Day 6 {Maui}

Fishing! We all woke up at around 7AM and hopped on the same boat we had yesterday and went fishing with a 4 person crew. For the first hour we went "game fishing" which is for tough guys who want giant fish. I caught two fish but I felt kinda bad about it, it's probably cause of the snorkeling from yesterday...we didn't keep any of the fish though-catch and release. Mainly everyone caught snapper but Bradley and Seth caught a pink tail fish that was poisonous, whoops!

Look at these love birds...agh cuties. 

Later on we split up and either relaxed at the pool or the beach and ate dinner separately. Chicken quesadilla fo tha win. Night chickadees. 

Day 5 {Maui}

Such a cool day! I think today is probably my favorite of the trip so far. We all woke up at 8AM and went down to the shuttle pick up zone and headed out to this beach where boats can pick you up. Since we had 15 people going (and the crew as well) we decided to rent our own sail boat for two days. It was so picturesque, we went to Molokini and there were so many fish! Then after we went a little bit farther out and got to swim with sea turtles! Unfortunately they're endangered so you can't touch them or anything but they're absolutely majestic as hell. At one point I swam a little bit away from the boat (away from everyone else) and saw a sea turtle all alone. I named him jumper for no reason other than it was the first thing that popped into my head. After we sailed around for about 2 hours...wind in your hair...ocean mist in your face...good friends all around...perfection. :)

Dinner in the room while playing dots and watching a movie with the lovely Bradley Cooper. Sat on the beach and watched the sunset, listened to music as Bradley and I explored the massive hotel, I'll get married here someday I just know it. 

By the way, GOT A PIC OF WHITE GIRL. 




this dope and I must've walked around that hotel for hours

night

Day 4 {Maui}

Rainy day! Fortunately we has a cabana so we hung around the pool all day with our cabana curtains closed. I think the best part of the day was going to Mama's Fish House at night, taking lots of pictures, and eating delicious food. A rainy and wet day but a worthwhile one!

Day 3 {Maui}

Suuuuuuper relaxing day. Half of the group went on this big road trip to Hana and they stopped off at all these waterfalls and other scenic things; this was Fred, Kristen, Nasim, Jason, Olivia, Carrie, Tina and Amy. Bradley, Bobby, Jen, Seth, Jimmy, Chris and I stayed behind to relax on the beach. It was just Jen and I for a long time on the beach just  reading and sleeping and then Seth, Jimmy and Chris went swimming with me while Jen slept. (Bobby and Bradley were golfing all day) then the 7 of us got dinner at the four seasons, watched the second half of the bachelorette and slept.

All in all a great day.

Day 2 {Maui}

What a long and great day! Since I'm a little jet lagged I woke up at 7:30am and got breakfast with Bradley and Bobby (after some coaxing...that boy is always sleeping). Jen and I are staying in a room together and Bradley and bobby are in the room attached to ours. After breakfast the three of us went to the pool, got wristbands and towels and placed all of our things in our super-cabana! Since there are about 16 of us we figured the super-cabana would be the best choice. It's got a tv too (which is nuts). After that we met up with Nasim and Jason and they (plus Bobby) went paddle-boarding and Bradley and I went kayaking! Every now and then we'd all get together with our different aquatic vehicles and relax. The water here is so warm too it's almost disturbing. We saw a sea turtle!! It was by Nasim, Jason, and Bobby and so Bradley and I kayaked over to it. It was huge! Big and green and yellowish, it blew a lot of bubbles when it stopped swimming. Super cute. After the ocean we went back to the cabana where Jen, Kristen and Fred were hanging out. Apparently Tina and Amy were up top at the grotto bar (keep in mind it's like 12pm at this point) and Chris, Jimmy, and Seth went to some cafe within the hotel (I actually didn't know we're Olivia and Carrie were at this point in time). So the 8 of us (Jen, Bradley, Nasim, Bobby, Jason, Kristen, Fred and I) went into the underwater elevator and road down all the slides! We stopped for a second to say hi to Amy and Tina and to go Into the jacuzzi but after we finished riding the slides we chilled on the lazy river and went back into the jacuzzi. Bradley, Jen, Kristen, and Fred went to go up to the bar with the three ladies and Bobby, Jason, Nasim and I went on the big waterside and then went back to the super cabana where Olivia, Carrie and Jimmy were. Oh my god, there's this girl at the resort with the words "white girl" tattooed on the back of her thighs in cursive...Jen and Fred saw it, I have yet to see the legend of white girl but I hope to soon.



We spent most of the day going between the cabana and the ocean and it was absolute bliss. Around four most of us headed back to the rooms to change and shower. At 5:45pm Bobby and I went down to dinner at humuhumunukunukuapua'a (I swear that's the name of the restaurant) and there was Jason and Nasim feeding the fishes, Fred, Kristen, Jen, Bradley, Seth, and Chris having drinks at the bar and Bobby and I just walking around the place aimlessly. I grabbed Bradley at one point and we walked around and looked at the fish. T'was a lot of fun. Very serene. Then all of us got together at this big giant table-ate FANTASTIC food and left. Although 7 of us (that were a little tipsy) decided to go look for the super moon...we could find it. So Carrie, Chris, Jen, Jimmy, Amy, Kristen and I headed back to ours rooms and went straight to bed.

Bradley at dinner:

A perfect day :)

23rd Birthday!

Currently on the plane to Maui!! Happy Birthday to me! Sitting next to Bradley in first class and Jen and Tyson are next to us on the other side. See you in Maui soon :D

We arrived in Maui at around 11am Hawaii time (so 2pm California time) and I got a rental car from Hertz. Once I got the car we headed out to our resort (Grand Wailea Resort and Spa) and man is it beautiful here. Partly cloudy and about 80 degrees and the ocean water is so clear and bluish-green! Maybe I'll move here some day... Immediately once we got into our rooms we slipped into our swim suits and headed down to the pool/beach. Jen didn't come down cause she wanted to read her book so it was just Bradley, Tyson and me.

The party started at around 6pm and was an absolute blast. Everyone came too! I was worried about that since its a pretty long flight from CA/NY to Hawaii. Although the biggest thank you goes to Cillian Murphy who flew from Ireland to get here! Now that's insane. The party was on the beach, white tea lights and lanterns everywhere, there were white round tables with sea shells on them and candles everywhere. Everyone looked so nice! There are tons of pictures so I'll disperse them throughout my Hawaii trip portion of this blog. I'm so happy to have all of these people here to celebrate my 23rd birthday with me. It does make me sad to not have Julian or any members of The Strokes there but they all sent me text messages/emails wishing me happy birthday. Besides, spending time with old friends (Tyson, Seth, Nasim) and with new friends (Jen, Bradley, Trevor) definitely helps with the healing process. 

The party had so many elements to it that made it truly spectacular. From the pig roast to the fireworks to the fire dancers and hula girls it was truly extraordinary. Some of you may not know this (unless you've lived with me) but I have a slight obsession with raw fish, so when I heard this year's SNL summer trip was in Hawaii I nearly jumped for joy because of all the fish I'd be having! And at my birthday there was a giant ice table filled with sushi and sashimi. Delicious. I had some great conversations with old friends at the party too. Pics coming soon...

Getting Ready

for Hawaii! We leave on Saturday morning and we get there at around...11am? Yeah, there's that 3 hour time difference so we get there early. Also, Saturday is my birthday! It's a lot smaller than my 21st (only 73 people this time [instead of 131 haha...]) but remember when I wrote that Vanessa, Bobby, Jason, Kristen (Wiig), Fred, Nasim, and Seth were going to Hawaii as an SNL trip? Well since SNL trips normally don't consist of 8 people (there were 15 flight tickets purchased) all the SNL cast members decided (via email) who the remaining tickets would go to. So! After a crap load of emails, the final flight list is this:

1. Christina Essenelle
2. Nasim Pedrad
3. Jason Sudeikis 
4. Bobby Moynihan
5. Fred Armisen
6. Seth Meyers
7. Kristen Wiig
8. Amy Poehler
9. Tina Fey 
10. Chris Parnell 
11. Jen Lawrence (my extra)
12. Bradley Cooper (Nasim's extra [after I begged her to give it to him])
13. Jimmy Fallon (Seth's extra)
14. Olivia Wilde (Jason's extra)
15. Carrie Brownstein (Fred's extra)

I AM SO EXCITED! And my final birthday party guest list is this (by the way, the SNL cast members could not do this trip because of the duration, that's why they can still come to my birthday bash on the beach):

SNL
BOOSH
IT
WKUK
DRINKING
AAR
MOVIE

1.    Bradley Cooper 
2.    Jason Sudeikis
3.    Jen Lawrence
4.    Bill Hader
5.    Bobby Moynihan
6.    Jay Pharoah
7.    Kristen Wiig
8.    Kenan Thompson
9.    Paul Rudd
10.   Lorne Michaels
11.   Maya Rudolph
12.   Jason Segel
13.   Seth Meyers
14.   Nasim Pedrad
15.   Ellie Kemper
16.   Taran Killam
17.   Vanessa Bayer
18.   Will Forte
19.   Tina Fey
20.   Amy Poehler
21.   Jimmy Fallon
22.   Conan O’Brien
23.   Liza Powell
24.   Jimmy Kimmel
25.   Nick Wheeler
26.   Tyson Ritter
27.   Trevor Moore
28.   Mike Kennerty
29.   Chris Gaylor
30.   Chris Parnell
31.   Timmy Williams
32.   Joseph Gordon Levitt
33.   Kate McKinnon
34.   Aidy Bryant
35.   Jack McBrayer
36.   Andy Richter
37.   Cecily Strong
38.   Leo DiCaprio
39.   Matt Damon
40.   Tim Robinson
41.   Anne Hathaway
42.   Justin Timberlake
43.   Noel Fielding
44.   Fred Armisen
45.   Julian Barrett
46.   Andrew Garfield
47.   Rich Fulcher
48.   Javier Bardem
49.   Robert Downey Jr.
50.   Rich Ayoade
51.   Cillian Murphy
52.   Chris O'Dowd
53.   Russel Brand
54.   Katherine Parkinson
55.   Graham Lineham
56.   Steve Higgins
57.   Dave Brown
58.    Mike Fielding
59.    Margera’s
60.    Zach Galifianakis
61.    Drew Barrymore
62.    Johnny Knoxville
63.   Ed Helms
64.   Matt Berry
65.   Paul King
66.   Jim Biederman
67.   Chris Pontius
68.   Steve-O
69.   Christoph Waltz
70.   Chris Nolan
71.   Zach Creggar
72.   Sam Brown
73.   Darren Trumeter


oh and happy father's day to those who have one.

Striped Skinny Jeans

You guess it, Tyson's in LA and he's become the third member of the Essenelle household. Bradley, Jen, Tyson, and I are now living together almost full time and I absolutely love it, it's crazy and it's fun but it's also just nice having someone around you constantly. I've never lived alone before, even when Jules was in California I would ask friends to sleep over or I would just crash in Nasim's room/Joe's house. I hate being alone so it's nice to have great friends to be surrounded by. I almost always (not in a sexual way) have someone sleeping in my bed with me, first off it's a king so it's HUGE! second off, we all watch TV together so it's usually (before Tyson showed up) Jen, Bradley, and I all in the bed together but since Tyson moved in he's been chilling at the foot of the bed kind of like a dog. Ha! I love that guy though.

Oh man, today is Saturday so this is in reference to Friday. Thursday night is when Tyson showed up so of course we had a huge celebration and stayed up all night...well I had to go to work the next day and I actually didn't even sleep from Thursday night to Friday morning: I pulled an all-drunk-nighter. So Friday morning I went into the guest bedroom and woke up Tyson and Bradley (Jen pulled the all-nighter with me) and we hopped into my limo and played the shot-at-every-red-light drinking game until I got to work-for the fuck of it-Tyson's home! And once I made it to Santa Monica I was trashed. So I walk into work with the WKUK --- and they can immediately tell I'm trashed and apparently they have this rule of whenever someone comes into work drunk they have to write a sketch that will automatically be put into the show, and no matter how terrible it is it will be aired on television and the drunk person will have to deal with the consequences of the sketch. Since season 6 hasn't aired yet and probably won't till long after Christmas I cannot post the script here but I can say it's about a lazy-eyed German drunk who's mom is crazy and this German guy sleeps on people's porch's but everyone loves him. He does drunk comedy at a local university.

cOmEdY gOlD


---I don't think I mentioned that my job was writing sketches with the sketch comedy group The Whitest Kids U'Know. I know Trevor from a show we did in London a year or so back. It's composed of 5 white guys-Trevor Moore, Zach Creggar, Timmy Williams, Sam Brown, and Darren Trumeter. Obviously I can't join the group because it's their group but they did allow me to come on and help them write sketches and maybe even be in a scene or two as an extra. They're all hilarious and their producer Jim Biederman is really funny too. They come over to my house a lot to hang out, but they will probably not move in with me...probably.---

Celebrity Game Night 2: The Return of Ellie

That's right folks it's that time of boredom and confusion again. It's time for Celebrity Game Night 2! The Return of Ellie. I was just hanging out in my Jacuzzi, being lazy and what not, and I thought Jen was out at a friend's house so I was in there for a good 2 hours just relaxing and suddenly Ed Helms enters my Jacuzzi! So we're talking about each other and what we've been up to and he then tells me that Jen invited him over, along with several others for a party. Obviously I was quite confused, it was my house, how could Jen throw a party there? So I asked Ed who else was coming and he said it was sort of a surprise so I got out of the Jacuzzi and sat underneath my big heating lamp thing and sat on the outdoor couch with Ed. We sat there talking for about 20 minutes before I heard screaming and yelling coming from inside my house. I gave Ed this bizarre look and then walked into my living room and saw Bradley Cooper and Jen yelling at each other, Jason Segel and Paul Rudd talking to each other to the side and Ellie Kemper trying to calm down Bradley and Jen.

CHRISTINA

Hey!

BRADLEY

(to JEN) Well then why did you even invite me?

ELLIE

Guys come on!

CHRISTINA

Hello?

JEN

I don't know maybe I just thought you weren't as much of an asshole as I last remembered!

BRADLEY

Oh, yeah?

CHRISTINA

GUYS! 

BRADLEY

(turning to CHRISTINA) WHAT! (he recognizes CHRISTINA)Oh hey Christina. 

CHRISTINA

(pauses) Get out.

JEN

What?

CHRISTINA

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

BRADLEY

(stepping forward, he puts his hands in the air) Christina, we were just-

CHRISTINA

No, I know! Boo-hoo he doesn't like you, you don't like him either. Who cares! NOW GET OUT!

JEN

But-

CHRISTINA

(angrily) I want you to think long and hard right now about how fucking good of an actress I am and then think about screaming in my house! (she smiles at them, they are shocked but then start to smile too, CHRISTINA quietly) You bitches.

JASON

(he comes forward and high fives CHRISTINA, then hugs her) That was fucking awesome.

 BRADLEY

(smiling and shaking his head, CHRISTINA steps forward to him) You devil. (they hug tightly and CHRISTINA turns to JEN) 

JEN

You are such a bitch. (CHRISTINA laughs and hugs her)

CHRISTINA

And poor Ellie had to try and stop you morons! (CHRISTINA hugs ELLIE) 

PAUL

Hey kiddo (CHRISTINA hugs PAUL)

CHRISTINA

Did you fly out here? I thought you were in New York this summer.

PAUL

No I am in New York I flew out here for the week. Cause I love ya. (CHRISTINA's jaw drops and she walks over to her kitchen cupboard and pulls out a handle of bourbon)

CHRISTINA

You're getting wasted first. (everyone laughs)

JEN

Well I not only rounded you all up because Christina's got a new house and we need to break it in, but because that fateful night we played Jenstinalie Jasaulad we all became freakishly connected, and we have to stick together.

ED

(puts his hand on CHRISTINA's shoulder) And when one of us needs the others we must reassemble and get black out drunk. 

PAUL

Oh and make terrible decisions.

CHRISTINA

(blushing) You guys...

ELLIE

So let's get this party started!

The Pregame Wine and Cheese 

Reception

CHRISTINA

(holding up her bottle of wine) May the lord be with you all.

JASON

(holding up his wine to CHRISTINA's) Ah, and also with you.

JEN

May all of us not pull an Ellie.

ELLIE

And I hope to not as well.

ED

Same teams?

BRADLEY

Why do you think we should switch them up?

PAUL

Let's do it like we did last time, that way it's up to the drinking gods to determine whether the teams are switched. 

JEN

A true poet. On the count of three!

EVERYONE

One...two...three! (everyone puts up a different amount of fingers to their forehead, JASON has three, ELLIE has five, ED has four, BRADLEY has three, JEN has four, CHRISTINA has four, PAUL has four)

PAUL

Wait...

JEN

Do it again folks. (JASON puts up a four, ELLIE a two, ED a five, BRADLEY a four, JEN a three, CHRISTINA a one, and PAUL a four)

JASON

Okay I know we need to redo this again but Bradley and I have to be on a team together.

BRADLEY

If the universe says so.

ELLIE

Okay fine you two are out, the rest of us do it again.

CHRISTINA

It's so much easier on TV...

ED

Okay, one, two, three! (ELLIE puts up a one, ED a five, JEN a one, CHRISTINA a three, and PAUL a five)

ED

Success!

CHRISTINA

(holding up her three fingers) Uh, hello?!

JASON

You can be on our team, there's always gonna be a team of three.

BRADLEY

Dream team back together!

CHRISTINA

(CHRISTINA high fives JASON and BRADLEY) So, Jen and Ellie and Paul and Ed...get ready to rumble folks. Cause that timer is long gone. (JEN is the first one to chug her wine and smash the glass on the floor and everyone else follows suite while JEN is screaming at everyone while they finish their wine)

LEVEL 1 (MIND)

Trivia, Puzzles and Artistry

CHRISTINA

Paul is supposed to get the drunkest tonight so, Paul, you may go first.

PAUL

(he picks up a card from the trivia pile) How do you spell Zach from the Hangover's last name? 

BRADLEY

No way!

ED

Paul I swear to God if you don't get this...

PAUL

Are you kidding me? His name is impossible to spell!

CHRISTINA

I know how to spell it.

PAUL

Ok ok, uh...G-A-L-I-F-I-N-A-K-I-S?

BRADLEY

Nope!

PAUL

Goddammit.

ED

Agh!

CHRISTINA

Drink mother lickers. My turn. My house. (she picks up a trivia card) What does NASA stand for? Oh Jesus I don't fucking know...

JASON

Guess! 

CHRISTINA

Fuck...Uhm...is it national aeronautic space association?

ELLIE

Ohhhh so close!

CHRISTINA

What was it?

ELLIE

National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

CHRISTINA

Oh we're splitting hairs over administration and association!

BRADLEY

They're practically the same thing!

JEN

You do realize this is a drinking game right?

CHRISTINA

Oh no, don't torture me over this wine...(everyone laughs)

JEN

My turn! (she takes a card) Ooh artistry! Show me impressionistic art. I'll decide which is better...who wrote this one?
PAUL
Oh man that's mine.
JEN
Great. (JEN takes a green, blue, and red sharpie from CHRISTINA's drawer and draws several messy flowers on her leg) Beautiful, no?
PAUL
(ED whispers in PAUL's ear) No. (everyone but JEN and ELLIE laugh, JEN sticks her tongue out at PAUL before drinking her wine)
ED
Let's see what daddy's gonna get-(he picks up a card) Oh easy, pass me that pencil. (CHRISTINA hands him a pencil and he completes a maze on the card) Round of applause to Ed for getting....the first card!
CHRISTINA
Booooo...
BRADLEY
If I may Jason... (reaches over JASON and picks up a card) A man rides in on Friday stays for two days and then leaves on Friday. HOW?
JASON
Ah this one's mine!
BRADLEY
Thankfully I've heard this one before (he slams the card down on the floor) THAT HORSES'S NAME WAS FRIDAY.
CHRISTINA
CHA-CHING!
PAUL
We have a card too...
JASON
Hell fucking yeah! One card to go.
ELLIE
I can't wait until you guys have to chug all of your alcohol when the no cursing rule comes into effect.
JEN
(puts her hand on ELLIE's shoulder) Soon we will conquer. 
ELLIE
(picks up a card) Yes another maze!
CHRISTINA
I knew I shouldn't have drawn a maze...
ELLIE
(throws the card down and throws her fists in the air-she finished the maze) NOW WE ALL TIED UP... BITCHES! 
PAUL
Alright alright, let's see who gets in the lead first. (takes a card) What's the greatest band in the world? 
ED
Oh come on!
JEN
(laughing hysterically) Well!
PAUL
Christ...uh, AC/DC?
JEN
Chumba Wumba idiot, JASON?
JASON
(slightly frightened, he picks up a card as PAUL drinks his wine)  Who's hosted SNL the most? Oh thanks Essenelle.
CHRISTINA
This is easy.
JASON
You're right, Alec Baldwin!
ELLIE
(CHRISTINA looks at her phone to double-check) You don't know off the top of your head?
CHRISTINA
It's either Alec Baldwin or Steve Martin, they keep switching off...Steve Martin 15 times...Alec Baldwin 16!
BRADLEY
(pumping a fist in the air) YES!
JASON
DREAM TEAM!
CHRISTINA 
HA HA! DREAM TEAM!!!

The Pre-Level 2 Break

JEN

(nearly breaking her wine glass with her death grip) I am ever so pleased to be watching you, yet again, move forward first...

BRADLEY

Why thank you Jennifer, it's nice to hear you say such nice and kind words.

JASON

(in a British accent) True dat.

ELLIE

I must say, other than this wine I'm quite sober.

CHRISTINA

And we're all very proud of you.

ED

This is quite nice wine Miss Essenelle, may I inquire as to what the brand is?

CHRISTINA

You may and I would not know the answer.

ED

Ah very well.

PAUL

(raises his glass) Shall we raise our glasses to the last 10 seconds of politeness?

ELLIE

Very well young chap!

BRADLEY

(everyone raises their glasses) Suck my dick. (everyone chugs their wine and smashes their glasses onto the floor and proceeds to start yelling in each other's faces)

LEVEL 2 (BODY)

Physical Challenge, Pain and 

Endurance

JEN

 (takes a card from the pile) Get ready to be trampled. (reads the card) Betsy and Sarah are stuck in a cornfield how do they escape? What the fuck is this?

BRADLEY

(laughs out loud) Oh holy shit I forgot about that one.

ELLIE

Ohh! You’re on level two and you cursed!

BRADLEY

Oh dammit.

CHRISTINA

Bradley!

BRADLEY

Oh f-…shoot.

PAUL

Drink mother fucker! (BRADLEY drinks his beer for five seconds and then glares at ELLIE) Ed, your turn.

ED

Oh right (he reaches over and picks up a card) YES IT’S MINE!

ELLIE

What does it say!

ED

You're in a room with no windows or doors or any way out, the only thing in the room is a mirror, how do you escape?

JASON

Whaaaaat?

ED

Well sons of bitches, you look in the mirror, you see what you saw, you take the saw you cut the mirror in half, two halves make a hole and you use the hole to escape.

JEN

You clever monster.

PAUL AND ED

LEVEL TWO! (they high five and PAUL gets up to get some beers)

CHRISTINA

My turn! First level two card… (she picks up a card from the second deck) oh PSYCH!

JEN AND PAUL

Nooo!

CHRISTINA

Do a back handspring. Thank you superhero movie. (CHRISTINA gets off the rug and takes off her shoes)

JASON

And this is why we’re the dream team.

ELLIE

Psh.

CHRISTINA

Here goes nothing (she backs up about 6 feet and then runs for about a second before doing a cartwheel and then rounding off into a back-hand spring, she sticks the landing to everyone’s cheers)

ED

Despite me being on another team than you…that was pretty cool.

JEN

(muttering to herself) Stupid movie teaching you how to do cool things…

CHRISTINA

One card down, one to go.

ELLIE

Watch out ladies. (the boys oooo at ELLIE as she picks up a level one card) YES IT’S MINE!

JEN

FINALLY!

ELLIE

Make 9 only using 11 lines, and this is pretty cool so you guys should watch. (she gets a piece of paper from a drawer in the kitchen and uses the pencil on the table and draws out six vertical lines next to each other and then spells out the word NINE with the remaining 5 lines) Ta da!

CHRISTINA

Congrats, bitch.

JEN

DRINK!

CHRISTINA

Oh right! Agh (CHRISTINA puts her beer to her lips)

ELLIE

But! Since we’re in level two now, we count.

JASON

(looking sadly at CHRISTINA) Good luck champ.

CHRISTINA

I’ll surely drown in beer.

ELLIE

Ready? (with a beer pursed to her lips she nods. ELLIE and JEN begin to count extremely slow and at first CHRISTINA drinks her beer somewhat quickly but starts to slow down by 3 and waves her arms telling them to stop, ELLIE and JEN quickly say 4 and 5)

CHRISTINA

(gasping for air) I want to curse so badly at the both of you.

BRADLEY

(putting an arm around her) It’s okay, they’re just jealous we’re freaking amazing. (CHRISTINA giggles as BRADLEY pretends to drunkenly eat her air) it’s like a forest…

ED

Alright, level two card! (he picks up a card) Physical challenge… touch toes.

BRADLEY

Oh shit.

CHRISTINA

(hitting him on the arm) Bradley! (he puts his hand over his mouth)

BRADLEY

I have to drink now don’t I?

ED

For 10 seconds because that was a question! (ED touches his toes and stashes the card)

PAUL

The question rule! I forgot about that one.

JASON

Ugghhh, Bradley’s gonna be too drunk to play.

JEN

Oh good then he’ll be tolerable.

PAUL

(BRADLEY holds his beer to his lips and flips the middle finger at JEN) Hey now…ready…set…drink! (BRADLEY drinks for about a minute and a half according to PAUL and ED’s counting. Once he finishes he falls on JASON’s lap) Awww…

BRADLEY

(slurring his words) Is it my turn…

JASON

Yeah bud. (takes a card for BRADLEY) here’s your card.

BRADLEY

Do 20 jumping jacks faster than the other team of your choice. Alright who’s-

CHRISTINA

Don’t ask a question!

BRADLEY

Oh yeah. Alright Ed it’s payback time.

ED

You’re gonna barf.

BRADLEY

Then I’ll be more sober than you!

ED

(everyone laughs) Alright big boy, let’s do it!

ELLIE

I’ll count for Ed.

JEN

I’ll count for Bradley.

CHRISTINA

(the boys stand next to each other and BRADLEY is swaying slightly) Ready? Set…GO! (immediately the boys starting doing jumping jacks furiously. BRADLEY makes it to 12 jumping jacks before running over to the kitchen sink, ED finishes the 20 jumping jacks)

ELLIE

Oh Bradley… (CHRISTINA and JASON rush over to BRADLEY to see if he’s ok, he didn’t throw up in the sink but instead what just there as a precaution)

BRADLEY

I totally thought I was gonna throw up.

CHRISTINA

Well I’m about to throw up over what just happened.

JASON

What?

ED AND PAUL

LEVEL THREE!

BRADLEY

Oh noooo!

The Pre-Level 3 Break

PAUL

Oh I do love a good bourbon.

ED

(pouring his own drink, he twirls the bourbon in his glass and then smells it) Yes, has quite a nice smell to it as well.

BRADLEY

I am so pleased to…uh…pleased.

JEN

Oh it is wonderful to play the game.

PAUL

Three cards for this round is correct I am assuming.

CHRISTINA

You can ask questions during the pre-level break.

JASON

But you must ask them… (in a British accent) properly.

ELLIE

It is also wonderful to be coherent for the game!

CHRISTINA

Shall we lassies?

JASON

We shall! LET THE KILLING COMMENCE! (everyone throws their beer bottles/glasses onto the ground and yell with fury at one another)

LEVEL 3 (SPIRIT)

Public Humiliation and Emotional 

Battery 

JEN

Alright let's get this show on the road kids. (picks up a level two card) Oh I got this one last time, balancing three books on your head while walking back and forth around the room for 2 minutes.

ELLIE

Redeem yourself!

JEN

You got three books, Christ?

CHRISTINA

Yeah hold on (CHRISTINA jumps up and steadiest herself) Woah. (she goes over to her bookshelf and grabs three books and hands them to JEN) Here ya go.

JEN

Thanks girl.

ELLIE

You got it?

JEN

(placing the books on her head) Uhhh...yeah.

JASON

Uh, hold on now. Ellie you asked a question sweet child.

ELLIE

Oh no...

PAUL

DRINK YOUR BEER GIRL! (ELLIE drinks her beer for a solid minute and JASON stops counting)

ELLIE

I was so close to being less of a mess...(everyone laughs)

JASON

Jennifer you may now proceed.

JEN

You talk fancy-like. (she stables herself again) Christina time me!

CHRISTINA

(looking at her iPhone) Go! (JEN walks around the room for the allotted time as ELLIE cheered her on, after the timer finished and JEN didn't drop the books she dropped them on purpose on JASON's lap)

JEN

Who sucks at this game now?

CHRISTINA

QUESTION!

JEN

OH COME ON!

ELLIE

LEVEL THREE, LEVEL THREE!!

BRADLEY

Dreaaamm teaaaaam (JEN drinks her beer for 2 minutes as JASON and CHRISTINA count, BRADLEY has his head on CHRISTINA's leg)

PAUL

Alright...nothing too bad now...(he takes a card from the third pile) Emotional Battery...what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it. Oh my god this is just awful. 

JASON

That's the game, now let us ruin your life. 

PAUL

No! That's really messed up.

CHRISTINA

It's the way of the game, play to win.

PAUL

I'm picking another one.

ELLIE

No just let us tear you heart in half!

PAUL

No...

ED

Paul lives to a higher standard.

BRADLEY

Wimps.

JEN

Then you forfeit your turn, Jason!

JASON

(takes the card from PAUL's hand and places it back in the middle of the deck and then shuffles it. He takes the top card) Sorry man. Endurance! How many sit ups? min 50 to get the card. 

BRADLEY 

FINALLY A CARD WE CAN ACTUALLY DO.

JASON

Haha, yeah. (JASON lays down on his back and starts to do sit-ups)

PAUL

I can't believe you guys were thinking of mentally torturing me.

JEN

We weren't thinking about it, we were obliged to.

CHRISTINA

Who's card was that? It's genius.

ED

Mine.

ELLIE

Nice. (she hiccups)

JASON

33! 

CHRISTINA

Yeah Jason!!

BRADLEY

(sitting up he grabs JASON's knees) Do this one for the children.

JASON

(grunting, he finishes he last sit-up) FIFFFTTYYY!!

CHRISTINA 

LEVEL THREE!!

ED

Finally!

BRADLEY

Shut your mouth!

JASON

(panting on the ground) I'm gonna die playing this game.

ELLIE

Alright, level 3 card! (picks up a card) Get in a closet and french for 3 minutes with a True American pick. (everyone ooooos) Alright everyone on the count of three.

BRADLEY

What now.

CHRISTINA

(she grabs BRADLEY's shoulder up) Put a number on your forehead.

BRADLEY

Ok.

ELLIE

One...Two...Three! (CHRISTINA puts up a five, JEN puts up a four, ED puts up a three, JASON puts up a five, PAUL puts up a four, BRADLEY puts up a three, and ELLIE puts up a five)

JEN

Oooooo Jason and Ellie! 

BRADLEY

You do her right.

CHRISTINA

Treat her like a queen! (ELLIE and JASON get up and head over to the master bedroom closet. ELLIE turns off the lights)

JEN

Oh man she's serious.

ED

Jason's an attractive man.

CHRISTINA

What're you in love with him?

PAUL

Quessstiioooonnn.

CHRISTINA

And I'm chuggin bourbon...

PAUL

I won't do it too bad. (CHRISTINA takes the bottle of bourbon and gives a thumbs up after shaking her head over the situation. She only had to chug it for about 30 seconds) See not too bad.

CHRISTINA

(slurring her words) Oh sweet lord I'm trashed.

BRADLEY

Welcome to my level.

CHRISTINA

I just did like 5 shots. Catch up. 

PAUL

They got another two minutes.

JEN

They're not gonna do anything...

CHRISTINA

I don't know...Ellie's been real sassy tonight. She wants redemption.

PAUL

Jason's a gentleman.

ED

Not when he's drunk.

BRADLEY

Eh, I wouldn't.

JEN

Yeah right.

BRADLEY

I wouldn't, she's not my type.

CHRISTINA

You don't make-up with beautiful funny girls?

BRADLEY

She's too small. 

JEN

Boobs. Of course.

BRADLEY

No! She's just like a small person. I can't explain it.

ED

One more minute. I wanna walk in like a minute before the timer to see if they did anything.

JEN

Ohh!! Yes!

CHRISTINA

Eh you guys go ahead. I'm gonna make the room stop spinning. (JEN, ED, and PAUL go over to the other room, after 10 seconds they all come running back) 

~For Ellie and Jason, I will not post the conversation but instead skip to Ed's turn~
ED
(reading the card his mouth opens in horror) Call up your parents and tell them you hate them. What the heck is wrong with you people! 
JEN
Oh that's mine, I was hoping I'd get that one cause then they would think I was joking.
JASON
Damn.
ED
I'll do it.
ELLIE
Really?!
ED
Yeah, I'm an actour...they won't believe it.
CHRISTINA
Don't break character.
ED
(laughs) Please. (ED takes out his iPhone and after touching the screen a few times he puts it to his ear)
ELLIE
Hold up! (she looks at his phone and sees that it is calling "Mom") Ok he's tellin the truth. Put it on speaker.
JASON
Ellie don't play no games!
ED
(rolling his eyes he presses the button) Now shush. 
ED'S MOM
Ed do you know what time it is?
ED
I know mom but I had a realization.
ED's MOM
Ugh, what is it now?
ED
I hate you?
ED'S MOM
I hate you too. Goodnight. (she hangs up the phone. It's silent at first but then everyone starts laughing)
JASON
That was fuckin perfect.
JEN
Drink!
JASON
Oh Christ. (JEN counts for JASON as he drinks his bourbon for about 45 seconds. CHRISTINA takes a level 3 card)
CHRISTINA
Gotta be more careful Jason...tell us your deepest darkest secret. (everyone ooo's)

JEN
I bet I know it already.
CHRISTINA
I can promise you, you don't. 
JEN
Really?
CHRISTINA
The only person that knows of my deepest darkest secret is Julian, and it will end with him. Sorry folks. 
ED
Aw come on! I just told my mom I hated her!
CHRISTINA
Hey, if it makes you feel better I'd do the same but actually mean it. 
ELLIE
SAY IT!
CHRISTINA
Nope. 
PAUL
Christinaaa....
BRADLEY
Hey she doesn't wanna do it, Ellie take a card. 
JEN
(ELLIE takes a card and after reading it takes off her shirt) Uh, Ellie?
ELLIE
The card says get naked for all of us to see and take pics that we get to keep on our phones forever so...
PAUL
Shut...up.
ELLIE
(she slips off her skirt) I'm not wimping out this time. And the next time we play we need to have a champion go this far as well.
JEN
Go Ellie!
JASON
Yeah!!
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA takes out her iPhone as do the others) Alright well I always wanted some pics of you on my blog...
ELLIE
Hey, on your phone only!
CHRISTINA
(she laughs)I know I'm joking. Wow, now I'm gonna have naked pics of Bradley and Ellie on my phone.
ELLIE
(she takes off her bra and underwear) Make it quick! (everyone snaps a picture of her and then she starts redressing herself)
JEN
One more card to win!!
PAUL
Let's see if I'll actually do the next one...(picks up a card) Swing your dick around to Gangam Style or if a girl boobs. (everyone bursts out laughing)
JASON
You have to do it! (PAUL takes off his pants)
PAUL
Oh I'll do it. (all the girls scream)
JEN
Yes!!
CHRISTINA
Oh my God Paul I love you. (she plays Gangnam Style on her phone and PAUL takes off his boxers)
JEN
I'm so happy I wrote this one.
PAUL
I apologize if it gets hard (the music starts and so does he, the girls are in fits of giggles while BRADLEY and ED are covering their eyes, JASON is clapping and is laughing on the ground)
ED
Anything for a card...
BRADLEY
Does he have to do the whole song?
ELLIE
Shut up! GO PAUL!! (PAUL is having the time of his life and is also dancing and singing to the song, the girls are dancing as well while the guys bury their heads under pillows) 
CHRISTINA
(laughing hysterically) Oh I'm crying! 
JEN
I can't breath...go Paul!! (the song ends and PAUL puts his boxers back on)
PAUL
One more to finish. 
ED
I'm proud of you man.
CHRISTINA
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life, you're a gem. 
JASON
Alright Bradley get us a card! (BRADLEY takes a card) 
BRADLEY
Aw it's the one Paul had: what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it. I hate that I'm not taken seriously. Go you have a minute.
JEN
Obviously you're not taken seriously as an actor cause you're just some pretty boy who thinks acting is looking at a camera with your baby blue eyes.
ELLIE
Seriously. You skated your way through acting school probably because girls just wanted to be in scenes with you and you've been with so many trashy women that you're so used to just faking relationships and emotions.
JASON
Maybe people would take you more seriously if you were in an actually good movie, and not some BS one like the hangover.
ED
No no no the hangover was supposed to be a good movie until we hear Bradley Cooper was going to be playing the part. But then again the part is for an asshole playboy so who else could fit the bill really.
CHRISTINA
Maybe if you did something good with your life like getting a real job and working for your pay instead of just smiling and looking pretty, maybe then people would say "Oh he actually did something for this"
PAUL
The only reason why you keep getting booked for movies is because girls go to see them only to watch you take your shirt off, has anyone ever had a serious emotional reaction to any of your movies? Nope.
ELLIE
It's sad really, to think that someone as stupid and worthless as you can be a millionaire just because of genetics.
JEN
Well what can you expect? All playboys are stupid. But at least Matt McConaughey makes fun of himself for it-
BRADLEY
That's time, thanks f-ers.
JASON
(hugging BRADLEY) Love you.
BRADLEY
(laughing) Yeah yeah. Ellie you are kicking butt tonight.
ELLIE
(in a masculine voice) Yeah!
JEN
(takes a card) Let's see how crazy tonight's gonna get...Get a body shot done off your stomach via true american pick. I'll do it, fingers up on three people! (JEN put up a three, ED put up a two, JASON put up a three, BRADLEY put up a two, PAUL put up a five, ELLIE put up a one, and CHRISTINA put up a one)
ED
Jen and Jason!
PAUL
Jason's a lucky man tonight.
JASON
(CHRISTINA gives JASON a shot of bourbon and JEN laid down and lifted up her shirt) Oh man, tonight is my lucky night.
JEN
(laughs) Do it so Ellie and I can win!
JASON
Oh then I'll make this hell. 
JEN
Agh, okay. Haha. (JASON pours the shot into her belly button and a slightly above it as well) Ahh it's cold!
JASON
Stay still. 

~Use your imagination kids, but man was it hilarious~

JEN
(getting up from the ground) Hot damn, ELLIE WE JUST WON.
ELLIE
FUCK YES! (the two girls start screaming and jumping up and down)
CHRISTINA
But who will get second place?
ED
Gee I wonder...(picks up a card) Tell us your deepest darkest secret. Well Paul, it's not gonna be us.
PAUL
Aw come on!
JASON
(pushes ED back and takes a card from the deck) Shut up losers. what's the one thing you hate about yourself and let us pick on you for it, alright make fun of the way I look!
ELLIE
We don't play, right? Cause we're winners? Cause you all suck so much that we fucking beat you.
BRADLEY
Calm down, Ellie. No you don't play, and it's a good thing too because Jason is too much of a fat fuck to even give you guys enough room to play.
PAUL
I've know Jason for quite some time and never have I felt so alienated...and just by his height. 
CHRISTINA
I feel bad for the camera man on How I met Your Mother, can you imagine how annoying it must be to zoom all the way in for Alyson Hannigan and then to zoom all the way out for Jason?
BRADLEY
I can't even imagine him having kids cause they would just view him as this monstrous giant and kill themselves effective immediately.
ED
Think of how inconvenient you'll be to your family after you die, the grave is going to have to be six times the regular length of one.
PAUL
And width.
ED
And width. 
JASON
That's time and THAT'S ANOTHER CARD FOR US!
PAUL
Well yeah but we have two cards and this will be the winning one...(takes a card) Tell us your deepest darkest-GOD DAMNIT!
CHRISTINA
DRINK!
ED
AGH.
JASON
WE CAN GET SECOND GUYS.
JEN
You're all ridiculous.
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA picks up a card while BRADLEY and JASON count for PAUL) FASHION SHOW IN THE STREET LET'S GO! (CHRISTINA runs to her closet and everyone follows her. When they reach the closet everyone picks out their ridiculous outfit of choice for CHRISTINA to prance down the street in. They all leave the house and CHRISTINA struts her way down a block, looking absolutely stupid. She does the second outfit as well just for good measure as everyone cheers. Once she's done everyone returns back inside)
JASON
NOW WE'RE TIED.
ED
I swear if we get deepest darkest secret again...
ELLIE
I think there are two cards that say that.
CHRISTINA
Oh well, Ed!

Now I wish I could divulge into what Ed did to win his final card but it is so weird that I won't say, but it does involve a yellow fruit. So Ed and Paul won second place, Bradley, Jason and I got third and Ellie and Jen got first. So winners first game became losers second game and losers first game became winners second game. And Ed will forever remain in second place. After the game Bradley passed out in my bed and Ed passed out on the couch, Jason, Ellie, Jen, Paul, and I went into the jacuzzi for a bit and then Jen and I went inside, Jen fell asleep in one of the guest bedrooms and I went to my room. I woke up the next morning to find a note from Jason saying that he went home before I woke up and he thanked me for a great night. Paul was on the chair outside wrapped up in a towel looking like a burrito, and Ellie was in another one of my guest bedrooms. I always wake up pretty early so I made pancakes and then left because (I work m-th) so I assumed the people would wake up, eat pancakes, and then leave. 

Boy was I wrong. 

Stupidly I forgot my phone at my house because I was in a slight hurry to get outta there (waking up to Bradley Cooper in your bed is a little freaky) and so I was at work all day and then when I got home (remember, Jen is usually at my house) no one was there. So I figured everyone left and Jen was out doing something. After an hour of eating food and watching TV I left for my physical therapy appointment (it's about an hour long) and then returned home to Jen, Bradley, Ellie, Paul, and Ed in a circle on their cell phones (it's about 7 o'clock at night by this point) 

CHRISTINA

Oh, hey guys!

JEN

(everyone turns around and is shocked) Where the fuck were you!?

CHRISTINA

(joking) Oh, now you have to drink!

JEN

I'm not fucking joking where were you?!

BRADLEY

We were worried sick!

ED

Why didn't you answer your phone?

CHRISTINA

It's somewhere in this house, why? What'd you need me for?

ELLIE

We thought you vanished!

CHRISTINA

(confused, she turns to JEN) Jen I work today, you know this.

JEN

You weren't here like an hour ago either!

CHRISTINA

I had physical therapy!

PAUL

(throwing his head back he sighs) Man...do I feel stupid now.

CHRISTINA

What'd you guys do?

BRADLEY

We basically just lived out the plot of The Hangover.

CHRISTINA

Oh God.

ELLIE

We were checking pockets and notes and we called Jason cause he left early this morning for some reason...

JEN

We went to Jason's house to see if he kidnapped you or something.

BRADLEY

Then everyone got mad at me cause they thought I did something to you...

ED

It's just been a crazy day... (ELLIE goes up to CHRISTINA and hugs her)

ELLIE

But you're alive now so...wanna get drive through?

CHRISTINA

Yes I'm starving!

PAUL

Taco Bell it is!

By the way:


I have a perfect view of Bradley from my office window



it's annoying.