Everything is this video was done for comedy, no one was hurt in the making of this video.
TYSON
Welcome to cooking with the sophisticates this time we're cooking Asian Invasion! ...food.
ELENA
But wait a minute, babe, I don't know where anything is!
TYSON
Oh but-(he turns around all confused in this new kitchen) I don't know where anything is either!
CHRISTINA
(pops out from around the corner and points to ELENA and TYSON dramatically) That's because you're in my kitchen!
ELENA AND TYSON
(they put their hands on their faces in mock shock) WHAT!?
BRADLEY
(popping around the same corner as CHRISTINA) And we're starving, let's cook!
~Cooking with the Sophisticates -Asian Invasion- with special guests Christina Essenelle and Bradley Cooper~
CHRISTINA
(to the camera) As many of you may not know, I don't really have food in my kitchen, but since Tyson Ritter-
TYSON
(next to her) Don't talk to the camera.
CHRISTINA
What?
TYSON
Just pretend there is no camera at all.
CHRISTINA
What camera?
TYSON
(confused) What? That camera right there (he points to the camera and CHRISTINA looks at him confused)
CHRISTINA
Tyson you're pointing at my wall. (quick shot of the wall where TYSON was pointing, he squints his eyes in confusion and then shrugs)
ELENA
(to BRADLEY and CHRISTINA who are now standing next to each other) Now that you two have come out as a real couple we're gonna teach you how to cook like a real couple.
BRADLEY
I already know how to coo- (ELENA slaps him across the face and TYSON and CHRISTINA cover their mouths and gasps while BRADLEY places a hand where ELENA slapped him, wide-eyed he says) I don't know how to cook...?
ELENA AND TYSON
We know.
CHRISTINA
So what're we making tonight, sophisticates?
TYSON
Chicken tenderloins with angel hair pasta, roasted garlic and tomatoes in a balsamic vinaigrette sauce.
ELENA
And a side of cheddar broccoli rice.
BRADLEY
Mmm sounds good (wraps his arm around CHRISTINA's waist)
TYSON
(slaps a ruler in his hands) LET'S GET STARTED. (in the next sequence the camera will cut between the duo of ELENA and TYSON watching behind BRADLEY and CHRISTINA and to CHRISTINA and BRADLEY cooking)
ELENA
Ok first thing you wanna do is get your chicken out that'll be the main attraction for dinner. (BRADLEY gets the chicken from the fridge and drops it with lackluster onto the counter)
BRADLEY
Now what?
CHRISTINA
(CHRISTINA playfully hits BRADLEY on the arm and whispers to him) Be nice.
BRADLEY
(he whispers back) I know how to cook chicken.
CHRISTINA
Well I don't, Elena teach me how to make chicken. (BRADLEY smiles and kisses her on the side of the head, the camera then quick cuts to ELENA and TYSON who look disgusted)
TYSON
Alright Bradley so to make rice all you've got to do is take your dry rice and put it in a bowl. (BRADLEY goes over to the cabinet and takes out this massive bag of rice)
CHRISTINA
Oh my god, why would you buy so much?!
BRADLEY
Tyson said we'd be making this all the time after this lesson.
CHRISTINA
TYSON! NOBODY NEEDS A DOG FOOD SIZED BAG OF RICE!
TYSON
Just you wait when all of china comes to your doorstep asking for rice and you're prepared.
CHRISTINA
Last time Tyson and Bradley do grocery shopping. (CHRISTINA opens up the package of chicken and takes out a pan)
ELENA
So for the chicken you're gonna want to put olive oil in the pan and put the stove on low for right now while we marinate the chicken. (BRADLEY starts to pour the giant bag of rice into the tiny bowl and the bag slips out of his fingers and falls to the floor, rice is everywhere. Everyone is silent at first)
BRADLEY
Shit.
TYSON
I was talking about Chinese ants coming to your door by the way.
CHRISTINA
(BRADLEY jumps down to the floor to pick up the bag and looks up at CHRISTINA sheepishly, she laughs) What the fuck. Ha ha ha. (they sweep up the mess and place the dirty rice in the garbage and the rest of the bag back in the cabinet)
ELENA
Christina, now you're going to rub the chicken with salt, pepper, balsamic vinegar, garlic, and olive oil.
CHRISTINA
How should I rub it in?
TYSON
Here let me show you (TYSON saunters over to CHRISTINA and places his arms over hers, guiding her fingers over the chicken) See, just like that, really simple (he says into her ear, smelling her hair. The camera pans over to BRADLEY and ELENA, she has her arms crossed and BRADLEY is wagging his finger at the two of them, he then taps TYSON on the shoulder and punches him square in the jaw)
ELENA
(to BRADLEY) HEY THAT'S MY FIANCE! (she then tackles BRADLEY to the ground and CHRISTINA then jumps in)
CHRISTINA
GET OFF MY MAN YOU BITCH.
TYSON
MAKE ROOM FOR ONE MORE! (they're all fighting and then the camera cuts to all of them standing back in their original positions with disheveled hair and cuts and bruises)
CHRISTINA
(slowly) So...what next? (the camera then cuts again and everyone is back to looking normal and not disheveled)
TYSON
Well Bradley here is going to put water into the rice and then put it in the microwave for about four minutes.
BRADLEY
This is pretty easy!
CHRISTINA
Bradley you just dropped half the rice on the floor.
BRADLEY
And you're a 23 year old who doesn't know how to cook chicken.
CHRISTINA
(looks at him dramatically, she drops the chicken in the pan and it makes a sizzling sound, she then starts singing) We should be lovers!
BRADLEY
(dramatically, he closes the microwave and looks down) ♪We can't do that...♪
CHRISTINA
(turning to him now) ♪We should be lovers....and that's a fact!♪ (the lights start dimming)
TYSON
(the camera pans over to a very confused ELENA and TYSON who are watching the musical number before their eyes) What is happening.
BRADLEY
(he grabs both of CHRISTINA's shoulders in desperation) ♪Though nothing...would keep us together!♪
ELENA
(rushes over to the chicken) Oh fuck.
CHRISTINA
(looks deeply into his eyes) ♪We could steal time-♪
BRADLEY AND CHRISTINA
(he slides his hands down her arms and stops when he reaches her hands, holding them) ♪Just for one day. We could be heroes, forever and ever. We could be heroes, forever and ever. We could be heroes!♪
BRADLEY
(the camera starts circling around BRADLEY and CHRISTINA while they hold each others hands and look into each other's eyes) ♪Just because I (small fireworks burst around BRADLEY and CHRISTINA and the camera cuts over to TYSON and ELENA who jump from shock)will always love you-♪
CHRISTINA
♪I-♪
BRADLEY AND CHRISTINA
♪Can't help loving...(the camera stops circling them and it pauses, they're faces so close to one another)you.♪
CHRISTINA
♪How wonderful life is-♪
BRADLEY AND CHRISTINA
♪Now you're in the world.♪ (they kiss passionately)
ELENA
(the lights start to lighten up and TYSON and ELENA are just standing there, stunned) ...okay. (the camera cuts to a finished chicken on a plate and a large pot of boiling water)
TYSON
Now Bradley this is redemption time, can you put pasta in that boiling water.
BRADLEY
Yes sir.
TYSON
Alright do it. (slow motion BRADLEY putting the pasta into the pot dramatically while the camera cuts to ELENA, TYSON, and CHRISTINA's faces covered in sweat and fear, BRADLEY puts the pasta without dropping any, everyone let out a sigh of relief) And that'll be done in about 10 minutes.
ELENA
In the mean time we have to take the rice out of the microwave and put some broccoli in there to steam.
TYSON
And since we were lazy we bought some broccoli steamers from Valley Fresh.
CHRISTINA
Yeah! I can do that. (CHRISTINA puts it into the microwave and the camera goes over to the four of them waiting for their things to finish cooking, they look bored)
TYSON
So...do you guys do a lot of musical numbers together?
BRADLEY
It's almost on a daily basis yeah.
ELENA
That's normal.
CHRISTINA
ON ALL THE ADDAMS ANCESTORS WHO'VE EVER WALKED ALRIGHT! ONE NORMAL NIGHT!
CHRISTINA AND BRADLEY
Do do do do do do-
TYSON AND ELENA
STOP. (BRADLEY and CHRISTINA smile shyly to each other and the camera cuts to CHRISTINA taking angel hair out of a strainer, putting it on a large serving plate. BRADLEY then comes over and puts the broccoli on top of the rice along with some cheese)
ELENA
What did you forget? (BRADLEY and CHRISTINA look at each other confused and then CHRISTINA laughs and puts the chicken on top of the pasta and pour balsamic vinegar all over it, TYSON and ELENA slap their foreheads while BRADLEY and CHRISTINA hold the platter in front of them smiling, looking for approval)
TYSON
You two sometimes.
BRADLEY AND CHRISTINA
This show sometimes. (they turn to each other mouth agape and high five each other. ELENA shakes her head while smiling and then there is a quick cut and it's TYSON, ELENA, BRADLEY and CHRISTINA sitting on a couch eating pizza and chatting casually)
BRADLEY
(to the camera) Have a great night everyone.
TYSON
(the camera slowly zooms out) I can't believe you dropped the rice. (BRADLEY is still and then lunges for TYSON when the video cuts to black)
By the way, for those of you who live under a rock, Ed Helms has been staying with Bradley and I for the past week promising that the reason that he had to stay with us was because he had some affairs in NYC to take care of and he needed a place to stay, and that those affairs were a surprise for Bradley and I. Well we no longer have to wait, because Ed broke the news tonight, December 27th through January 6th Bradley Cooper, Christina Essenelle, Ed Helms, Jennifer Lawrence, Paul Rudd and Jason Segel are all going to be staying in a log cabin together in Park City, Colorado during New Year's Eve, he booked it all this week and we're going to go snowboard/skiing and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN! I'm really excited, and for those of you who noticed that only 6 out of the 7 members of the Celebrity Game Night are going this it's because Ellie can't take the time off from filming during the week, but she will be in Colorado with us from the 27th through the 29th. THE WHOLE GANG BACK TOGETHER!
I love my friends (:
