1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Jen Lawrence AT 22:12PM <Come over to my place with someone else and tell them to invite someone else.>
*1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Christina Essenelle AT 22:14PM <For what? Does it matter who?>
1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Jen Lawrence AT 22:18PM <Celebrity Game Night, make it someone you don't hang out with all the time.>
*1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Christina Essenelle AT 22:20PM <Alright...see you in 15?>
1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Jen Lawrence AT 22:23PM <Doors open.>
*1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Christina Essenelle AT 22:24PM <Sounds safe.>
1 NEW MESSAGE FROM Jen Lawrence AT 22:24PM <It is. COME OVER.> So I think long and hard of people who I don't see and hang out with on a regular basis and call up Paul Rudd because based on the last time I hung out with Jen it was a raging party so of course I chose Paul. He parties hard. After passing along the instructions to Paul he then invited Jason Segal (he hosted SNL last season) so Jason and Paul met up with me in the 30 Rock parking garage (which is close to 30 Rock) and we all got in my sweet car (that I sadly never drive) and went to Jen's. When we got there Bradley Cooper (hosted SNL 2 seasons before me), Ed Helms (hosted SNL my first season), and Ellie Kemper (hasn't hosted SNL yet) were there all talking and the second my posse entered
JEN
Finally! Alright. Game time. (JEN goes over to her closet and takes out three board games) We've got Scrabble?
JASON
Wait, can I just-(to ELLIE) Hi, I'm Jason.
ELLIE
(she giggles) Oh, yeah. Hi, everyone I'm Ellie.
BRAD
(nodding and giving a little wave) Brad.
CHRISTINA
X-Tina.
PAUL
Shut the fuck up Christina (everyone laughs) I'm Paul.
JEN
Jen, and this is my house. Don't call me Jennifer.
CHRISTINA
You know you love it.
JEN
Our rule starts now.
ED
And I'm Ed, (claps) let's play some games!
JEN
I got scrabble!
JASON
Oh God knows I can't spell.
ELLIE
Yeah, plus there are seven of us.
JEN
I got Life.
CHRISTINA
Eh, the only point of playing that game is that you get married to one of the people playing the game.
PAUL
(sarcastically) Oh is that how it works?
CHRISTINA
Haha, yeah.
ELLIE
Oh, if we want to take it back to high school terms we could play 10 fingers. (the group looks confused then BRAD has a realization)
BRAD
Oh, never have I ever? (everyone "ohs" in recognition)
ELLIE
Yeah.
JEN
Oh hell YEAH we're playing that game.
~For the sake of my ass I am not going into the specifics of this game, but I will skip to the end. If you're reading this Brad, Ed, Ellie, Jen, Jason, and Paul...you're welcome~
JEN
Alright drinking rules are first two who lose take 3 shots within 5 minutes, the next 3 take 2 shots within 3 minutes, and the last two take one shot.
BRAD
Alright Jason, 3 SHOTS!
JASON
I always win at this game.
ELLIE
Yes, "win"
PAUL
Well yeah, when has being a little bitch mean you're a winner?
ELLIE
Well all I know is that Ed and I were the last two so...ha!
CHRISTINA
Oh Ellie, I do adore your sweet naivete.
JEN
(pouring everyone shots) Your lucky I just bought a shot glass today cause I only had six.
JASON
Oh you shoulda asked me to bring some. I got ones that strap to your hand. It's pretty cool.
ED
(to JEN) Here let me help you.
CHRISTINA
If this night isn't merit for a drunk friend card I don't know what is.
BRAD
Oh shit's definitely gonna get crazy. If I'm taking three shots off the bat? Definitely gonna be a good night.
JEN
(carrying the shots with ED) Everyone grab your glass...(everyone has a glass in their hand) alright, to a great night!
BRAD
Let's get crazy.
EVERYONE
CHEERS! (everyone downs their shot and there are a few groans)
BRAD
Oh Jesus what is that?
JEN
60 proof is what that is.
JASON
Goddamn, am I taking three shots of this?
PAUL
You signed up for a crazy night, my friend.
CHRISTINA
Jen I'm glad you hosted SNL.
JEN
Even though I was awful?
CHRISTINA
Okay, I'm glad you said that. Because you decided to be an actress on the show instead of a comedian. And people didn't get it.
ELLIE
Wait, am I the only one here who hasn't hosted SNL?
CHRISTINA
Uh...yeah I think so. Well then again I haven't hosted either!
JASON
Don't worry you're not missing out.
CHRISTINA
(playfully punches JASON) Shut up, jerk.
BRAD
(to CHRISTINA) Hey when am I hosting again?
CHRISTINA
Literally whenever you want. We have people back out all the time.
ED
Oh yeah, the only reason I hosted was because I was a back-up to Daniel Craig.
CHRISTINA
Everyone who works in 30 Rock is basically a back-up. Last season so many people backed out I think we had Jimmy Fallon host 3 times. (everyone laughs and then a timer goes off)
JEN
SHOT NUMBER TWO!
CHRISTINA
Aw yeah! (ED pours five shots and hands them to BRAD, JASON, PAUL, CHRISTINA, and JEN) To our poor livers!
EVERYONE
CHEERS! (all those down their shots and CHRISTINA immediately sticks out her tongue and gets a cup from the cupboard)
CHRISTINA
Oh fuck I need a chaser.
BRAD
Awwwww little baby.
CHRISTINA
Fuck off, I'm awesome.
JEN
Yeah, pour me one. That taste in my mouth is not good...(CHRISTINA hands JEN her cup and they both drink) I will take the little bitch title. I'm okay with it.
ELLIE
What do you guys wanna do after this?
PAUL
We could play another drinking game.
JASON
I like that idea, we could play some pong?
BRAD
Eh, too college.
JEN
Oh! Do any of you guys watch New Girl?
CHRISTINA
WAIT. (to JEN) I know what you wanna do, and we're not playing True American. But we should play CharDee MacDennis.
ED
Oh man I loved that episode.
BRAD
You're gonna have to explain cause I haven't seen it.
PAUL
Yeah me neither.
JEN
Christina, yes. But it's super hard to explain...should we just watch the episode?
CHRISTINA
I have a netflix account so we might as well. It's like 21 minutes long. (timer goes off)
ED, ELLIE, AND JEN
SHOTS!
JASON
(looking over to BRAD with a smile) Oh what're we doing. (JEN hands them both shots)
BRAD
(clinking his shot glass to JASON's) Making memories.
JASON
And losing others. (they down their shots) PLAY THE TELEVISION!
~After 21 minutes of an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode, we decide to play the game~
~For those who haven't seen the episode and don't have a netflix account let me explain (I'm going to explain how we're playing it which isn't 100% the same way the cast played it):
There are three levels, the first level is Mind (Trivia, Puzzles, and Artisry), the second level is Body (Physical Challenge, Pain, and Endurance), and the third level is Spirit (Emotional Battery and Public Humiliation). The point of the game is to finish all the levels and at the end you get to smash the losers game pieces. Speaking of which, game pieces are action figures/dolls of the players choice. The players are in teams of two (but since we had seven people there was a team of three) and to get from one round to the next you have to collect 2 cards (2 challenges/activities). First level the drink to chug/sip is wine, level two is beer, and the third level is some form of hard liquor (our form was vodka). And before each level there is a one minute period of gentlemanly-ness where we wish each other good luck, and the second the minute is over we chug our drink and then smash our glasses on the ground.
JEN
(getting pen and paper from her desk drawer she passes out them out to everyone) Okay so since we didn't make this game three years ago we should all write down one thing for each category. So, everyone write one trivia question, one artistry question, one puzzle question, one physical challenge, one pain challenge, one endurance challenge, one emotional battery challenge, and one public humiliation challenge. I'm gonna make the board.
CHRISTINA
Everyone write one artistry, trivia, and puzzle question and then I'll reiterate the rest.
JASON
Wait, but we need game pieces!
ELLIE
Oh right...Jen you wouldn't happen to have dolls or action figures would you?
JEN
No. We could just drive to Toys 'R Us!
ED
Oh, like any of us are okay to drive!
CHRISTINA
Someone in here has got to have a driver. (no one speaks, then BRAD sighs)
BRAD
Yeah I've got a driver...
JEN
Ha! You rich bitch.
BRAD
Okay miss penthouse. (she sticks her tongue out at him)
CHRISTINA
(she looks to the others and they are looking at BRAD and JEN and are rolling their eyes) Okay it's gonna be me who asks, are you two together?
JEN
(they both laugh) No we just like joking around that we are. He's like 50 years old.
BRAD
And she's about 5 so...it'd be a little weird.
CHRISTINA
(laughs) Okay, just wanted to make sure.
BRAD
So I already texted my driver and he says he's close so let's go down now.
PAUL
Wait, I cannot be seen in a Toys 'R Us buying action figures unless I'm donating them to poor children.
ED
True.
JEN
I got lots of sunglasses and hats y'all.
CHRISTINA
Rockin'
~We all head downstairs after covering ourselves up and meet with Brad's driver and get in the limo, Brad goes up front and tells the driver to go to the nearest Toys 'R Us. On the way we listen to my CONFIDENTIAL party playlist and rock out with our cocks concealed. We finally reach Toys 'R Us not even realizing the time and it's closed~
PAUL
No! Why didn't we think this far ahead.
JASON
Well I had more drinks in me at the time but my buzz is fading quick. WE NEED A PICK-UP.
BRAD
Well you guys are in luck because I always carry a nice bourbon in my personal limousine.
CHRISTINA
You're so proud of it too. (BRAD passes the bottle of bourbon around the car and everyone takes a swig) Oh that's nice actually.
BRAD
I don't sleep on my hard liquor.
ED
Does anybody have any friends with small children?
JEN
No...
PAUL
Yeah I don't know...
CHRISTINA
Hmm, I'm gonna try my friend. (CHRISTINA takes out her phone and calls up her friend NOEL FIELDING)
NOEL
Hey, what's up?
CHRISTINA
Oh good you're up. Hey I know this is a weird question but you're the only person who might have it. Do you have any dolls or action figures.
NOEL
(laughs) You're lucky the new Boosh toys came in a few weeks ago.
CHRISTINA
Shut-up!
JASON
He has some!?
CHRISTINA
(nodding her head to JASON) Alright can I come over in 5 minutes and steal 7 of them?
NOEL
They're practically yours, sure.
CHRISTINA
Awesome, you're the best Noel. (she hangs up the phone) WE GOT OUR ACTION FIGURES!
BRAD
Who had them?
CHRISTINA
My friend Noel Fielding, we were on The Mighty Boosh together, it's a BBC show.
BRAD
Oh, cool.
~I then tell the driver where Noel lives and we head over and get the Mighty Boosh figurines (Bollo, Naboo, Vince, Howard, and Stephanie) and then return to Jen's and finish writing all the cards. This takes us about an hour~
JEN
Okay, all we need to do now is pick our action figures and then pick our teams. I say we do a True American team picking strategy.
CHRISTINA
Oh yeah! So that's where we count to three and we put a number of fingers on our head, like, okay, Jen do it with me. One, two, three. (JEN puts three fingers to her forehead and CHRISTINA puts up one)
JEN
So we wouldn't be on the same team together.
ELLIE
But we all do it at the same time?
JEN
Yeah. Okay, everyone ready? One, two, three-(everyone quickly puts a number to their head, CHRISTINA puts up a two, JASON puts up a five, ELLIE puts up a three, JEN puts up a three, ED puts up a five, BRAD puts up a two, and PAUL puts up a one.)
CHRISTINA
Who's got two? BRAD!
BRAD
Oh we're dominating these bitches, how good is your tolerance level?
CHRISTINA
It's... radical.
JEN
Paul you can join our group, there needs to be a group of three anyway.
PAUL
Ladies team! Suck it dudes.
JASON
Okay Ed, I'm 6"4 we got this in the bag. I'll take the little indian guy as my action figure (Naboo).
CHRISTINA
I get me!
BRAD
I'll take the not gay one (Howard).
JEN
Gorilla please (Bollo)!
ELLIE
I want a Christina one! (Stephanie)
PAUL
I'll take the gay one please. (Vince)
ED
I'll have the same one as Brad. (Howard)
CHRISTINA
I get me!
BRAD
I'll take the not gay one (Howard).
JEN
Gorilla please (Bollo)!
ELLIE
I want a Christina one! (Stephanie)
PAUL
I'll take the gay one please. (Vince)
ED
I'll have the same one as Brad. (Howard)
JEN
Alright, obviously the rules from the show are in effect. So, let the games begin!
The Pregame Wine and Cheese
Reception
CHRISTINA
(to JEN) Good luck fair maiden.
JEN
Ah, yes, and to you madame.
JASON
I wish thee all the best of luck.
ELLIE
Oh yes, I do fancy this wine and your company.
ED
You are all riveting chaps, oh yes indeed.
PAUL
Jen, my lady, how is the time?
JEN
30 seconds till my British accent may retire.
JASON
Oh but it is so pleasing, as is this red wine. (everyone mmms in agreement and sips their wine)
JEN
Alright 10 seconds. Ladies and Gentlemen! (everyone raises their wine glass) Point your glass shards that way, and fuck you all. (her timer goes off and everyone finishes their wine in one gulp and throws their glasses in the kitchen, they shatter. Once they shatter everyone starts yelling and screaming at each other. After they get into their teams and circle around the table where all the cards are located) Since it's my house I'll go first, here Ellie and Paul roll this dice, whoever gets the higher number will go after me and that'll be our team order.
ELLIE
(rolls the dice) 3.
PAUL
(rolls the dice) 5! Alright so after the other two teams go I'll go.
JEN
Yeah other two teams roll to see who goes after me.
CHRISTINA
I'll roll for us. (rolls the dice) 6 bitches!
JASON
Gimme that, (rolls the dice) 3. Damn.
BRAD
Yeah X-Tina!
LEVEL 1 (MIND)
Trivia, Puzzles and Artistry
ED
Alright Jen pick your card.
JEN
(she picks up a card from the level one deck) Artistry! Okay, it's one of those write on the back guessing ones. So since Brad's team is up next.
BRAD
(to CHRISTINA) I'll draw on your back. (JEN and BRAD put a piece of paper on PAUL and CHRISTINA's back, JASON has the timer)
JASON
Aaaaannnd, GO! (JEN and BRAD begin to write on CHRISTINA and PAUL's backs)
PAUL
A ball? A circle? A-
CHRISTINA
The moon? OH it's a rock.
JASON
Ding! Correct.
JEN
How did you get that?
ELLIE
AH, JEN!
BRAD
OH BITCHES! Drink for five seconds!
JEN
What!
JASON
You asked a question!
JEN
Oh Jesus. Sorry guys. (JEN, ELLIE, and PAUL drink their wine for five seconds)
CHRISTINA
Ha ha, AND it was my card.
BRAD
(high fives CHRISTINA) Nice!
CHRISTINA
Alright our turn, (CHRISTINA picks up a card) Puzzle! You're in a room with no windows or doors or any way out, the only thing in the room is a mirror, how do you escape?
BRAD
What the fuck is this.
CHRISTINA
Oh no I've heard this one before...oh it's so stupid. Oh you look in the mirror you see what you saw you take the saw you cut the mirror in half, two halves make a hole and you use the hole to escape.
ED
That is correct.
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA and BRAD high five) YEAH BOI! LEVEL TWO!
JASON
Alright my turn, (he picks up a card) Trivia! What does Brad prefer, ladies or women? Oh come on!
BRAD
(laughing) Oh my God I was so much drunker when I wrote that. Well hey at least you got a 50/50 shot.
JASON
Is it...ladies?
BRAD
(pauses) I actually don't remember, just keep the card.
JASON AND ED
AAAHHH YEAH! (they both high five)
JASON
Scores are Jason and Ed 1, Christina and Brad two, Jen and Ellie and Paul 0...!
PAUL
Alright, I'm gonna get us some points guys! (picks up a card) Artistry! Paint Jen's nails, she'll determine if you've done a good enough job to get the card.
JEN
(laughs) Oh this'll be easy you're on my team. I'll get the nail polish. (JEN runs off to her bathroom and gets red nail polish, PAUL hastily puts it on not wanting the timer to go out)
PAUL
Done!
JEN
Perfect!
CHRISTINA
Psh, okay you got one card.
ELLIE
Don't cry about it, girl!
BRAD
(raises an eyebrow) We'll ignore that comment. Gimme! (BRAD picks up a card) Artistry again, damn. Oh but it's my card! Put on make-up, versus next player whoever looks sexier wins, determined by me.
ELLIE
Oh man, two boys in make-up. I'm liking the outcome of tonight so far. (CHRISTINA, JASON, and PAUL laugh)
JEN
You guys are gonna ruin my make-up. Ugh, whatever. FOR DRINKING!
BRAD
FOR DRINKING! (JEN runs to the bathroom and gets her make-up bag, she dumps out her bag on the floor and JASON and CHRISTINA get ready to put it on their team mate)
JEN
Alright, begin! (CHRISTINA and JASON rush to put on eye liner, blush, eye shadow, lipstick, mascara, lip liner, concealer, foundation and anything else they can find on the floor to make over BRAD and ED, after two minutes and lots of laughs from the other players JEN yells) Time's up!
ED
What would my mother say...
ELLIE
I don't know Andy you look kinda cute!
PAUL
Haaaaaah, The Office jokes...
BRAD
Well Ed you do look beautiful however I am the judge and I am far superior. Which means...
CHRISTINA
LEVEL TWO MOTHER FUCKERS! (BRAD and CHRISTINA start squawking like chickens in everyone else's faces while JASON and ED drink their wine because of their failure)
The Pre-Level 2 Break
JEN
Feel free to get beer out of the fridge you sons of bitches.
CHRISTINA
Oh with pleasure my dear lady.
JASON
Oh do watch out for the glass. Or don't. (he giggles to ED)
ED
Don't fret my dear Jason, we only need two more cards.
PAUL
Ah, but so do we good lords.
ELLIE
I do enjoy this wine.
BRAD
By the way, we only need two cards to advance to level three. Just thought I'd point that out my chaps!
JASON
Ah yes, the game do doth get confusing.
JEN
Alright bitches, let's get it on. (everyone downs their drink and then smashes it in the kitchen, then they all scream and yell)
LEVEL 2 (BODY)
Physical Challenge, Pain and
Endurance
ED
(takes a card) Rockin' level one with a belly full of wine, Oh! Puzzle! It's just a maze. (completes it with ease) Done! Suck it brothas!
JASON
ONE MORE CARD ASS FUCKS.
ELLIE
Yeah yeah whatever. (takes out a card) Puzzle! Betsy and Sarah are stuck in a cornfield how do they escape?
BRAD
(laughs hysterically) Oh man how drunk was I for this?
ELLIE
DRINK FOR FIVE SECONDS THAT WAS A QUESTION!
BRAD
Oh please it was a rhetorical one!
PAUL
Drink bitches! (CHRISTINA and BRAD drink their beer for five seconds)
JEN
(looking at the card, to BRAD) Is there even an answer to this one?
CHRISTINA
OHHH!!! ANOTHER QUESTION JEN!
JEN
OH YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!
JASON
Drink for five seconds!
ED
You'd think she'd learn...(ELLIE, PAUL, and JEN drink their wine for five seconds)
PAUL
You are getting me drunk off wine. Damn.
BRAD
Oh yeah, by the way there definitely is.
ELLIE
Brad you're the worst. Is the answer she...(easily gives up) climbed on top of the corn and ran out that way?
BRAD
Damn. Yeah.
PAUL AND JEN
OOOHHHH!!!! TWO CARDS! TWO CARDS!
CHRISTINA
Alright calm down you level one-ers. Lemme get a card (she picks up a card from the level two pile) Physical Challenge! Arm wrestle Paul, unless I get this card, then arm wrestle Christina. Thanks dick.
PAUL
Easy. Bring it. (CHRISTINA and PAUL lock their elbows on the table and look intensely into each others eyes)
CHRISTINA
You dead bitch.
JEN
(with timer) Aaaaannnd...GO! (their arms stay steady for about 15 seconds, BRAD is cheering on CHRISTINA, ELLIE and JEN are shouting cheers to PAUL. Soon CHRISTINA begins to budge and PAUL takes the lead and then slams her hand down. JEN, ELLIE, and PAUL cheer loudly) WHAT IS IT BITCHES LEVEL TWO!
BRAD
You gave it your best.
CHRISTINA
Ugh. (CHRISTINA and BRAD drink their beer because of their failure and JEN's team finishes their wine and JEN grabs three beers from the fridge)
JEN
Welcome to level two my team.
PAUL
Aww, Jason don't look too sad.
JASON
It's my turn now so I won't. (picks up a card from the level one pile) We will never get trivia, Puzzle! It's another maze. (he finishes it quickly) NOW WE'RE ALL IN LEVEL TWO DICK HEADS.
CHRISTINA
GOD DAMMIT.
JEN
(picks up a card) Physical challenge! Balancing three books on your head while walking back and forth around the room for 2 minutes. (JEN gets up while throwing the timer at CHRISTINA) Let's do this.
ELLIE
Go Jen!
PAUL
First point for level two!
JEN
(she takes three books from her bookcase and sets them on top of her head, they are immediately unsteady) Shit.
CHRISTINA
Tell me when to go.
JEN
Okay go. (JEN slowly walks across the room and after a minute of cheering and encouragement from her team and discouragement from everyone else she drops the books)
PAUL AND ELLIE
Aww, damn.
BRAD
Woo woo! Level two ain't so easy, huh newbie?
ED
QUESTION DUMBASS!
CHRISTINA
BRAD YOU BITCH.
BRAD
Ah shit sorry. (BRAD and CHRISTINA drink their beer again for five seconds) Okay my turn. (picks up a card from the pile) Physical Challenge again, man. Ha! My drunk card. Touch toes.
ED
What! Come on!
CHRISTINA
Don't cry level two noobs! (BRAD touches his toes and keeps the card) Boo-hoo bitches.
ED
(takes a level two card) Endurance! How many push-ups. (basically endurance is against whomever you True American get stuck with) Okay Jen, Ellie and Paul. One, two, three. (JEN has a four on her forehead, PAUL has a two, ELLIE has a five and ED has a four)
JASON
Ed and Jen I'll be counting. Okay, and go! (ED and JEN begin doing push-ups and JEN isn't doing very well from the bat and gives up at around 8, ED goes on to do 14. JASON holds up ED's arm) Winner winner chicken dinner. Drink bitches.
PAUL
(PAUL, ELLIE, and JEN drink their beer for five seconds, ELLIE is starting to become noticeably drunk) Have faith in me team. (he picks up a card) Oh man. Pain. (reads the card and groins) You flinch you lose like on the show but we're throwing glasses at you.
JASON
Ha ha, this is my card.
PAUL
You ass.
JASON
Get to the wall!
JEN
(goes to her cupboard and takes out 6 glasses) I say we each get one, that sounds fair for an unfair game.
PAUL
Be gentle...(his back against the wall his stares down his first thrower ELLIE who throws it at him but misses, he doesn't flinch. Next is JEN, CHRISTINA, BRAD, and he flinches at none of them. But then JASON steps up to bat and throws the wine glass and it shatters right next to his ear and he darts away)
JASON
Oh can't take my card, huh, wimp?
PAUL
(laughing) I hope so much that you get a pain card.
CHRISTINA
And I hope I really don't. (picks up a card) GODDAMNIT, Pain. Blast Rebecca Blacks Friday in ears five times. Oh please. Easy. (CHRISTINA puts the headphones in and plays the song and it is really loud but it's manageable. After five plays she takes her card)
ED
Go ahead.
CHRISTINA
Oh no give me a second.
BRAD
I'm curious Christina.
CHRISTINA
Well don't ask a question about it.
BRAD
Oh no I won't, but I just realized something.
CHRISTINA
And I did too, oh shit Brad, WE MADE IT TO LEVEL THREE.
BRAD
(he screams and picks CHRISTINA up with one arm and they both make chicken noises at the other players) WHAT UP!
The Pre-Level 3 Break
CHRISTINA
Jen I hope you won't mind me taking your Tequila.
JEN
Oh no not at all my dearest.
ELLIE
This beer is quite delicious.
JASON
We must also remember that people in level three cannot curse.
BRAD
And we must remember that people in level three get to count when you ask a question.
PAUL
Oh so much fun I'm having getting drunk with you all.
ED
For real guys, we should do this again.
ELLIE
We should make our own name for the game.
JEN
I call the first name!
CHRISTINA
Girls get first name boys get last name?
JASON
Last name is JASAULAD.
BRAD
(laughs) Sounds great.
ELLIE
Aaannddd JENTINALIE?
CHRISTINA
Ha ha, the name of the game is Jentinalie Jasaulad. We're drunk guys.
JEN
True, time's up. Suck my dick. (CHRISTINA BRAD chug their tequila and smash their glass while the others chug their beer and smash it in the kitchen)
LEVEL 3 (SPIRIT)
Public Humiliation and Emotional
Battery
JASON
(taking a card from the pile) No pain, no pain, no pain (he looks at the card) Pain!? play that knife hand game 5 rounds. I don't know how to play the knife game. TEACH ME.
ED
Here-
JASON
That was your card...! Not a question. Just saying that it was.
CHRISTINA
It's ok. I'm too drunk to care.
ED
It's where you put your hand on a table a you stab the knife in between all of your fingers. So this (ED stabs the table quickly in between his fingers from left to right) is one round.
JASON
Can I forfeit the card. I'm sorry.
ED
No! Just give it one try, you stab yourself and then we'll stop.
ELLIE
(drunkenly) Sound logic...
BRAD
Ellie for your sake I hope you don't have to drink anymore.
PAUL
She's too skinny to play this game.
JASON
Alright I'll do it. (everyone cheers, JASON holds the knife above his giant hand and then mentally counts himself down. He nods and then screams while stabbing in between his fingers. He completes one round with no injury. He goes again and slices the side of his ring finger) AH FUCK!
ED
You're fine keep going! (JASON does the next two rounds without injury) Yeah boy just one more! (JASON concentrates before starting and then screams and begins again, he lightly punctures the middle of his middle finger but finishes the level)
JASON
Ow, ow, ow band-aids anyone! Oh and suck it losers, we're on level three!
CHRISTINA
I have some in my pocketbook hold on (CHRISTINA goes into her pocketbook and hands JASON some band-aids) Here you go. (JASON takes them and hastily puts them on his fingers, everyone then looks over to ELLIE who is half away and is leaning on the wall for stability)
BRAD
(to CHRISTINA) It's her turn.
ED
Why don't we let her sleep and you guys can just be a team of 2 from now on.
PAUL
Yeaaaaah. So Jen go ahead.
JEN
Whatever more drinking for me. (as JEN is picking up a card ED takes ELLIE to the couch and lays her down) Endurance! You and another see who can hold their breath longer, true american rules apply. Alright ready, one, two, three! (CHRISTINA puts a two to her forehead, BRAD a one, JASON a two, ED at three, and JEN a one)
CHRISTINA
Oh don't fuck this up for us, Brad!
JASON
Drink young lady! No cursing on level three! (CHRISTINA and BRAD groan and put their drinks to their lips)
ED
Oh but since we're on level three, we get to count.
BRAD
Christina I truly hate you.
ED AND JASON
Oneeeeeeeeeeeee(CHRISTINA and BRAD slowly drink their tequila while ED and JASON drag out their five seconds) twooooooooo, threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, fouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur, five! (CHRISTINA and BRAD gasp and slam their drinks down on the table)
BRAD
And now I gotta hold my breath...I won't, I won't...so...a bucket we shall use...
JEN
I'll ignore that clear question, and yeah I've got a bin hold on. (JEN goes and gets a bin from her closet and puts it in the sink and fills it with water, to ED) Hey Ed. (she points to ELLIE)
ED
Yeah she'll be fine, just drunk.
PAUL
You know, the usual. (BRAD goes over to JEN to help her with the water bin and they place it on the table)
JASON
I'll time it, on your marks, get set-
JEN
Wait! My hair-(she puts her hair in a ponytail) Ok I'm ready.
JASON
GO! (JEN and BRAD place their heads under the water while JASON times. After about a minute BRAD's head comes flying up)
BRAD
Oh God I'm sorry. (JEN's head comes up and she laughs and yells at BRAD)
JEN
One step closer to level three bitches! Drink! (CHRISTINA and BRAD drink their tequila again for five regular seconds)
CHRISTINA
God I hope I don't throw up.
BRAD
Well at least you're not going next. (picks up a card from the level three pile) Public Humiliation.Do a music video of a song of your choice that has to be at least 2 minutes long and put it up on Youtube for at least complete day. (everyone oos and aaah)
CHRISTINA
Man! I wish I got that one.
BRAD
Well we could do a duet. That's allowed cause I'm still doing it!
JEN
I'll allow it, just cause I wanna how ridiculous you'll look.
BRAD
I accept the challenge, Christina we need duet songs.
CHRISTINA
Uhh, well it'll be a Capella so...
BRAD
Twinkle twinkle is good.
CHRISTINA
No let's do a real song otherwise it'll be stupid.
BRAD
It'll be stupid no matter what.
CHRISTINA
We should do Baby It's Cold Outside.
BRAD
Sure if you give me the lyrics...(JEN gets up to get her computer that has a webcam)
JEN
Here you can look at the lyrics while I record you.
JASON
(to ED) Brad's a great singer-
BRAD
Uh yeah, no! At least I'm drunk so it'll be okay.
JEN
(the YouTube video starts to play, and CHRISTINA grabs BRAD to get his attention)
CHRISTINA
I'm never gonnna let you live this down.
BRAD
(smiling at CHRISTINA) I wouldn't expect you to. (CHRISTINA starts off singing and BRAD follows, his voice is not very good but it isn't horrendous. CHRISTINA's voice is surprisingly not horrible. They finish the song and give each other a hug) You're welcome for the show, now gimme the card. (JEN is pouting and she hands over the card)
CHRISTINA
Two more and we win.
ED
Three for level three!
BRAD
Oh we're rockin' this.
ED
Gimme gimme gimme! (PAUL slides the cards toward ED and he pulls out a card) Public Humiliation. Shove a banana up your butt for all of us to see. Yeah, no.
PAUL
Don't diss my card!
ED
Yeah well you're an idiot, it's a no.
BRAD
You wimp.
ED
No, I'm just really straight. (JEN starts booing and the others join in) I don't care, my butt is staying banana free.
CHRISTINA
Boring. Jen get your level two card so we can MOVE ON FROM ED'S SHAME.
JEN
(picks up a level two card) Physical Challenge! Do a back handspring. (throwing the card back in the pile) Well I can't fucking do that.
CHRISTINA
I can.
JEN
I know you fuck.
CHRISTINA
Aw, level two potty mouth. My turn! (picks up a card from the level three pile) Public Humiliation again. Oh Jesus and it's my card. Get in a closet and french for 3 minutes with a True American pick. (everyone ooo's at each other) Alright boys let's True American this. One, two, three. (ED puts a three on his head, BRAD puts a four on his head, PAUL puts a five on his head, JASON puts a two on his head, and CHRISTINA puts a four on her head)
JASON
Teammates! (CHRISTINA blushes profusely and BRAD swings an arm around her shoulders)
BRAD
You don't have to if you don't want to.
CHRISTINA
And be one step farther from winning? NEVER!
ED
You kids play nice.
JEN
Timer's set for 3 minutes, I WANNA HEAR SOME NOISE! (CHRISTINA and BRAD laugh and get into the closet)
BRAD
(whispering) Like I said we can fake it~
CHRISTINA
(whispers back) Ha! Okay. (CHRISTINA and BRAD then get very quiet and start smacking their lips to make it sound like they're kissing, they bump up against the walls and make quiet sexual sounds)
JEN
Hot damn!
JASON
PUT IT IN!
BRAD
(whispers in her ear) Lemme give you a hickey to make it more real. (CHRISTINA nods her head and moves her hair to the side and BRAD gently leaves a nice purple hickey on her nape, she giggles and whispers)
CHRISTINA
Not too noticeable! (his apologizes in her ear and they continue to make fake sounds until JEN yells outs)
JEN
TIME! STOP FUCKING! (CHRISTINA and BRAD leave the closet looking disheveled)
ED
Nice hickey Essenelle.
PAUL
Rockin' the boner look, nice Brad.
BRAD
Well with a pretty lady it's hard not to. (FYI HE DIDN'T HAVE A BONER)
JASON
(sticks out his tongue in disgust) Let's move on, (he picks up a level three card) Public Humiliation again, wow.
~For the privacy of Jason Segal I will not go into what he had to do. I will say that he danced to Gangam Style, but that is all. He got the card~
PAUL
(everyone cheers for JASON's performance) I commend you good sir. (picking up a level two card) Ugh, pain.
BRAD
Yeah!
PAUL
Five slaps across the face, chosen True American style. Alright everyone. One, two, three. (ED puts up a one, JASON a four, JEN a three, CHRISTINA a five, BRAD a two, and PAUL a four)
CHRISTINA
(clapping) Ha ha! That literally could not have been more perfect. (PAUL closes his eyes as JASON stands in front of him)
PAUL
Make it quick...! (JASON bitch slaps him three times in row across the face and PAUL opens his mouth to scream but nothing comes out but a little whimper) Finish!
JASON
Other cheek! (PAUL turns his head as he shakes with fear and before he finishes turning all the way JASON slaps him so hard that on the second slap PAUL falls over) Woo! (everyone laughs as JEN gets an ice pack)
PAUL
Level...three.
BRAD
(looks at CHRISTINA with wide eyes) This could be our winning round. (he closes his eyes and takes out a card) Public Humiliation. We will never get to emotionally batter someone. Oh! And it's my card, get naked for all of us to see and take pics that we get to keep on our phones forever.
~Ladies and Gentlemen, I will not go into the details of that conversation but let's just say, I have pictures that I can keep on my phone for FOREVER~
CHRISTINA
Brad, we just one the first ever playing of Jentinalie Jasaulad. (they look at each other regally and then scream and CHRISTINA jumps into his arms with a fist in the air) SUCK IT YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WE ASS BLASTED YOU DICK FUCKS!
BRAD
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (BRAD lets her down and they hug for a good 15 seconds) You were incredible.
CHRISTINA
And you!
JEN
Aw, I didn't want the game to be over.
CHRISTINA
No keep going! Second place is still up for grabs!
ED
Alright alright!
BRAD
But we're still smashing the shit out of your game pieces.
JASON
But of course.
ED
(pulls out a level three card) Finally! Emotional Battery.
PAUL
I love the enthusiasm.
ED
Berate someone for 5 minutes, if they cry or say stop you win.
JEN
Ooooh, well the real question is, are you going to accept the challenge. I'm not asking that question just stating that it is one that people would say. What, I'm drink. Drunk. Okay. (everyone laughs)
ED
Bring it on.
~Folks for the emotional well being of Ed Helms, I will not reiterate the terrible things we yelled at Ed for five minutes. Mostly because I was extremely intoxicated and cannot remember everything we said. He got the card.~
JASON
Wow, one more till 2nd place!
PAUL
Has a nice ring to it, second place!
JEN
Level three cards!! (picks up a card) Public Humiliation. Fashion show going down the hallway. Oh easy! (JEN runs off to her closet and everyone follows her. When they reach the closet they give her an obscene amount of clothes to prance around the halls in. She leaves the penthouse and the others follow, JEN runs down to the other side of the hallway and then walks down it looking like an absolute idiot. She reaches the rest of the group just as somebody is about to open their door and she runs back inside. However she did complete the walk and so she got the card. Everyone returns back inside)
BRAD
Tied game?
PAUL
No we have one they have two.
JASON
And this card is gonna be the winning card. (looks at the card in his hand) Looks like it's the last Public Humiliation card. And it's mine.
CHRISTINA
What is it?
JASON
Ed. We just won the game.
ED
What!
JASON
The card says, Get a body shot done off your stomach via true american pick.
JEN
Oh my God...
JASON
EVERYONE, ONE, TWO, THREE! (JEN:2, ED: 5, PAUL: 4, JASON: 1) NO MATCHES. AGAIN! (JEN: 4, ED: 5, PAUL:2, JASON: 4)
ED
You lucky man.
JEN
Oh Christ.
CHRISTINA
You rang?
BRAD
(gives his tequila to JASON) Here have some of mine. (JASON takes it and lays down while pouring the tequila in his hairy belly button)
JASON
I hope you love every second of it.
JEN
This is legitimately the worst way to lose.
JASON
Heh heh.
PAUL
Jen, my lady, how is the time?
JEN
30 seconds till my British accent may retire.
JASON
Oh but it is so pleasing, as is this red wine. (everyone mmms in agreement and sips their wine)
JEN
Alright 10 seconds. Ladies and Gentlemen! (everyone raises their wine glass) Point your glass shards that way, and fuck you all. (her timer goes off and everyone finishes their wine in one gulp and throws their glasses in the kitchen, they shatter. Once they shatter everyone starts yelling and screaming at each other. After they get into their teams and circle around the table where all the cards are located) Since it's my house I'll go first, here Ellie and Paul roll this dice, whoever gets the higher number will go after me and that'll be our team order.
ELLIE
(rolls the dice) 3.
PAUL
(rolls the dice) 5! Alright so after the other two teams go I'll go.
JEN
Yeah other two teams roll to see who goes after me.
CHRISTINA
I'll roll for us. (rolls the dice) 6 bitches!
JASON
Gimme that, (rolls the dice) 3. Damn.
BRAD
Yeah X-Tina!
LEVEL 1 (MIND)
Trivia, Puzzles and Artistry
ED
Alright Jen pick your card.
JEN
(she picks up a card from the level one deck) Artistry! Okay, it's one of those write on the back guessing ones. So since Brad's team is up next.
BRAD
(to CHRISTINA) I'll draw on your back. (JEN and BRAD put a piece of paper on PAUL and CHRISTINA's back, JASON has the timer)
JASON
Aaaaannnd, GO! (JEN and BRAD begin to write on CHRISTINA and PAUL's backs)
PAUL
A ball? A circle? A-
CHRISTINA
The moon? OH it's a rock.
JASON
Ding! Correct.
JEN
How did you get that?
ELLIE
AH, JEN!
BRAD
OH BITCHES! Drink for five seconds!
JEN
What!
JASON
You asked a question!
JEN
Oh Jesus. Sorry guys. (JEN, ELLIE, and PAUL drink their wine for five seconds)
CHRISTINA
Ha ha, AND it was my card.
BRAD
(high fives CHRISTINA) Nice!
CHRISTINA
Alright our turn, (CHRISTINA picks up a card) Puzzle! You're in a room with no windows or doors or any way out, the only thing in the room is a mirror, how do you escape?
BRAD
What the fuck is this.
CHRISTINA
Oh no I've heard this one before...oh it's so stupid. Oh you look in the mirror you see what you saw you take the saw you cut the mirror in half, two halves make a hole and you use the hole to escape.
ED
That is correct.
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA and BRAD high five) YEAH BOI! LEVEL TWO!
JASON
Alright my turn, (he picks up a card) Trivia! What does Brad prefer, ladies or women? Oh come on!
BRAD
(laughing) Oh my God I was so much drunker when I wrote that. Well hey at least you got a 50/50 shot.
JASON
Is it...ladies?
BRAD
(pauses) I actually don't remember, just keep the card.
JASON AND ED
AAAHHH YEAH! (they both high five)
JASON
Scores are Jason and Ed 1, Christina and Brad two, Jen and Ellie and Paul 0...!
PAUL
Alright, I'm gonna get us some points guys! (picks up a card) Artistry! Paint Jen's nails, she'll determine if you've done a good enough job to get the card.
JEN
(laughs) Oh this'll be easy you're on my team. I'll get the nail polish. (JEN runs off to her bathroom and gets red nail polish, PAUL hastily puts it on not wanting the timer to go out)
PAUL
Done!
JEN
Perfect!
CHRISTINA
Psh, okay you got one card.
ELLIE
Don't cry about it, girl!
BRAD
(raises an eyebrow) We'll ignore that comment. Gimme! (BRAD picks up a card) Artistry again, damn. Oh but it's my card! Put on make-up, versus next player whoever looks sexier wins, determined by me.
ELLIE
Oh man, two boys in make-up. I'm liking the outcome of tonight so far. (CHRISTINA, JASON, and PAUL laugh)
JEN
You guys are gonna ruin my make-up. Ugh, whatever. FOR DRINKING!
BRAD
FOR DRINKING! (JEN runs to the bathroom and gets her make-up bag, she dumps out her bag on the floor and JASON and CHRISTINA get ready to put it on their team mate)
JEN
Alright, begin! (CHRISTINA and JASON rush to put on eye liner, blush, eye shadow, lipstick, mascara, lip liner, concealer, foundation and anything else they can find on the floor to make over BRAD and ED, after two minutes and lots of laughs from the other players JEN yells) Time's up!
ED
What would my mother say...
ELLIE
I don't know Andy you look kinda cute!
PAUL
Haaaaaah, The Office jokes...
BRAD
Well Ed you do look beautiful however I am the judge and I am far superior. Which means...
CHRISTINA
LEVEL TWO MOTHER FUCKERS! (BRAD and CHRISTINA start squawking like chickens in everyone else's faces while JASON and ED drink their wine because of their failure)
The Pre-Level 2 Break
JEN
Feel free to get beer out of the fridge you sons of bitches.
CHRISTINA
Oh with pleasure my dear lady.
JASON
Oh do watch out for the glass. Or don't. (he giggles to ED)
ED
Don't fret my dear Jason, we only need two more cards.
PAUL
Ah, but so do we good lords.
ELLIE
I do enjoy this wine.
BRAD
By the way, we only need two cards to advance to level three. Just thought I'd point that out my chaps!
JASON
Ah yes, the game do doth get confusing.
JEN
Alright bitches, let's get it on. (everyone downs their drink and then smashes it in the kitchen, then they all scream and yell)
LEVEL 2 (BODY)
Physical Challenge, Pain and
Endurance
ED
(takes a card) Rockin' level one with a belly full of wine, Oh! Puzzle! It's just a maze. (completes it with ease) Done! Suck it brothas!
JASON
ONE MORE CARD ASS FUCKS.
ELLIE
Yeah yeah whatever. (takes out a card) Puzzle! Betsy and Sarah are stuck in a cornfield how do they escape?
BRAD
(laughs hysterically) Oh man how drunk was I for this?
ELLIE
DRINK FOR FIVE SECONDS THAT WAS A QUESTION!
BRAD
Oh please it was a rhetorical one!
PAUL
Drink bitches! (CHRISTINA and BRAD drink their beer for five seconds)
JEN
(looking at the card, to BRAD) Is there even an answer to this one?
CHRISTINA
OHHH!!! ANOTHER QUESTION JEN!
JEN
OH YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!
JASON
Drink for five seconds!
ED
You'd think she'd learn...(ELLIE, PAUL, and JEN drink their wine for five seconds)
PAUL
You are getting me drunk off wine. Damn.
BRAD
Oh yeah, by the way there definitely is.
ELLIE
Brad you're the worst. Is the answer she...(easily gives up) climbed on top of the corn and ran out that way?
BRAD
Damn. Yeah.
PAUL AND JEN
OOOHHHH!!!! TWO CARDS! TWO CARDS!
CHRISTINA
Alright calm down you level one-ers. Lemme get a card (she picks up a card from the level two pile) Physical Challenge! Arm wrestle Paul, unless I get this card, then arm wrestle Christina. Thanks dick.
PAUL
Easy. Bring it. (CHRISTINA and PAUL lock their elbows on the table and look intensely into each others eyes)
CHRISTINA
You dead bitch.
JEN
(with timer) Aaaaannnd...GO! (their arms stay steady for about 15 seconds, BRAD is cheering on CHRISTINA, ELLIE and JEN are shouting cheers to PAUL. Soon CHRISTINA begins to budge and PAUL takes the lead and then slams her hand down. JEN, ELLIE, and PAUL cheer loudly) WHAT IS IT BITCHES LEVEL TWO!
BRAD
You gave it your best.
CHRISTINA
Ugh. (CHRISTINA and BRAD drink their beer because of their failure and JEN's team finishes their wine and JEN grabs three beers from the fridge)
JEN
Welcome to level two my team.
PAUL
Aww, Jason don't look too sad.
JASON
It's my turn now so I won't. (picks up a card from the level one pile) We will never get trivia, Puzzle! It's another maze. (he finishes it quickly) NOW WE'RE ALL IN LEVEL TWO DICK HEADS.
CHRISTINA
GOD DAMMIT.
JEN
(picks up a card) Physical challenge! Balancing three books on your head while walking back and forth around the room for 2 minutes. (JEN gets up while throwing the timer at CHRISTINA) Let's do this.
ELLIE
Go Jen!
PAUL
First point for level two!
JEN
(she takes three books from her bookcase and sets them on top of her head, they are immediately unsteady) Shit.
CHRISTINA
Tell me when to go.
JEN
Okay go. (JEN slowly walks across the room and after a minute of cheering and encouragement from her team and discouragement from everyone else she drops the books)
PAUL AND ELLIE
Aww, damn.
BRAD
Woo woo! Level two ain't so easy, huh newbie?
ED
QUESTION DUMBASS!
CHRISTINA
BRAD YOU BITCH.
BRAD
Ah shit sorry. (BRAD and CHRISTINA drink their beer again for five seconds) Okay my turn. (picks up a card from the pile) Physical Challenge again, man. Ha! My drunk card. Touch toes.
ED
What! Come on!
CHRISTINA
Don't cry level two noobs! (BRAD touches his toes and keeps the card) Boo-hoo bitches.
ED
(takes a level two card) Endurance! How many push-ups. (basically endurance is against whomever you True American get stuck with) Okay Jen, Ellie and Paul. One, two, three. (JEN has a four on her forehead, PAUL has a two, ELLIE has a five and ED has a four)
JASON
Ed and Jen I'll be counting. Okay, and go! (ED and JEN begin doing push-ups and JEN isn't doing very well from the bat and gives up at around 8, ED goes on to do 14. JASON holds up ED's arm) Winner winner chicken dinner. Drink bitches.
PAUL
(PAUL, ELLIE, and JEN drink their beer for five seconds, ELLIE is starting to become noticeably drunk) Have faith in me team. (he picks up a card) Oh man. Pain. (reads the card and groins) You flinch you lose like on the show but we're throwing glasses at you.
JASON
Ha ha, this is my card.
PAUL
You ass.
JASON
Get to the wall!
JEN
(goes to her cupboard and takes out 6 glasses) I say we each get one, that sounds fair for an unfair game.
PAUL
Be gentle...(his back against the wall his stares down his first thrower ELLIE who throws it at him but misses, he doesn't flinch. Next is JEN, CHRISTINA, BRAD, and he flinches at none of them. But then JASON steps up to bat and throws the wine glass and it shatters right next to his ear and he darts away)
JASON
Oh can't take my card, huh, wimp?
PAUL
(laughing) I hope so much that you get a pain card.
CHRISTINA
And I hope I really don't. (picks up a card) GODDAMNIT, Pain. Blast Rebecca Blacks Friday in ears five times. Oh please. Easy. (CHRISTINA puts the headphones in and plays the song and it is really loud but it's manageable. After five plays she takes her card)
ED
Go ahead.
CHRISTINA
Oh no give me a second.
BRAD
I'm curious Christina.
CHRISTINA
Well don't ask a question about it.
BRAD
Oh no I won't, but I just realized something.
CHRISTINA
And I did too, oh shit Brad, WE MADE IT TO LEVEL THREE.
BRAD
(he screams and picks CHRISTINA up with one arm and they both make chicken noises at the other players) WHAT UP!
The Pre-Level 3 Break
CHRISTINA
Jen I hope you won't mind me taking your Tequila.
JEN
Oh no not at all my dearest.
ELLIE
This beer is quite delicious.
JASON
We must also remember that people in level three cannot curse.
BRAD
And we must remember that people in level three get to count when you ask a question.
PAUL
Oh so much fun I'm having getting drunk with you all.
ED
For real guys, we should do this again.
ELLIE
We should make our own name for the game.
JEN
I call the first name!
CHRISTINA
Girls get first name boys get last name?
JASON
Last name is JASAULAD.
BRAD
(laughs) Sounds great.
ELLIE
Aaannddd JENTINALIE?
CHRISTINA
Ha ha, the name of the game is Jentinalie Jasaulad. We're drunk guys.
JEN
True, time's up. Suck my dick. (CHRISTINA BRAD chug their tequila and smash their glass while the others chug their beer and smash it in the kitchen)
LEVEL 3 (SPIRIT)
Public Humiliation and Emotional
Battery
JASON
(taking a card from the pile) No pain, no pain, no pain (he looks at the card) Pain!? play that knife hand game 5 rounds. I don't know how to play the knife game. TEACH ME.
ED
Here-
JASON
That was your card...! Not a question. Just saying that it was.
CHRISTINA
It's ok. I'm too drunk to care.
ED
It's where you put your hand on a table a you stab the knife in between all of your fingers. So this (ED stabs the table quickly in between his fingers from left to right) is one round.
JASON
Can I forfeit the card. I'm sorry.
ED
No! Just give it one try, you stab yourself and then we'll stop.
ELLIE
(drunkenly) Sound logic...
BRAD
Ellie for your sake I hope you don't have to drink anymore.
PAUL
She's too skinny to play this game.
JASON
Alright I'll do it. (everyone cheers, JASON holds the knife above his giant hand and then mentally counts himself down. He nods and then screams while stabbing in between his fingers. He completes one round with no injury. He goes again and slices the side of his ring finger) AH FUCK!
ED
You're fine keep going! (JASON does the next two rounds without injury) Yeah boy just one more! (JASON concentrates before starting and then screams and begins again, he lightly punctures the middle of his middle finger but finishes the level)
JASON
Ow, ow, ow band-aids anyone! Oh and suck it losers, we're on level three!
CHRISTINA
I have some in my pocketbook hold on (CHRISTINA goes into her pocketbook and hands JASON some band-aids) Here you go. (JASON takes them and hastily puts them on his fingers, everyone then looks over to ELLIE who is half away and is leaning on the wall for stability)
BRAD
(to CHRISTINA) It's her turn.
ED
Why don't we let her sleep and you guys can just be a team of 2 from now on.
PAUL
Yeaaaaah. So Jen go ahead.
JEN
Whatever more drinking for me. (as JEN is picking up a card ED takes ELLIE to the couch and lays her down) Endurance! You and another see who can hold their breath longer, true american rules apply. Alright ready, one, two, three! (CHRISTINA puts a two to her forehead, BRAD a one, JASON a two, ED at three, and JEN a one)
CHRISTINA
Oh don't fuck this up for us, Brad!
JASON
Drink young lady! No cursing on level three! (CHRISTINA and BRAD groan and put their drinks to their lips)
ED
Oh but since we're on level three, we get to count.
BRAD
Christina I truly hate you.
ED AND JASON
Oneeeeeeeeeeeee(CHRISTINA and BRAD slowly drink their tequila while ED and JASON drag out their five seconds) twooooooooo, threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, fouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur, five! (CHRISTINA and BRAD gasp and slam their drinks down on the table)
BRAD
And now I gotta hold my breath...I won't, I won't...so...a bucket we shall use...
JEN
I'll ignore that clear question, and yeah I've got a bin hold on. (JEN goes and gets a bin from her closet and puts it in the sink and fills it with water, to ED) Hey Ed. (she points to ELLIE)
ED
Yeah she'll be fine, just drunk.
PAUL
You know, the usual. (BRAD goes over to JEN to help her with the water bin and they place it on the table)
JASON
I'll time it, on your marks, get set-
JEN
Wait! My hair-(she puts her hair in a ponytail) Ok I'm ready.
JASON
GO! (JEN and BRAD place their heads under the water while JASON times. After about a minute BRAD's head comes flying up)
BRAD
Oh God I'm sorry. (JEN's head comes up and she laughs and yells at BRAD)
JEN
One step closer to level three bitches! Drink! (CHRISTINA and BRAD drink their tequila again for five regular seconds)
CHRISTINA
God I hope I don't throw up.
BRAD
Well at least you're not going next. (picks up a card from the level three pile) Public Humiliation.Do a music video of a song of your choice that has to be at least 2 minutes long and put it up on Youtube for at least complete day. (everyone oos and aaah)
CHRISTINA
Man! I wish I got that one.
BRAD
Well we could do a duet. That's allowed cause I'm still doing it!
JEN
I'll allow it, just cause I wanna how ridiculous you'll look.
BRAD
I accept the challenge, Christina we need duet songs.
CHRISTINA
Uhh, well it'll be a Capella so...
BRAD
Twinkle twinkle is good.
CHRISTINA
No let's do a real song otherwise it'll be stupid.
BRAD
It'll be stupid no matter what.
CHRISTINA
We should do Baby It's Cold Outside.
BRAD
Sure if you give me the lyrics...(JEN gets up to get her computer that has a webcam)
JEN
Here you can look at the lyrics while I record you.
JASON
(to ED) Brad's a great singer-
BRAD
Uh yeah, no! At least I'm drunk so it'll be okay.
JEN
(the YouTube video starts to play, and CHRISTINA grabs BRAD to get his attention)
CHRISTINA
I'm never gonnna let you live this down.
BRAD
(smiling at CHRISTINA) I wouldn't expect you to. (CHRISTINA starts off singing and BRAD follows, his voice is not very good but it isn't horrendous. CHRISTINA's voice is surprisingly not horrible. They finish the song and give each other a hug) You're welcome for the show, now gimme the card. (JEN is pouting and she hands over the card)
CHRISTINA
Two more and we win.
ED
Three for level three!
BRAD
Oh we're rockin' this.
ED
Gimme gimme gimme! (PAUL slides the cards toward ED and he pulls out a card) Public Humiliation. Shove a banana up your butt for all of us to see. Yeah, no.
PAUL
Don't diss my card!
ED
Yeah well you're an idiot, it's a no.
BRAD
You wimp.
ED
No, I'm just really straight. (JEN starts booing and the others join in) I don't care, my butt is staying banana free.
CHRISTINA
Boring. Jen get your level two card so we can MOVE ON FROM ED'S SHAME.
JEN
(picks up a level two card) Physical Challenge! Do a back handspring. (throwing the card back in the pile) Well I can't fucking do that.
CHRISTINA
I can.
JEN
I know you fuck.
CHRISTINA
Aw, level two potty mouth. My turn! (picks up a card from the level three pile) Public Humiliation again. Oh Jesus and it's my card. Get in a closet and french for 3 minutes with a True American pick. (everyone ooo's at each other) Alright boys let's True American this. One, two, three. (ED puts a three on his head, BRAD puts a four on his head, PAUL puts a five on his head, JASON puts a two on his head, and CHRISTINA puts a four on her head)
JASON
Teammates! (CHRISTINA blushes profusely and BRAD swings an arm around her shoulders)
BRAD
You don't have to if you don't want to.
CHRISTINA
And be one step farther from winning? NEVER!
ED
You kids play nice.
JEN
Timer's set for 3 minutes, I WANNA HEAR SOME NOISE! (CHRISTINA and BRAD laugh and get into the closet)
BRAD
(whispering) Like I said we can fake it~
CHRISTINA
(whispers back) Ha! Okay. (CHRISTINA and BRAD then get very quiet and start smacking their lips to make it sound like they're kissing, they bump up against the walls and make quiet sexual sounds)
JEN
Hot damn!
JASON
PUT IT IN!
BRAD
(whispers in her ear) Lemme give you a hickey to make it more real. (CHRISTINA nods her head and moves her hair to the side and BRAD gently leaves a nice purple hickey on her nape, she giggles and whispers)
CHRISTINA
Not too noticeable! (his apologizes in her ear and they continue to make fake sounds until JEN yells outs)
JEN
TIME! STOP FUCKING! (CHRISTINA and BRAD leave the closet looking disheveled)
ED
Nice hickey Essenelle.
PAUL
Rockin' the boner look, nice Brad.
BRAD
Well with a pretty lady it's hard not to. (FYI HE DIDN'T HAVE A BONER)
JASON
(sticks out his tongue in disgust) Let's move on, (he picks up a level three card) Public Humiliation again, wow.
~For the privacy of Jason Segal I will not go into what he had to do. I will say that he danced to Gangam Style, but that is all. He got the card~
PAUL
(everyone cheers for JASON's performance) I commend you good sir. (picking up a level two card) Ugh, pain.
BRAD
Yeah!
PAUL
Five slaps across the face, chosen True American style. Alright everyone. One, two, three. (ED puts up a one, JASON a four, JEN a three, CHRISTINA a five, BRAD a two, and PAUL a four)
CHRISTINA
(clapping) Ha ha! That literally could not have been more perfect. (PAUL closes his eyes as JASON stands in front of him)
PAUL
Make it quick...! (JASON bitch slaps him three times in row across the face and PAUL opens his mouth to scream but nothing comes out but a little whimper) Finish!
JASON
Other cheek! (PAUL turns his head as he shakes with fear and before he finishes turning all the way JASON slaps him so hard that on the second slap PAUL falls over) Woo! (everyone laughs as JEN gets an ice pack)
PAUL
Level...three.
BRAD
(looks at CHRISTINA with wide eyes) This could be our winning round. (he closes his eyes and takes out a card) Public Humiliation. We will never get to emotionally batter someone. Oh! And it's my card, get naked for all of us to see and take pics that we get to keep on our phones forever.
~Ladies and Gentlemen, I will not go into the details of that conversation but let's just say, I have pictures that I can keep on my phone for FOREVER~
CHRISTINA
Brad, we just one the first ever playing of Jentinalie Jasaulad. (they look at each other regally and then scream and CHRISTINA jumps into his arms with a fist in the air) SUCK IT YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WE ASS BLASTED YOU DICK FUCKS!
BRAD
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (BRAD lets her down and they hug for a good 15 seconds) You were incredible.
CHRISTINA
And you!
JEN
Aw, I didn't want the game to be over.
CHRISTINA
No keep going! Second place is still up for grabs!
ED
Alright alright!
BRAD
But we're still smashing the shit out of your game pieces.
JASON
But of course.
ED
(pulls out a level three card) Finally! Emotional Battery.
PAUL
I love the enthusiasm.
ED
Berate someone for 5 minutes, if they cry or say stop you win.
JEN
Ooooh, well the real question is, are you going to accept the challenge. I'm not asking that question just stating that it is one that people would say. What, I'm drink. Drunk. Okay. (everyone laughs)
ED
Bring it on.
~Folks for the emotional well being of Ed Helms, I will not reiterate the terrible things we yelled at Ed for five minutes. Mostly because I was extremely intoxicated and cannot remember everything we said. He got the card.~
JASON
Wow, one more till 2nd place!
PAUL
Has a nice ring to it, second place!
JEN
Level three cards!! (picks up a card) Public Humiliation. Fashion show going down the hallway. Oh easy! (JEN runs off to her closet and everyone follows her. When they reach the closet they give her an obscene amount of clothes to prance around the halls in. She leaves the penthouse and the others follow, JEN runs down to the other side of the hallway and then walks down it looking like an absolute idiot. She reaches the rest of the group just as somebody is about to open their door and she runs back inside. However she did complete the walk and so she got the card. Everyone returns back inside)
BRAD
Tied game?
PAUL
No we have one they have two.
JASON
And this card is gonna be the winning card. (looks at the card in his hand) Looks like it's the last Public Humiliation card. And it's mine.
CHRISTINA
What is it?
JASON
Ed. We just won the game.
ED
What!
JASON
The card says, Get a body shot done off your stomach via true american pick.
JEN
Oh my God...
JASON
EVERYONE, ONE, TWO, THREE! (JEN:2, ED: 5, PAUL: 4, JASON: 1) NO MATCHES. AGAIN! (JEN: 4, ED: 5, PAUL:2, JASON: 4)
ED
You lucky man.
JEN
Oh Christ.
CHRISTINA
You rang?
BRAD
(gives his tequila to JASON) Here have some of mine. (JASON takes it and lays down while pouring the tequila in his hairy belly button)
JASON
I hope you love every second of it.
JEN
This is legitimately the worst way to lose.
JASON
Heh heh.
And that my friend is how Brad and I won Jentinalie Jasaulad. Jason and Ed came in second and poor Paul and Jen in third. After the game Brad's driver took Ellie and Ed home, Paul's wife swung by to come get his drunk ass, and Jason, Brad, Jen and I stayed up for a bit, ate a sandwich, and sang a little bit. Jason fell asleep first on the floor, fortunately Jen tucked him in. Jen went to bed in her bed and Brad and I shared the living room sofa. Morning was eggs and bacon a la Jen, and honestly, the 12 hours couldn't have been more perfect.
Send prayers for my liver.
