start yelling in each
other's faces)
LEVEL 2 (BODY)
Physical Challenge, Pain and
Endurance
Physical Challenge, Pain and
Endurance
JEN
(takes a card from the pile) Get ready to be trampled. (reads the card) Betsy and Sarah are
stuck in a cornfield how do they escape? What the fuck is this?
BRADLEY
(laughs out loud) Oh holy shit I forgot
about that one.
ELLIE
Ohh! You’re on
level two and you cursed!
BRADLEY
Oh dammit.
CHRISTINA
Bradley!
BRADLEY
Oh f-…shoot.
PAUL
Drink mother
fucker! (BRADLEY drinks his beer for five
seconds and then glares at ELLIE) Ed, your turn.
ED
Oh right (he reaches over and picks up a card) YES
IT’S MINE!
ELLIE
What does it
say!
ED
You're in a room
with no windows or doors or any way out, the only thing in the room is a
mirror, how do you escape?
JASON
Whaaaaat?
ED
Well sons of
bitches, you look in the mirror, you see what you saw, you take the saw you cut
the mirror in half, two halves make a hole and you use the hole to escape.
JEN
You clever
monster.
PAUL AND ED
LEVEL TWO! (they high five and PAUL gets up to get some
beers)
CHRISTINA
My turn! First
level two card… (she picks up a card from
the second deck) oh PSYCH!
JEN AND PAUL
Nooo!
CHRISTINA
Do a back
handspring. Thank you superhero movie. (CHRISTINA
gets off the rug and takes off her shoes)
JASON
And this is why
we’re the dream team.
ELLIE
Psh.
CHRISTINA
Here goes
nothing (she backs up about 6 feet and
then runs for about a second before doing a cartwheel and then rounding off
into a back-hand spring, she sticks the landing to everyone’s cheers)
ED
Despite me being
on another team than you…that was pretty cool.
JEN
(muttering to herself) Stupid movie
teaching you how to do cool things…
CHRISTINA
One card down,
one to go.
ELLIE
Watch out
ladies. (the boys oooo at ELLIE as she picks up a level one card) YES
IT’S MINE!
JEN
FINALLY!
ELLIE
Make 9 only
using 11 lines, and this is pretty cool so you guys should watch. (she gets a piece of paper from a drawer in
the kitchen and uses the pencil on the table and draws out six vertical lines
next to each other and then spells out the word NINE with the remaining 5 lines)
Ta da!
CHRISTINA
Congrats, bitch.
JEN
DRINK!
CHRISTINA
Oh right! Agh (CHRISTINA puts her beer to her lips)
ELLIE
But! Since we’re
in level two now, we count.
JASON
(looking sadly at CHRISTINA) Good luck
champ.
CHRISTINA
I’ll surely
drown in beer.
ELLIE
Ready? (with a beer pursed to her lips she nods.
ELLIE and JEN begin to count extremely slow and at first CHRISTINA drinks her
beer somewhat quickly but starts to slow down by 3 and waves her arms telling
them to stop, ELLIE and JEN quickly say 4 and 5)
CHRISTINA
(gasping for air) I want to curse so
badly at the both of you.
BRADLEY
(putting an arm around her) It’s okay,
they’re just jealous we’re freaking amazing. (CHRISTINA giggles as BRADLEY pretends to drunkenly eat her air) it’s
like a forest…
ED
Alright, level
two card! (he picks up a card)
Physical challenge… touch toes.
BRADLEY
Oh shit.
CHRISTINA
(hitting him on the arm) Bradley! (he puts his hand over his mouth)
BRADLEY
I have to drink
now don’t I?
ED
For 10 seconds
because that was a question! (ED touches his toes and stashes the card)
PAUL
The question
rule! I forgot about that one.
JASON
Ugghhh, Bradley’s
gonna be too drunk to play.
JEN
Oh good then he’ll
be tolerable.
PAUL
(BRADLEY holds his beer to his lips and flips the
middle finger at JEN) Hey now…ready…set…drink! (BRADLEY drinks for about a minute and a half according to PAUL and ED’s
counting. Once he finishes he falls on JASON’s lap) Awww…
BRADLEY
(slurring his words) Is it my turn…
JASON
Yeah bud. (takes a card for BRADLEY) here’s your
card.
BRADLEY
Do 20 jumping
jacks faster than the other team of your choice. Alright who’s-
CHRISTINA
Don’t ask a
question!
BRADLEY
Oh yeah. Alright
Ed it’s payback time.
ED
You’re gonna
barf.
BRADLEY
Then I’ll be
more sober than you!
ED
(everyone laughs) Alright big boy, let’s
do it!
ELLIE
I’ll count for
Ed.
JEN
I’ll count for
Bradley.
CHRISTINA
(the boys stand next to each other and
BRADLEY is swaying slightly) Ready? Set…GO! (immediately the boys starting doing jumping jacks furiously. BRADLEY
makes it to 12 jumping jacks before running over to the kitchen sink, ED
finishes the 20 jumping jacks)
ELLIE
Oh Bradley… (CHRISTINA and JASON rush over to BRADLEY to
see if he’s ok, he didn’t throw up in the sink but instead what just there as a
precaution)
BRADLEY
I totally
thought I was gonna throw up.
CHRISTINA
Well I’m about
to throw up over what just happened.
JASON
What?
ED AND PAUL
LEVEL THREE!
BRADLEY
Oh noooo!
The Pre-Level 3 Break
PAUL
Oh I do love a
good bourbon.
ED
(pouring his own drink, he twirls the bourbon
in his glass and then smells it) Yes, has quite a nice smell to it as well.
BRADLEY
I am so pleased
to…uh…pleased.
JEN
Oh it is wonderful
to play the game.
PAUL
Three cards for
this round is correct I am assuming.
CHRISTINA
You can ask
questions during the pre-level break.
JASON
But you must ask
them… (in a British accent) properly.
ELLIE
It is also
wonderful to be coherent for the game!
CHRISTINA
Shall we
lassies?
JASON
We shall! LET
THE KILLING COMMENCE! (everyone throws
their beer bottles/glasses onto the ground and yell with fury at one another)
LEVEL 3 (SPIRIT)
Public Humiliation and Emotional
Battery
Public Humiliation and Emotional
Battery
JEN
Alright let's get this show on the road kids. (picks up a level two card) Oh I got this one last time, balancing three books on your head while walking back and forth around the room for 2 minutes.
ELLIE
Redeem yourself!
JEN
You got three books, Christ?
CHRISTINA
Yeah hold on (CHRISTINA jumps up and steadiest herself) Woah. (she goes over to her bookshelf and grabs three books and hands them to JEN) Here ya go.
JEN
Thanks girl.
ELLIE
You got it?
JEN
(placing the books on her head) Uhhh...yeah.
JASON
Uh, hold on now. Ellie you asked a question sweet child.
ELLIE
Oh no...
PAUL
DRINK YOUR BEER GIRL! (ELLIE drinks her beer for a solid minute and JASON stops counting)
ELLIE
I was so close to being less of a mess...(everyone laughs)
JASON
Jennifer you may now proceed.
JEN
You talk fancy-like. (she stables herself again) Christina time me!
CHRISTINA
(looking at her iPhone) Go! (JEN walks around the room for the allotted time as ELLIE cheered her on, after the timer finished and JEN didn't drop the books she dropped them on purpose on JASON's lap)
JEN
Who sucks at this game now?
CHRISTINA
QUESTION!
JEN
OH COME ON!
ELLIE
LEVEL THREE, LEVEL THREE!!
BRADLEY
Dreaaamm teaaaaam (JEN drinks her beer for 2 minutes as JASON and CHRISTINA count, BRADLEY has his head on CHRISTINA's leg)
PAUL
Alright...nothing too bad now...(he takes a card from the third pile) Emotional Battery...what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it. Oh my god this is just awful.
JASON
That's the game, now let us ruin your life.
PAUL
No! That's really messed up.
CHRISTINA
It's the way of the game, play to win.
PAUL
I'm picking another one.
ELLIE
No just let us tear you heart in half!
PAUL
No...
ED
Paul lives to a higher standard.
BRADLEY
Wimps.
JEN
Then you forfeit your turn, Jason!
JASON
(takes the card from PAUL's hand and places it back in the middle of the deck and then shuffles it. He takes the top card) Sorry man. Endurance! How many sit ups? min 50 to get the card.
BRADLEY
FINALLY A CARD WE CAN ACTUALLY DO.
JASON
Haha, yeah. (JASON lays down on his back and starts to do sit-ups)
PAUL
I can't believe you guys were thinking of mentally torturing me.
JEN
We weren't thinking about it, we were obliged to.
CHRISTINA
Who's card was that? It's genius.
ED
Mine.
ELLIE
Nice. (she hiccups)
JASON
33!
CHRISTINA
Yeah Jason!!
BRADLEY
(sitting up he grabs JASON's knees) Do this one for the children.
JASON
(grunting, he finishes he last sit-up) FIFFFTTYYY!!
CHRISTINA
LEVEL THREE!!
ED
Finally!
BRADLEY
Shut your mouth!
JASON
(panting on the ground) I'm gonna die playing this game.
ELLIE
Alright, level 3 card! (picks up a card) Get in a closet and french for 3 minutes with a True American pick. (everyone ooooos) Alright everyone on the count of three.
BRADLEY
What now.
CHRISTINA
(she grabs BRADLEY's shoulder up) Put a number on your forehead.
BRADLEY
Ok.
ELLIE
One...Two...Three! (CHRISTINA puts up a five, JEN puts up a four, ED puts up a three, JASON puts up a five, PAUL puts up a four, BRADLEY puts up a three, and ELLIE puts up a five)
JEN
Oooooo Jason and Ellie!
BRADLEY
You do her right.
CHRISTINA
Treat her like a queen! (ELLIE and JASON get up and head over to the master bedroom closet. ELLIE turns off the lights)
JEN
Oh man she's serious.
ED
Jason's an attractive man.
CHRISTINA
What're you in love with him?
PAUL
Quessstiioooonnn.
CHRISTINA
And I'm chuggin bourbon...
PAUL
I won't do it too bad. (CHRISTINA takes the bottle of bourbon and gives a thumbs up after shaking her head over the situation. She only had to chug it for about 30 seconds) See not too bad.
CHRISTINA
(slurring her words) Oh sweet lord I'm trashed.
BRADLEY
Welcome to my level.
CHRISTINA
I just did like 5 shots. Catch up.
PAUL
They got another two minutes.
JEN
They're not gonna do anything...
CHRISTINA
I don't know...Ellie's been real sassy tonight. She wants redemption.
PAUL
Jason's a gentleman.
ED
Not when he's drunk.
BRADLEY
Eh, I wouldn't.
JEN
Yeah right.
BRADLEY
I wouldn't, she's not my type.
CHRISTINA
You don't make-up with beautiful funny girls?
BRADLEY
She's too small.
JEN
Boobs. Of course.
BRADLEY
No! She's just like a small person. I can't explain it.
ED
One more minute. I wanna walk in like a minute before the timer to see if they did anything.
JEN
Ohh!! Yes!
CHRISTINA
Eh you guys go ahead. I'm gonna make the room stop spinning. (JEN, ED, and PAUL go over to the other room, after 10 seconds they all come running back)
~For Ellie and Jason, I will not post the conversation but instead skip to Ed's turn~
ED
(reading the card his mouth opens in horror) Call up your parents and tell them you hate them. What the heck is wrong with you people!
JEN
Oh that's mine, I was hoping I'd get that one cause then they would think I was joking.
JASON
Damn.
ED
I'll do it.
ELLIE
Really?!
ED
Yeah, I'm an actour...they won't believe it.
CHRISTINA
Don't break character.
ED
(laughs) Please. (ED takes out his iPhone and after touching the screen a few times he puts it to his ear)
ELLIE
Hold up! (she looks at his phone and sees that it is calling "Mom") Ok he's tellin the truth. Put it on speaker.
JASON
Ellie don't play no games!
ED
(rolling his eyes he presses the button) Now shush.
ED'S MOM
Ed do you know what time it is?
ED
I know mom but I had a realization.
ED's MOM
Ugh, what is it now?
ED
I hate you?
ED'S MOM
I hate you too. Goodnight. (she hangs up the phone. It's silent at first but then everyone starts laughing)
JASON
That was fuckin perfect.
JEN
Drink!
JASON
Oh Christ. (JEN counts for JASON as he drinks his bourbon for about 45 seconds. CHRISTINA takes a level 3 card)
CHRISTINA
Gotta be more careful Jason...tell us your deepest darkest secret. (everyone ooo's)
ED
(reading the card his mouth opens in horror) Call up your parents and tell them you hate them. What the heck is wrong with you people!
JEN
Oh that's mine, I was hoping I'd get that one cause then they would think I was joking.
JASON
Damn.
ED
I'll do it.
ELLIE
Really?!
ED
Yeah, I'm an actour...they won't believe it.
CHRISTINA
Don't break character.
ED
(laughs) Please. (ED takes out his iPhone and after touching the screen a few times he puts it to his ear)
ELLIE
Hold up! (she looks at his phone and sees that it is calling "Mom") Ok he's tellin the truth. Put it on speaker.
JASON
Ellie don't play no games!
ED
(rolling his eyes he presses the button) Now shush.
ED'S MOM
Ed do you know what time it is?
ED
I know mom but I had a realization.
ED's MOM
Ugh, what is it now?
ED
I hate you?
ED'S MOM
I hate you too. Goodnight. (she hangs up the phone. It's silent at first but then everyone starts laughing)
JASON
That was fuckin perfect.
JEN
Drink!
JASON
Oh Christ. (JEN counts for JASON as he drinks his bourbon for about 45 seconds. CHRISTINA takes a level 3 card)
CHRISTINA
Gotta be more careful Jason...tell us your deepest darkest secret. (everyone ooo's)
JEN
I bet I know it already.
CHRISTINA
I can promise you, you don't.
JEN
Really?
CHRISTINA
The only person that knows of my deepest darkest secret is Julian, and it will end with him. Sorry folks.
ED
Aw come on! I just told my mom I hated her!
CHRISTINA
Hey, if it makes you feel better I'd do the same but actually mean it.
ELLIE
SAY IT!
CHRISTINA
Nope.
PAUL
Christinaaa....
BRADLEY
Hey she doesn't wanna do it, Ellie take a card.
JEN
(ELLIE takes a card and after reading it takes off her shirt) Uh, Ellie?
ELLIE
The card says get naked for all of us to see and take pics that we get to keep on our phones forever so...
PAUL
Shut...up.
ELLIE
(she slips off her skirt) I'm not wimping out this time. And the next time we play we need to have a champion go this far as well.
JEN
Go Ellie!
JASON
Yeah!!
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA takes out her iPhone as do the others) Alright well I always wanted some pics of you on my blog...
ELLIE
Hey, on your phone only!
CHRISTINA
(she laughs)I know I'm joking. Wow, now I'm gonna have naked pics of Bradley and Ellie on my phone.
ELLIE
(she takes off her bra and underwear) Make it quick! (everyone snaps a picture of her and then she starts redressing herself)
JEN
One more card to win!!
PAUL
Let's see if I'll actually do the next one...(picks up a card) Swing your dick around to Gangam Style or if a girl boobs. (everyone bursts out laughing)
JASON
You have to do it! (PAUL takes off his pants)
PAUL
Oh I'll do it. (all the girls scream)
JEN
Yes!!
CHRISTINA
Oh my God Paul I love you. (she plays Gangnam Style on her phone and PAUL takes off his boxers)
JEN
I'm so happy I wrote this one.
PAUL
I apologize if it gets hard (the music starts and so does he, the girls are in fits of giggles while BRADLEY and ED are covering their eyes, JASON is clapping and is laughing on the ground)
ED
Anything for a card...
BRADLEY
Does he have to do the whole song?
ELLIE
Shut up! GO PAUL!! (PAUL is having the time of his life and is also dancing and singing to the song, the girls are dancing as well while the guys bury their heads under pillows)
CHRISTINA
(laughing hysterically) Oh I'm crying!
JEN
I can't breath...go Paul!! (the song ends and PAUL puts his boxers back on)
PAUL
One more to finish.
ED
I'm proud of you man.
CHRISTINA
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life, you're a gem.
JASON
Alright Bradley get us a card! (BRADLEY takes a card)
BRADLEY
Aw it's the one Paul had: what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it. I hate that I'm not taken seriously. Go you have a minute.
JEN
Obviously you're not taken seriously as an actor cause you're just some pretty boy who thinks acting is looking at a camera with your baby blue eyes.
ELLIE
Seriously. You skated your way through acting school probably because girls just wanted to be in scenes with you and you've been with so many trashy women that you're so used to just faking relationships and emotions.
JASON
Maybe people would take you more seriously if you were in an actually good movie, and not some BS one like the hangover.
ED
No no no the hangover was supposed to be a good movie until we hear Bradley Cooper was going to be playing the part. But then again the part is for an asshole playboy so who else could fit the bill really.
CHRISTINA
Maybe if you did something good with your life like getting a real job and working for your pay instead of just smiling and looking pretty, maybe then people would say "Oh he actually did something for this"
PAUL
The only reason why you keep getting booked for movies is because girls go to see them only to watch you take your shirt off, has anyone ever had a serious emotional reaction to any of your movies? Nope.
ELLIE
It's sad really, to think that someone as stupid and worthless as you can be a millionaire just because of genetics.
JEN
Well what can you expect? All playboys are stupid. But at least Matt McConaughey makes fun of himself for it-
BRADLEY
That's time, thanks f-ers.
JASON
(hugging BRADLEY) Love you.
BRADLEY
(laughing) Yeah yeah. Ellie you are kicking butt tonight.
ELLIE
(in a masculine voice) Yeah!
JEN
(takes a card) Let's see how crazy tonight's gonna get...Get a body shot done off your stomach via true american pick. I'll do it, fingers up on three people! (JEN put up a three, ED put up a two, JASON put up a three, BRADLEY put up a two, PAUL put up a five, ELLIE put up a one, and CHRISTINA put up a one)
ED
Jen and Jason!
PAUL
Jason's a lucky man tonight.
JASON
(CHRISTINA gives JASON a shot of bourbon and JEN laid down and lifted up her shirt) Oh man, tonight is my lucky night.
JEN
(laughs) Do it so Ellie and I can win!
JASON
Oh then I'll make this hell.
JEN
Agh, okay. Haha. (JASON pours the shot into her belly button and a slightly above it as well) Ahh it's cold!
JASON
Stay still.
~Use your imagination kids, but man was it hilarious~
JEN
(getting up from the ground) Hot damn, ELLIE WE JUST WON.
ELLIE
FUCK YES! (the two girls start screaming and jumping up and down)
CHRISTINA
But who will get second place?
ED
Gee I wonder...(picks up a card) Tell us your deepest darkest secret. Well Paul, it's not gonna be us.
PAUL
Aw come on!
JASON
(pushes ED back and takes a card from the deck) Shut up losers. what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it, alright make fun of the way I look!
ELLIE
We don't play, right? Cause we're winners? Cause you all suck so much that we fucking beat you.
BRADLEY
Calm down, Ellie. No you don't play, and it's a good thing too because Jason is too much of a fat fuck to even give you guys enough room to play.
PAUL
I've know Jason for quite some time and never have I felt so alienated...and just by his height.
CHRISTINA
I feel bad for the camera man on How I met Your Mother, can you imagine how annoying it must be to zoom all the way in for Alyson Hannigan and then to zoom all the way out for Jason?
BRADLEY
I can't even imagine him having kids cause they would just view him as this monstrous giant and kill themselves effective immediately.
ED
Think of how inconvenient you'll be to your family after you die, the grave is going to have to be six times the regular length of one.
PAUL
And width.
ED
And width.
JASON
That's time and THAT'S ANOTHER CARD FOR US!
PAUL
Well yeah but we have two cards and this will be the winning one...(takes a card) Tell us your deepest darkest-GOD DAMNIT!
CHRISTINA
DRINK!
ED
AGH.
JASON
WE CAN GET SECOND GUYS.
JEN
You're all ridiculous.
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA picks up a card while BRADLEY and JASON count for PAUL) FASHION SHOW IN THE STREET LET'S GO! (CHRISTINA runs to her closet and everyone follows her. When they reach the closet everyone picks out their ridiculous outfit of choice for CHRISTINA to prance down the street in. They all leave the house and CHRISTINA struts her way down a block, looking absolutely stupid. She does the second outfit as well just for good measure as everyone cheers. Once she's done everyone returns back inside)
JASON
NOW WE'RE TIED.
ED
I swear if we get deepest darkest secret again...
ELLIE
I think there are two cards that say that.
CHRISTINA
Oh well, Ed!
I bet I know it already.
CHRISTINA
I can promise you, you don't.
JEN
Really?
CHRISTINA
The only person that knows of my deepest darkest secret is Julian, and it will end with him. Sorry folks.
ED
Aw come on! I just told my mom I hated her!
CHRISTINA
Hey, if it makes you feel better I'd do the same but actually mean it.
ELLIE
SAY IT!
CHRISTINA
Nope.
PAUL
Christinaaa....
BRADLEY
Hey she doesn't wanna do it, Ellie take a card.
JEN
(ELLIE takes a card and after reading it takes off her shirt) Uh, Ellie?
ELLIE
The card says get naked for all of us to see and take pics that we get to keep on our phones forever so...
PAUL
Shut...up.
ELLIE
(she slips off her skirt) I'm not wimping out this time. And the next time we play we need to have a champion go this far as well.
JEN
Go Ellie!
JASON
Yeah!!
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA takes out her iPhone as do the others) Alright well I always wanted some pics of you on my blog...
ELLIE
Hey, on your phone only!
CHRISTINA
(she laughs)I know I'm joking. Wow, now I'm gonna have naked pics of Bradley and Ellie on my phone.
ELLIE
(she takes off her bra and underwear) Make it quick! (everyone snaps a picture of her and then she starts redressing herself)
JEN
One more card to win!!
PAUL
Let's see if I'll actually do the next one...(picks up a card) Swing your dick around to Gangam Style or if a girl boobs. (everyone bursts out laughing)
JASON
You have to do it! (PAUL takes off his pants)
PAUL
Oh I'll do it. (all the girls scream)
JEN
Yes!!
CHRISTINA
Oh my God Paul I love you. (she plays Gangnam Style on her phone and PAUL takes off his boxers)
JEN
I'm so happy I wrote this one.
PAUL
I apologize if it gets hard (the music starts and so does he, the girls are in fits of giggles while BRADLEY and ED are covering their eyes, JASON is clapping and is laughing on the ground)
ED
Anything for a card...
BRADLEY
Does he have to do the whole song?
ELLIE
Shut up! GO PAUL!! (PAUL is having the time of his life and is also dancing and singing to the song, the girls are dancing as well while the guys bury their heads under pillows)
CHRISTINA
(laughing hysterically) Oh I'm crying!
JEN
I can't breath...go Paul!! (the song ends and PAUL puts his boxers back on)
PAUL
One more to finish.
ED
I'm proud of you man.
CHRISTINA
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life, you're a gem.
JASON
Alright Bradley get us a card! (BRADLEY takes a card)
BRADLEY
Aw it's the one Paul had: what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it. I hate that I'm not taken seriously. Go you have a minute.
JEN
Obviously you're not taken seriously as an actor cause you're just some pretty boy who thinks acting is looking at a camera with your baby blue eyes.
ELLIE
Seriously. You skated your way through acting school probably because girls just wanted to be in scenes with you and you've been with so many trashy women that you're so used to just faking relationships and emotions.
JASON
Maybe people would take you more seriously if you were in an actually good movie, and not some BS one like the hangover.
ED
No no no the hangover was supposed to be a good movie until we hear Bradley Cooper was going to be playing the part. But then again the part is for an asshole playboy so who else could fit the bill really.
CHRISTINA
Maybe if you did something good with your life like getting a real job and working for your pay instead of just smiling and looking pretty, maybe then people would say "Oh he actually did something for this"
PAUL
The only reason why you keep getting booked for movies is because girls go to see them only to watch you take your shirt off, has anyone ever had a serious emotional reaction to any of your movies? Nope.
ELLIE
It's sad really, to think that someone as stupid and worthless as you can be a millionaire just because of genetics.
JEN
Well what can you expect? All playboys are stupid. But at least Matt McConaughey makes fun of himself for it-
BRADLEY
That's time, thanks f-ers.
JASON
(hugging BRADLEY) Love you.
BRADLEY
(laughing) Yeah yeah. Ellie you are kicking butt tonight.
ELLIE
(in a masculine voice) Yeah!
JEN
(takes a card) Let's see how crazy tonight's gonna get...Get a body shot done off your stomach via true american pick. I'll do it, fingers up on three people! (JEN put up a three, ED put up a two, JASON put up a three, BRADLEY put up a two, PAUL put up a five, ELLIE put up a one, and CHRISTINA put up a one)
ED
Jen and Jason!
PAUL
Jason's a lucky man tonight.
JASON
(CHRISTINA gives JASON a shot of bourbon and JEN laid down and lifted up her shirt) Oh man, tonight is my lucky night.
JEN
(laughs) Do it so Ellie and I can win!
JASON
Oh then I'll make this hell.
JEN
Agh, okay. Haha. (JASON pours the shot into her belly button and a slightly above it as well) Ahh it's cold!
JASON
Stay still.
~Use your imagination kids, but man was it hilarious~
JEN
(getting up from the ground) Hot damn, ELLIE WE JUST WON.
ELLIE
FUCK YES! (the two girls start screaming and jumping up and down)
CHRISTINA
But who will get second place?
ED
Gee I wonder...(picks up a card) Tell us your deepest darkest secret. Well Paul, it's not gonna be us.
PAUL
Aw come on!
JASON
(pushes ED back and takes a card from the deck) Shut up losers. what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it, alright make fun of the way I look!
ELLIE
We don't play, right? Cause we're winners? Cause you all suck so much that we fucking beat you.
BRADLEY
Calm down, Ellie. No you don't play, and it's a good thing too because Jason is too much of a fat fuck to even give you guys enough room to play.
PAUL
I've know Jason for quite some time and never have I felt so alienated...and just by his height.
CHRISTINA
I feel bad for the camera man on How I met Your Mother, can you imagine how annoying it must be to zoom all the way in for Alyson Hannigan and then to zoom all the way out for Jason?
BRADLEY
I can't even imagine him having kids cause they would just view him as this monstrous giant and kill themselves effective immediately.
ED
Think of how inconvenient you'll be to your family after you die, the grave is going to have to be six times the regular length of one.
PAUL
And width.
ED
And width.
JASON
That's time and THAT'S ANOTHER CARD FOR US!
PAUL
Well yeah but we have two cards and this will be the winning one...(takes a card) Tell us your deepest darkest-GOD DAMNIT!
CHRISTINA
DRINK!
ED
AGH.
JASON
WE CAN GET SECOND GUYS.
JEN
You're all ridiculous.
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA picks up a card while BRADLEY and JASON count for PAUL) FASHION SHOW IN THE STREET LET'S GO! (CHRISTINA runs to her closet and everyone follows her. When they reach the closet everyone picks out their ridiculous outfit of choice for CHRISTINA to prance down the street in. They all leave the house and CHRISTINA struts her way down a block, looking absolutely stupid. She does the second outfit as well just for good measure as everyone cheers. Once she's done everyone returns back inside)
JASON
NOW WE'RE TIED.
ED
I swear if we get deepest darkest secret again...
ELLIE
I think there are two cards that say that.
CHRISTINA
Oh well, Ed!
Now I wish I could divulge into what Ed did to win his final card but it is so weird that I won't say, but it does involve a yellow fruit. So Ed and Paul won second place, Bradley, Jason and I got third and Ellie and Jen got first. So winners first game became losers second game and losers first game became winners second game. And Ed will forever remain in second place. After the game Bradley passed out in my bed and Ed passed out on the couch, Jason, Ellie, Jen, Paul, and I went into the jacuzzi for a bit and then Jen and I went inside, Jen fell asleep in one of the guest bedrooms and I went to my room. I woke up the next morning to find a note from Jason saying that he went home before I woke up and he thanked me for a great night. Paul was on the chair outside wrapped up in a towel looking like a burrito, and Ellie was in another one of my guest bedrooms. I always wake up pretty early so I made pancakes and then left because (I work m-th) so I assumed the people would wake up, eat pancakes, and then leave.
Boy was I wrong.
Stupidly I forgot my phone at my house because I was in a slight hurry to get outta there (waking up to Bradley Cooper in your bed is a little freaky) and so I was at work all day and then when I got home (remember, Jen is usually at my house) no one was there. So I figured everyone left and Jen was out doing something. After an hour of eating food and watching TV I left for my physical therapy appointment (it's about an hour long) and then returned home to Jen, Bradley, Ellie, Paul, and Ed in a circle on their cell phones (it's about 7 o'clock at night by this point)
CHRISTINA
Oh, hey guys!
JEN
(everyone turns around and is shocked) Where the fuck were you!?
CHRISTINA
(joking) Oh, now you have to drink!
JEN
I'm not fucking joking where were you?!
BRADLEY
We were worried sick!
ED
Why didn't you answer your phone?
CHRISTINA
It's somewhere in this house, why? What'd you need me for?
ELLIE
We thought you vanished!
CHRISTINA
(confused, she turns to JEN) Jen I work today, you know this.
JEN
You weren't here like an hour ago either!
CHRISTINA
I had physical therapy!
PAUL
(throwing his head back he sighs) Man...do I feel stupid now.
CHRISTINA
What'd you guys do?
BRADLEY
We basically just lived out the plot of The Hangover.
CHRISTINA
Oh God.
ELLIE
We were checking pockets and notes and we called Jason cause he left early this morning for some reason...
JEN
We went to Jason's house to see if he kidnapped you or something.
BRADLEY
Then everyone got mad at me cause they thought I did something to you...
ED
It's just been a crazy day... (ELLIE goes up to CHRISTINA and hugs her)
ELLIE
But you're alive now so...wanna get drive through?
CHRISTINA
Yes I'm starving!
PAUL
Taco Bell it is!
By the way:
I have a perfect view of Bradley from my office window
it's annoying.
