Me and All These Dinosaurs is Gettin' Friggin' Ripped Tonight

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU have sent me a lot of emails about funny stuff and I appreciate you all a lot. Trevor Moore (Whitest Kids U' Know king) and I have spent the past two weeks just dicking around either New York City (Museum of Sex, 30 Rock obnoxious activities, UCB show, Hell's Kitchen Flea Market, Midtown Comics, Chickalicious etc.) or DC. The only why I listed the NYC stuff is because a lot of those emails were "DID I SEE YOU AT THE MUSEUM OF SEX??" and me being like...FO SHO!

Anyways, last night Bill, Fred, and Jason came back to hang out! It was fun, we all (me and other current SNL people) fell asleep in the main living room. By the way if anyone else has read the New 52s for Batman...it's fucking great. Anywho, things are awesome and great and LOUIS CK IS HOSTING THIS SATURDAY WITH SAM SMITH! Then Anna Kendrick on April 5th with Pharrell and then Seth Rogen on April 12th with Ed Sheeran, really amazing line up.

GET PUMPED!

Movies I've watched since the last time I posted a "movies I've watched" list:
Notting Hill
No Country for Old Men
Music & Lyrics
Thor
Bad Grandpa
Hunger Games: Catching Fire
The Deep Blue Sea
Anchorman 2
50 First Dates
Closer
The Wolf of Wall Street
Mortal Instruments
Frozen
Fear
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Never Let Me Go
American Hustle
Dallas Buyers Club

I'm such a cinephile, help!

Jimmy Kimmel Swingers: Bradley Cooper, Anne Hathaway, Christina Essenelle, and Jared Leto

JIMMY

My next guests opted to do their interview together, and are quite the dynamic couple, please welcome, Bradley Cooper and Christina Essenelle! (the audience cheers loudly and CHRISTINA comes out with BRADLEY on her arm, she is holding a big bag and is wearing a black and multicolored dress that is billowing. BRADLEY is wearing a blue suit. JIMMY gives BRADLEY a big clap on the back and CHRISTINA lunges for him and they spin hugging-as always-They're about to sit down when they try to figure out who's going to sit next to JIMMY first)

BRADLEY

Oh what're we doing here.

CHRISTINA

You go ahead.

BRADLEY

Yeah? Ok. (BRADLEY sits next to JIMMY and CHRISTINA is on the couch and puts her big bag behind it) What's up!

JIMMY

(laughs) Hey! Gotta say Bradley you were looking quite dapper at the Oscars this Sunday! (the crowd cheers)

BRADLEY

Oh jeez, yeah it was a lot of fun, Ellen was great.

JIMMY

Oh I know, what was your favorite part of the whole experience? 

CHRISTINA

Oh! (goes into her bag and pulls out two white boards and two white board markers, she gives one to BRADLEY of each)

JIMMY

Uh, what?

BRADLEY

Yeah, my favorite part of the Oscar's was...(BRADLEY writes something down on the board and then looks over to CHRISTINA)

CHRISTINA

Don't look cheater!

BRADLEY

You done?

CHRISTINA

Uhhhh...yes!

BRADLEY

Alright-

JIMMY

What is happening here?!

BRADLEY

My favorite part of the Oscar's was...(reveals his white board) Pranking with Anne Hathaway.

JIMMY

What! What kind of pranks did you do?

CHRISTINA

And I put...Stuff with Anne Hathaway, do I still get a point Jimmy? (the crowd laughs)

JIMMY

What!! Uh, yes, yes you get a point.

BRADLEY

Yes! (he kisses CHRISTINA on the cheek and the crowd awes)

JIMMY

So what were you Anne Hathaway doing to others?

BRADLEY

Well, as you all know, we're lovers, so-

JIMMY

(baffled) No we don't know that, back it up!

CHRISTINA

What?

BRADLEY

Yeah what's the big deal? Anne and I are lovers, she's my side lover. 

JIMMY

And (to CHRISTINA) you're okay with this?

CHRISTINA

Oh come on Jimmy I have to be fair, she was here first.

BRADLEY

In fact, babe! (the door opens and ANNE HATHAWAY walks out waving to an over-joyous crowd) There she is. (CHRISTINA gets up and BRADLEY takes CHRISTINA's seat next to ANNE, CHRISTINA is now sitting next to JIMMY. BRADLEY kisses ANNE on the lips briefly and they are very much wrapped in each other's presence) 

ANNE

Oh hey Jimmy.

JIMMY

(still baffled) I was not made aware of this!

CHRISTINA

Well we knew there could only be two guests so we broke the rules a little.

JIMMY

(laughing) I want to say I'm surprised, but I know you too well Christina. By the way, OSCAR WINNING ACTRESS CHRISTINA ESSENELLE EVERYONE! (the crowd goes nuts, CHRISTINA blushes and takes out her Oscar, along with 36 shot glasses) Woah, I don't think you've won that many awards.

CHRISTINA

(laughs) No I've won 6 awards now, one Emmy, two golden globes, two BAFTAS, and an Oscar. But I figured I'd bring enough shots for each of us. (She starts pouring alcohol while the camera pans to ANNE and BRADLEY cuddling and looking romantic)

JIMMY

(CHRISTINA finishes GUILLERMO's shots, he sits down in front of JIMMY's desk) We're all going to be on the floor by the end of this show.

CHRISTINA

Hey it'll make the concert after this even better!

JIMMY

You better stop winning awards soon cause six shots is a lot. 

CHRISTINA

Well we can be little girls when we're dead, is how I look at it. (she finishes another shot set and passes it to ANNE who looks like she was clearly not informed of this shot taking, CHRISTINA notices ANNE's apprehension and then takes out a bottle of sprite) Don't worry I came prepared. But yeah I had so much fun at the Oscar's, I actually met my swinger there!

JIMMY

Don't tell me you have someone behind those doors that I was not made aware of as well...(she smiles and passes BRADLEY six shots)

CHRISTINA

Jimmy, you're the best.

JIMMY

(the audience laughs) Oh my God. (the door opens and out comes JARED LETO wearing a nice black suit, CHRISTINA stops pouring and gets up to give JARED a big hug and then he takes her hand and sits in her seat) 

JARED

Got the best seat in the house, sweetheart. (the audience screams and CHRISTINA sits on his lap sideways, heels now on JIMMY's desk. The audience is still freaking out and now JARED is pouring the last 12 shots) Hey Jimmy.

JIMMY

...Yeah, hey Jared! Congrats on the Oscar as well! I feel woefully unprepared. 

JARED

Speaking of woeful, where's my kiss, honey?

CHRISTINA

Well you were so busy talkin-(JARED reaches his hand up and pulls her head down and kisses her, not for very long, but longer than BRADLEY and ANNE did. The audience goes wild, CHRISTINA orients herself)So yeah, we're lovers now.

JIMMY

You two are lovers now.

CHRISTINA AND JARED

Yes.

JIMMY

Oh so do you guys have like cute nicknames for each other?

JARED

Oh well of course, I call her Christina-weena whenever she's being super cute that day. 

JIMMY

Oh really? And Christina? What do you call Jared?

CHRISTINA

(clearly thinking on the spot) Jared? Oh loads of names...

JIMMY

What's one that stands out?

CHRISTINA

Oh you know, um, well, (looking at JARED, he's smiling) Mr. Poppers.

JIMMY

Mr. Poppers.

CHRISTINA

Yeah, that's cute.

JARED

Yeah.

JIMMY

And where did the name come from?

CHRISTINA

(coughs) Why don't I tell you after our first two shots? (the audience cheers)

JIMMY 

 (joking) Yeah let's clear our heads. (everyone raises their shot glasses) To the Oscars! 

EVERYONE

To the Oscars! (they do their first shot with few complaints)

CHRISTINA

(holding up the Sprite) Anyone need this?

ANNE

(wiping her mouth, she holds up her hand) Yeah. (the audience laughs)

JIMMY

You good Anne? (she gives a thumbs up) Second shot, to pizza! May it always be at the Oscars.

EVERYONE

To pizza! (everyone does their second shot and there are more complaints this time)

BRADLEY

Good grief, gimme that Sprite. (he snatches it from ANNE)

JIMMY

So, Mr. Poppers came from where?

CHRISTINA

See, now with my head clear I can remember. Mr. Poppers came from that one time, we were having breakfast, cereal, Rice Krispies actually, and he said you're my snap and crackle babe and I said and your Mr. Poppers! (the audience laughs at how ridiculous that is)

JIMMY

His name is Pop!

JARED

Hey she was close enough.

JIMMY

Ok, well, what's your favorite move in bed, cause clearly you two are having a lot of sex. (the audience screams)

JARED

Oh yeah...you bet. 

CHRISTINA 

We love the su-su-super sammy 9000.

JIMMY

The what!?

JARED

The...super sammy 9000, yeah that one. But that story is unlocked with two more shots.

BRADLEY

Uggggggh!

JIMMY

(raising his shot glass with everyone) Uhh, to Anne being an award announcer at the Oscars!

EVERYONE 

To Anne!

JIMMY

Quick, next one, next one, (everyone is groaning) blame Christina!

ANNE

DAMN YOU CHRISTINA! (the audience laughs while the soda bottle goes around)

JIMMY

No one has herpes right? Ha ha, ok, shot number four-

BRADLEY

I might die here tonight.

JIMMY

To Bradley, Jared, and Christina's oscar nomination!

EVERYONE

Yaaaaaayy...(after they finish their shots ANNE lays down on BRADLEY's lap)

ANNE

I'm dead.

JARED

(holding onto CHRISTINA) So...my cousin Sammy-

JIMMY

Oh we're doing the story now? Good..good...(the audience laughs)

JARED

Sammy had a bad brain. And he was in a mental institute and he loved superman, and one day he jumped off the top of a (giggles) building...cause he thought he was superman. And he died. (CHRISTINA and JARED have their faces hidden from camera but look as though they are laughing)

JIMMY

You guys are idiots.

CHRISTINA

(holds up another shot, drunkenly) To idiots!

JIMMY

No! (CHRISTINA is now playing with JARED'S hair) The 5th shot is to Jared's oscar!

EVERYONE BUT ANNE

To Jared! (Everyone takes their shot and ANNE just lays on BRADLEY groaning)

ANNE

Someone take my shot for me.

EVERYONE BUT GUILLERMO

No!

GUILLERMO

...I can take it.

 JIMMY

We're gonna get so many calls about binge drinking dangers, to the kids, do not try this at home.

CHRISTINA

(to JIMMY about JARED's hair) Have you felt this? It's like silk.(the audience laughs and JIMMY touches it)

JIMMY

Like an angel. Hey Bradley you doing good (BRADLEY has his head back on the back on the couch, he gives JIMMY a thumbs up) Oh boy, and you two are fine?

CHRISTINA

Define fine, haha de-fine.

JARED

(laughs into CHRISTINA's chest) You're ridiculous. The final shot!

JIMMY

To Christina's oscar!

JARED, JIMMY, CHRISTINA, AND GUILLERMO

TO CHRISTINA!

JIMMY

  (they take their shots and groan, CHRISTINA puts her head behind JARED) Ladies and gentlemen we're be right back so stick around!

Golden Globe Winners

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Christian Bale, “American Hustle”
Bruce Dern, “Nebraska”
Leonardo DiCaprio, “The Wolf of Wall Street”
Oscar Isaac, “Inside Llewyn Davis”
Joaquin Phoenix, “Her”

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
“The Big Bang Theory”
“Brooklyn Nine-Nine”
“Girls”
“Modern Family”
“Parks & Recreation”

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

Alfonso Cuaron, “Gravity”
Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips”
Steve McQueen, “12 Years a Slave”
Christopher Nolan "Nightwing"
David O. Russell, “American Hustle”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Zooey Deschanel, “New Girl”
Lena Dunham, “Girls”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Veep”
Amy Poehler, “Parks & Recreation”

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
“The Croods”
“Despicable Me 2″
“Frozen”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Matt Damon, “Behind the Candelabra”
Michael Douglas, “Behind the Candelabra”
Chiwetel Ejiofor, “Dancing on the Edge”
Idris Elba, “Luther”
Al Pacino, “Phil Spector”

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
“Blue is the Warmest Color”
“The Great Beauty”
“The Hunt”
“The Past”
“The Wind Rises”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jason Bateman, “Arrested Development”
Don Cheadle, “House of Lies”
Michael J. Fox, “The Michael J. Fox Show”
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”
Andy Samberg, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
Spike Jonze, “Her”
Christopher Nolan and Jonathan Nolan "Nightwing"
Jeff Pope, Steve Coogan, “Philomena”
John Ridley, “12 Years A Slave”
Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell, “American Hustle”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Barkhad Abdi, “Captain Phillips”
Javier Bardem "Nightwing"
Bradley Cooper, “American Hustle”
Michael Fassbender, “12 Years a Slave”
Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
Tatiana Maslany, “Orphan Black”
Taylor Schilling, “Orange Is The New Black”
Kerry Washington, “Scandal”
Robin Wright, “House Of Cards”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Amy Adams, “American Hustle”
Julie Delpy, “Before Midnight”
Greta Gerwig, “Frances Ha”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Enough Said”
Meryl Streep, “August: Osage County”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Josh Charles, “The Good Wife”
Rob Lowe, “Behind the Candelabra”
Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad”
Corey Stoll, “House of Cards”
Jon Voight, “Ray Donovan”

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
“Atlas,” “Hunger Games: Catching Fire”
Music by: Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion
Lyrics by: Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion

“Let It Go,” “Frozen”
Music by: Kristen Anderson Lopez, Robert Lopez
Lyrics by: Kristen Anderson Lopez, Robert Lopez

“Ordinary Love,” “Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom”
Music by: Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen, Jr., Brian Burton
Lyrics by: Bono

“Please Mr Kennedy,” “Inside Llewyn Davis”
Music by: Ed Rush, George Cromarty, T Bone Burnett, Justin Timberlake, Joel
Coen, Ethan Coen
Lyrics by: Ed Rush, George Cromarty, T Bone Burnett, Justin Timberlake, Joel
Coen, Ethan Coen

“Sweeter Than Fiction,” “One Chance”
Music by: Taylor Swift, Jack Antonoff
Lyrics by: Taylor Swift, Jack Antonoff

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE
Alex Ebert, “All Is Lost”
Alex Heffes, “Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom”
Steven Price, “Gravity”
John Williams, “The Book Thief”
Hans Zimmer, “12 Years A Slave”

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
“Breaking Bad”
“Downton Abbey”
“The Good Wife”
“House Of Cards”
“Masters Of Sex”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Liev Schreiber, “Ray Donovan”
Michael Sheen, “Masters of Sex”
Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards”
James Spader, “The Blacklist”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Helena Bonham Carter, “Burton and Taylor”
Rebecca Ferguson, “White Queen”
Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story: Coven”
Helen Mirren, “Phil Spector”
Elisabeth Moss, “Top of the Lake”

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
“American Horror Story: Coven”
“Behind The Candelabra”
“Dancing on the Edge”
“Top of the Lake”
“White Queen”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Jacqueline Bisset, “Dancing on the Edge”
Janet McTeer, “White Queen”
Hayden Panettiere , “Nashville”
Monica Potter, “Parenthood”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Christina Essenelle "Nightwing"
Jennifer Lawrence “American Hustle”
Lupita Nyong’o, “12 Years a Slave”
Julia Roberts, “August: Osage County”
June Squibb, “Nebraska”

************************************************

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
“12 Years a Slave”
“Captain Phillips”
“Gravity”
“Nightwing"
“Rush”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Cate Blanchett, “Blue Jasmine”
Sandra Bullock, “Gravity”
Judi Dench, “Philomena”
Emma Thompson, “Saving Mr. Banks”
Kate Winslet, “Labor Day”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Chiwetel Ejiofor, “12 Years a Slave”
Idris Elba, “Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom”
Tom Hanks, “Captain Phillips”
Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club”
Robert Redford, “All Is Lost”

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
“American Hustle”
“Her”
“Inside Llewyn Davis”
“Nebraska”
“The Wolf Of Wall Street”

Hashtag So Blessed

EMMY
Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Christina Essenelle-Saturday Night Live
GOLDEN GLOBE
Best Motion Picture-Drama: Nightwing
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture: Christina Essenelle-Nightwing
BAFTA
Supporting Actress Winner: Christina Essenelle-Nightwing
EE Rising Star: Christina Essenelle
OSCAR
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture: Christina Essenelle-Nightwing