SNL Experience

WARNING: I use a lot of profanity in this post. But I have a reason to, so calm down Disney. I'm a late night actress, it's my thing.

How long has it been? 3 months and 10 days. Every single day I've wanted to come back and write to all of you guys. For some reason my stats have not decreased since my "leave", but I just wanted to mainly say that, I'm sorry. I am, I was gone and left you all in the dark but I had a reason. I wasn't allowed to talk on blogger anymore. For my own personal health. I know most of you know what happened but for those who have been in the dark for the past 3 months, let me shed a little light on the situation. The entire situation:

I had an interview with CBS December 16th 2011, I was told I was going to be talking about being on Broadway and being on SNL but they decided to change it up on me. Here's part of the interview with myself and Erica Hill:

ERICA

It's quite interesting, your life. How do you manage to stay humble?

CHRISTINA

At this point I'm probably not. I try to donate as much as I can but that greed factor has definitely taken over. (laughs)

ERICA

Is it true that you were the caretaker of your orphan siblings?

CHRISTINA

Yes Ma'am.

ERICA

Do you ever wish your life was different? Do you ever wish you weren't the mom, but instead you had one?

CHRISTINA

It was hard. I don't deny that. I always got angry that I didn't get to have a childhood, and I always blamed my parents. But there's more to life than being bitter.

ERICA

Well we have them here in the studio would you like to meet them? (CHRISTINA looks at her with confusion, shock, anger, and fear) Mary, Steve, come on in.
CHRISTINA
Wait-wait...

STEVE

Hello Christina, we've missed you so much. (he rushes over with open arms and CHRISTINA holds up her hands in defense)

CHRISTINA

Don't touch me.

MARY

(red faced) We're so sorry dear! We didn't mean to give you up darling!

CHRISTINA

(confused to Erica) Who are these people?
ERICA
Our researchers found them in California desperately trying to find you. They contacted us, how sweet!
CHRISTINA
(to the strangers) I don't believe this. You put me through 20 years of hell and now you think you can just apologize and make it go away?

MARY

We want to be here for you Christina! We love-

CHRISTINA

Don't you dare. I've seen people killed, raped, molested, shot, die of starvation, commit suicide, all because you couldn't use a condom. So don't give me that because you don't love me, you only love yourself.

STEVE

Christina that's not true! We've always loved you, now come on let's go get some ice cream. We've got a lot of time to make-up. (he grabs her arm and she rips her arm away)

CHRISTINA

I said don't touch me.

STEVE

Christina you're being silly. (he grabs her arm again harder and pulls her to her)

CHRISTINA

I said don't FUCKING TOUCH ME! (she rips her arm away again and punches him in the face. Running off the set the cameras switch to a commercial)

And that's what started this shit-storm. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I ran away. Left my car in the NBC parking lot and ran away. I took the train and went to my secret spot. I put my phone on silent and put it on a stump. I stayed there for hours, my interview was at 8AM so I was actually there for hours, just thinking everything over. Had my punching this guy in the face been the right thing to do? fuck yeah it was that guy was a dick Why would CBS do that to me? Why would they lie to Lorne, myself, and Jules? i dunno what the fuck CBS had against me but clearly i was the biggest bitch they'd ever met. fuck them, their cock-sucking ass-cunts. dick sauce drinkin' mother fuckers. When can I show my face in NYC again? not any time soon. Was that rain I just felt on my head? ugh, fuck me. And like that it was pouring. I pulled my hood up and sat on the stump, holding my legs, and just sat, soaking in the fact that the two people who posed as my parents were either completely insane homeless they found and paid off to make my life miserable, or they were actually my parents and were stepping into my life to take all of my money and to become famous. I don't want to have parents. I've made my life great all by myself, I don't need CBS taking parental responsibility for me and give me baby-sitters. Who do they think they are? Even though it was 3 months ago I will never be friends with the people who caused my so much trouble at CBS ever again. I hate that I can't forgive them but, they've caused too much shit in my life for me to just go on and pretend like nothing happened.

As I sat pondering away a man tapped me on the shoulder and I screamed, but it was Ryan Gosling.

RYAN

What the hell you doing here Christina?

CHRISTINA

Being depressing.

RYAN

Jesus Christ you're soaking wet, get in my car, Seth's here.

CHRISTINA

I don't want to go back.

RYAN

Don't be a baby come back with us, come on we'll kick their asses for you don't worry.

CHRISTINA

No, I don't want to. Let me be alone for a while. I'm an adult I can make that decision for myself.

RYAN

Why?

CHRISTINA

I just want to think things over.

RYAN

When will you be back?

CHRISTINA

I dunno, when I get the justice I deserve.

RYAN

Yeah I know we'll kick their asses right now, come on you can watch.

CHRISTINA

Ryan, I can't okay.

RYAN

(sighs) How'm I gonna know you'll be alright?

CHRISTINA

I'm a big girl you know.

RYAN

You're not fat.

CHRISTINA

(laughs) Shut-up, you know what I mean.

RYAN

I know, but I want you in a hotel or something. You're not staying here.

CHRISTINA

I won't stay here, but I'm not going back with you. I don't want to face anyone.

RYAN

Why're you taking this so personally? It's there job to screw you over.

CHRISTINA

(fuming) Because those people posed as my parents, the two people who fucked me over since day 1. So, sorry I'm not fucking happy-go-lucky that my dipshit parents decided to come for a visit and pretend like the missed and loved me when I knew from day 1 that they never gave a single damn about me. My entire life has been riddled down to protect the kids, find food, don't get caught, repeat. How can someone just show up when I'm 21 and pretend like they care? You can't, so I'm not going back to NYC until I get what I rightfully deserve and until I get my dignity back, because right now I feel like a sorry piece of shit and I hate that. So for Godsakes Ryan please let me BE.

RYAN

(long pause he looks down and takes off his jacket and gives it to her) At least stay warm.

CHRISTINA

(putting on his jacket) Thank you.

RYAN

(hugging her, he kisses her on the forehead) You better be safe alright?

CHRISTINA

I will. Don't tell anyone that you saw me.

RYAN

Why?

CHRISTINA

Cause.

RYAN

Alright.

CHRISTINA

Thanks, again.

RYAN

Call me if you get a chance.

CHRISTINA

I might.

And after that day, I went to the airport and hit France. I went to the D-Day beaches and walked on the sandy beaches, looked at all the graves and stayed at a bed and breakfast for 2 weeks. It was just what I needed, I could've stayed there forever, I now know near fluent french (I had learned it in school but this assimilation really pushed me to learning fluency) and I just...loved it. Every second was filled with passion for things I wanted to do. I was at peace with myself, but I was also lonesome, my phone had no service in Europe so no one could contact me. But there's always a way to find me... I was laying down in a patch of yellow flowers trying to fall asleep in the sun when shade covered my whole body. I opened my eyes and saw Jules, hands on his hips, eyes squinting trying to decipher if it was me or not. Once he did, he went down and laid next to me, wrapping his arms around my waist softly crying on my shoulder. I remember all he said for a really long time was just I have you...I have you... and we laid like that for...maybe 2 hours. Not saying anything just enjoying each other's company. It was perfect. We stayed in that part of France for 3 more days and then I called Lorne. Apparently Seth had been scouring the Earth in search for me and was angry that I left in the first place. It was difficult to make sketches that I couldn't be in so they brought Abby back into her 3-6 scenes a week schedule while I was gone. Ugh, I told Lorne that Abby can have that schedule for the next month because I wouldn't be coming back for a bit. I told him I'd be back February 1st and I was. Jules and I traveled all over France and India as well! I can add that to my list of awesome places I've been to. It was nice being with Jules after not being with him for 2 weeks. I...love him more than a lot of things.

My short amount of time back in NYC was...ridiculous. I was bombarded by paparazzi and other annoying people, everyone at SNL was happy to have me back though (except Abby, aw boo hoo), my fishies and dogs missed me too. I was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon for a bit of explanation but not a lot and then I, for some reason, decided to watch E!. That's when I saw the news and picture with Julian and the chick that grabbed his dick kissing. All I could think was murder. And just like the first time something horrid happened, I ran away. But this time to a friend. I went to Noel in London and crashed at his place for a week. We actually had a lot of fun. We went to Russia for a few days (add that one to my list as well), got really drunk in Moscow and danced in the streets. Noel at one point took of his shirt and made a snow man then hugged it, I swear his nipples turned purple it was so damn cold. Then we saw the Russian Ballet perform and that was an experience I'll tell ya...they are so ridiculously talented I can't handle it! Noel was really sweet about the whole me-barging-back-into-his-life thing. All he wanted to do was to help me feel better and realize that Julian and this chick had experiences together and therefore knew each other. But like always, Julian found me in Noel's apartment and explained the entire story. This chick was a stalker and had been grabbing, stealing, and taking things from Jules all the time. He's known her since 2001 right when the band got some of it's first hits out, her name is Malory and she's had a restraining order from the Strokes since 2001 and it ended in 2010 and she came back with a pow. I believed him because he even brought the restraining order with him, and well, I never fell out of love with him. Noel believed him too, and Noel hates Julian.

If you've been watching SNL you'll know I was in the past 4 episodes, Zooey Deschanel, Maya Rudolph, Lindsay Lohan, and Jonah Hill and you'll know how good they were (minus Lindsay's acting..oh boy) and if you've been watching you'll also know that they honored me on Update where Seth brought me out for the Really?!?!?? segment but with Seth and Christina and we tore down CBS's interview people. If you haven't seen it yet, Hulu is a wonderful website. Anyways, I'm back, I think...and Jules and I are together and I'm still friends with everyone except for those CBS dick-heads and I've truly missed you all.

Today we filmed Dateline and the Digital Short and the Digital Short is hilarious. I was there at the creation of this idea. We (Andy, Jorma, and I) were watching some things Steve Buscemi were in and Vanessa walks by and says that he look like Gary Oldman and I think yeah maybe Officer Gordon.... and Andy had been thinking the exact same thing. So just expect that in the short. And Dateline is just creepy, AS IT SHOULD BE!

Dress rehearsal today! We just practiced some improv and tried to figure out what games we were going to play and what not. It wasn't that fun, I mean, we didn't get to play the games just work them out. It was very formal and businessy so, meh. Although all the Strokes came so I was content. Albert is growing the dankest beard. It's really beardy, I'm not a beard liking chick so thank God I'm with Jules. Speaking of Jules he's been hanging out with Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim. Their basically Julian's version of my Noel and Julian B.

SNL Experience

Thursday, March 29, 2012

O Vos Omnes

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I'm Back, I Think

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I Wanna Rock Right NOW

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Steve Buscemi hosts SNL

Day 5 {Steve Buscemi}

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Day 4 {Steve Buscemi}

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Day 3 {Steve Buscemi}