It's Not My Midnight Yet

Wow.

It's been a minute, huh?

Last off was January 2016, and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN. I mean obviously.

PROFESSIONALLY
No more movies since Nolan series sadly. SNL tenure ended in 2017 with a couple of guest appearances over the past few years. Starred in Haunting on Hill House (Theo), reoccurring role in Orange is the New Black (Annalisa). Couple of guest slots of TV shows like Portlandia. Documentary Now! Dressing Funny, Barry, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and Broad City. Been touring every now and then with stand-up.

ROMANTICALLY 
What drama. Last you heard (if you only follow this blog, which would be hilarious) I was with Alex Turner. We dated, fell in love, the whole nine yards up until June 2016. That's when things went south. Alex and I had an amazing time together, he used to watch me do ballet at Joffrey, we'd watch horrible TV together and amazing TV together (Bachelor and Lost respectively) and we had a lot of fun on that sad broken couch I refused to throw out. I truly loved him. But ... maybe I should've read the get-back-together post I did when Jules and I got back together the first time.

Here's what happened. Julian was doing a radio show called 'Culture Void' back in Spring of 2016 and I used to listen to it to make sure he wasn't talking about me or to find out what he was talking about, make sure he was okay, etc. I'm in my kitchen sitting at my dining room table with Alex and Miles Kane when he says he will be playing a new Strokes song on his radio show. Song called, 'oblivious' 'OBLIVIUS'. We three listen to the entire song and I swear, my heart dropped during it. The chorus has the same chord structure as 'Out of the Blue' the song Julian wrote for me, and sang to me back when I was still with ANDY. ANDY! SIX YEARS AGO! The words were killing me. 'What side are you standing on?' 'Get you with your pajamas on' 'Playing the new toys, looking at the sad boys' ''And we take what we hide from them, and then say, what do you want from me?' Jules always sad that Alex Turner looked like a 'sad boy' in a 'sad boy band', that for a relationship to be real you needed to see one another in your actual pajamas. That I had to choose between AM and TS. I remember sitting at that dining room table and staring at my computer. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't. He then plugged that The Strokes would be playing at the Govenors Ball music festival at Randall's Park Island. I had no intention of going before the song. But now? I had to see him. I had to confront him, I had to do something. Alex hated the idea. And he should've. If I never went to Gov Ball, I don't know if I'd be with Julian today.

I go to Gov Ball. Alone. I try and get backstage access to see Julian before the set starts and understandably I'm stopped by Albert and Nick. Nick furious I would show up and Albert playing father figure, getting me to leave. I go towards the front of the Gov Ball Stage. Haim is playing, it's raining and I see him. He's on the side of the stage, watching his former drummer Danielle Haim perform. While he's nodding along to the music, he finally notices me and is taken aback. He leaves the stage and I see him exit the VIP section and enter the muddy fray. He goes up to me,

JULIAN

What're you doing here?

CHRISTINA

I had to see you. I had to, I'm sorry. 

JULIAN

Where's Alex?

CHRISTINA

[pause] I don't know. 

JULIAN

Come on, let's get out of the rain. 

We went inside. We talked briefly. I told him the truth. That I could never not love him. That I'm a fuck-up. That he should hate me as I hated myself. He was angry. Said that we couldn't keep doing this on and off bullshit. That he deserved someone who would stay. I go to leave and he kisses me. He tells me that he hates that he loves me. But he can't help it. We have sex in a closet. The Strokes perform and afterwards we go back to his new apartment. Two bedroom, two bath. Open kitchen. Hardwood floors. Floor to ceiling windows. $5,500/month. Airplane seating. Midtown Manhattan, 38th/8th. The itchiest carpet to ever exist on the planet. Record player. Flat-screen TV. (Does not-flat-screen exist?). We eat food on that itchy carpet. We had sex on that itchy carpet. We must've stayed up that entire night, ignoring phone calls from obligations, people thinking we had vanished, Strokes' members knowingly pissed at Julian for ditching them for a chick. I didn't care. I was selfish. I wanted it all. 

I return to California to face Alex. I return home to a sushi platter in the shape of a heart and about a million roses. My heart breaks further. I can't do it. I say I need to go on a trip. SNL reunion. I lie. I go to Le Mans, France and meet up with Julian. We watch the 24 Hours Le Mans Formula 1 race, our car wins, we're in the pit and it's loud but exciting. We start getting antsy and head up to Oslo, Norway for what can only be explained as the greatest week of my life. We go to museums, zoo's, our hotel room was so futuristic and masculine and dark, we boat, we have a private 11 course dinner for two and get hammered, we even zip-lined down the ski jump from the Winter Olympics. We were so in love. I remember the sun and the water and the music. 

We returned back to reality. I still hadn't broken up with Alex. Not technically. I finally break down to him and tell him that I cheated on him with Julian in Europe. He doesn't believe me. I show him pictures of our trip. He still doesn't believe me and leaves. He goes on tour with the Last Shadow Puppets and gets heckled on stage, starts performing belligerently. I visit him in Chicago on July 28th, 2016 with Julian. He comments that if he went with me to Gov Ball, things would be different. I agree. Alex backs off, though continues to defend me in interviews. Saying that I'm lying to make him seem like the victim so that people will pity him and be more sympathetic to him and resent me. I cheated on him. This happened. I don't know why I'd lie about this and make myself out to be this asshole. I promise you, universe, I am that asshole. 

Julian and I move into a new apartment in New York City with his two dogs and things stay calm and cool and collected for a while ... we were happy in that apartment together from August 2016 - July 2017. Almost a full year of nothing but love, we even got engaged. It wasn't until The Voidz started revving up that the craziness started again, but this time I wasn't running. I had to stop running. I followed Jules to LA to record 'Virture' as well as to all performances I could (hell of a tour) as long as I wasn't filming. We end up returning to the LA house, which was previously being rented on AirBnB when we were in NYC. I hadn't spoken to The Strokes' members in years. I figured they hated me. I figured right. 

The Strokes started doing shows again in Spring 2017, mostly in South America and Jules did that by himself. I was filming OITNB then so I was busy in New York. They didn't perform again for two years so I figured I could ignore them but with this new comeback tour ... I had to face my once-friends. To be honest, I missed them like I missed family. I don't have family, so this was the closest to it. They were like brothers to me, Nick and I were especially close and I think I hurt him the most. The Strokes had a show in LA, May 2019, then onto Canada, England, Poland, Spain, France and back stateside to Chicago. I didn't want to exacerbate the problem between myself and them further so I just met them when they performed in LA. 'Met them', lord. I explained myself, they seemed justifiably pissed, justifiably annoyed with Julian for backsliding into his idiot ex and put a ring on it. We got along better at Lollapalooza in Chicago, it's a work in progress. 

Some of my faves over the years --

From Kimmel show

Wild

It's been a wild week.

Julian and Alexa? Okay.

I'm back in NYC

Golden Globes with Alex and the killer look of a thousand suns.

Ballet, Chicago this weekend.

Agh.

Pics of this babe.

Still writing big fat quiz, we lost, but it was fun.

A Week in the Coldorado

Coldorado, haha, get it? Instead of Colorado? I'm great.

Arrive December 27th
Dinner - Cabin 6:30pm

Left for the airport at 11am, plane left at 12:50, well, it was scheduled to leave then and then I fell asleep and 45 minutes later we still didn't take off so that was funny. Haha, but the flight was pretty good! I got to color in an adult coloring book (super cool, right? haha) and then we landed, froze on the bus to the hotel, ate food and passed OUT. So tired, but a great day nonetheless.

 view from First Class

 Hotel

December 28th Saddleback Ranch-1pm
Dinner- Yama/Sushi 6:30pm
Ah, what an awesome day. Most people are skiing/snowboarding (4 Strokes, 2 Monkeys, and Justyna). Illy and Nikolai are doing stuff with the kids (tubing today I believe), and then Alex and Nick are staying around the hotel doing various things. At 10:30am Alex, Nick and I got breakfast at the hotel cafe (salmon bagel for the win!), and then played some card games and watched some TV back in the hotel room. Then Alex and I were off to horseback riding! (Alex's Christmas gift from me). We listened to music on the way up, what a gorgeous view as well. Snowiest Alex has ever seen. He showed me a song that reminded him of me and I did the same, I love exchanging music. I love when people say "Oh you're hanging with Alex Turner he's such a badass" because to me he is like the tiniest little puppy dog, adorable and full of love.

The ranch was freezing cold, thankfully we got hand warmers. Alex was so unbelievable under-dressed it was ridiculous. He was wearing ski trousers over regular trousers and then just a long sleeve shirt and a leather jacket, which was ridiculous. Forgot GLOVES! We bought some there but still. Our toes were frozen by the end of the ride. Ugh, and what a fun ride it was. It was 2 hours and there was a race somehow involved and so they told people to get team names by who they came with, so there was 'The Barkley Family' and 'Rob and Gemma' and 'The Miloths' and Alex and my team name which was 'Jasper and Jinx'. We figured it would be funny to pretend to be someone else since all the other team names were just. . . their names. So we were Jasper and Jinx for this trip and no one recognized either of us since we were decked out head to toe in snow gear (Alex was more recognizable but still, no dice) and it was hilarious. We were both from Sheffield, married for two years, no kids, had a first kiss story, wedding stories (small wedding but large reception), it was hilarious. Alex wasn't super comfortable on a horse but it was too funny not to watch him struggle with that horse. I just had so much fun laughing and just goofing around. I think the only time I stopped smiling was when we got back to the cabin for hot chocolate and I had to defrost my toes. We actually were so exhausted that we both fell asleep on the bus back. Then, as per request by Alex we attempted to watch Richard Ayoade's move Submarine but both fell asleep. I'm going to watch it once I finish writing this post.

Dinner didn't go as planned. We got downstairs and there was some kind of argument that led to Nick, Amanda, Albert, and Justyna to ditch dinner. Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk. So we went to this sushi place anyway, and the waitress was miserable but the food was pretty okay. Haha. Also, on the horseback riding trip Alex and I signed up for an ICE CLIMBING CLASS so get ready for that story tomorrow! Haha.

Pics!

 alex's horse on the right, my horse in front!

my horse loved Snow

Saw this on the walk back from Sushi

December 29th
Ice Climbing-1pm
Dinner -E3 Chop 6:00pm

Oh my god. I watched Submarine, cried. Thank you Richard Ayoade for such a beautiful film. And thank you Alex for that gorgeous soundtrack. . . love the film bit with Alex's 'Hiding Tonight'. Ah, so freaking good. Apparently the book is funny? Gotta read it. Can't wait to see Richard Ayoade for BIG FAT QUIZ OF EVERYTHING!! We fly out on the 3rd I believe and immediately film for 20+ hours on the 4th, editing on the 5th, premieres on the 6th!

Alex and I went ice climbing today!! It was absolutely phenomenal, he's really good at it! Got right up to the top of the frozen waterfall in like . . . 10 minutes (pretty quick for a beginner). What we did was trek for 1/4 mile to this frozen waterfall (no easy task!) and then we got these little ice picks and crampons on our feet and just, well, did it! It was fun! Exhausting though, thought I might pass out after I made it to the top. We had Matt and Nick join us after an hour or so and their instructor brought guide dogs that were so sweet! We actually were out in the woods so long that we almost missed dinner! Whoops! Well worth it though. Our instructor was very cool, lived out of his car, loved the stars and planets, and the moon. Alex's favorite part was me screaming when I reached the top, my favorite part was watching Alex uncomfortably get into his gear, haha.

















December 30th + December 31st

Sick as a dog. :( Spent the entire two days in bed watching the Mighty Boosh and sleeping, trying to keep fluids in, chugging water/gatorade, and sleeping. Feverish and dying. No fun. Missed NYE too! Ugh, oh well.

Okay, so I had the most stoner doctor ever, he was hilarious in a kind of off-putting way. Gave me a z-pack and codeine and since Jules was with the strokes skiing I went with Alex. It was rough, I basically shook and slept while he had to pick up food and prescriptions for me. Poor guy! But incredibly nice guy <3

Mr. Turner, New Year's Eve

January 1st Grand Spa 11:00am
Dinner- Harwig's 6:00pm

Happy New Year! Jules and I got a couples massage because I started to feel better and I got beaten to death by the woman but I knew I needed it. I then went back to my room to sleep off some of the sickness. I did somewhat rally for dinner but felt very feverish right after. We played a nice game of poker and I dominated. Lost to Albert in the end but it was close!

January 2nd - Downtown shopping
Dinner- Bistro C.V. 6:15pm

Last full day in Colorado! Half of us went downtown to get some grub and look at the shops. Lots of geodes and jewelry here! I didn't get anything but Amanda and Justyna definitely had a ball. I tried to get the group to go to a dispensary but they wouldn't touch that idea with a 10-foot pole. I get it, if we were photographed it wouldn't look great but we're in Colorado! Gotta at least have a look right?

It's funny my TV has been just set to Bravo for the past 48 hours and I gotta say, Andy Cohen you rock. Dinner was PHENOMENAL. Truly, one of the best dinners I've had. I had this amazing yellow tail appetizer and then the foie gras for my meal. So freakin' delicious. And now tomorrow I head to London with Alex for the BIG FAT QUIZ!! I'm so excited. I'll try and update you as I can but I obviously can't talk about the episode until after it airs. It's gonna be great! We're staying with Noel too!


Depart January 3rd

Private Jet for Alex and I to London!!

Extra of Nick :)

A Week in the Arctic

It was supposed to be Julian, Fab and Alex Turner (of the Arctic Monkeys) staying at my place from December 17th through the 27th and then Colorado till the 3rd and then back in CA till the 10th. But then The Strokes decided now would be the perfect time to start studio recording/travelling to find the perfect studio A.K.A. I spent the 21st-24th with just Alex. It was actually a lot of fun! He's a really sweet guy. The first day we spent literally drinking tea, reading magazines, and wrapping presents. The next day we joined Illy (the girls didn't join the boys on their music bonding bro trip) to the doctor and then got In n Out because ALEX HAD NEVER GONE BEFORE. It was delicious. Then we went out to dinner with the rest of the Arctic Monkeys to Cafe Gratitude (a vegan restaurant in LA) and then slept over at Matt Helder's place after watching a movie and Friends on netflix. Next day was more wrapping, more tea, more magazines, video games, TV, and then Justyna and I went to a Lakers game and watched them get their asses handed to them by the Oklahoma thunder. After hitting up the bars I went home, bothered Alex for a while, and then crashed. 

Julian and the gang came back Christmas Eve! We had all 15 of us (five strokes, four strokes girlfriends, four arctic monkeys, two kids) in my California house. We had a nice dinner, plenty of wine, lots of laughs. I love the other members of the Arctic Monkeys, they remind me of a combination of Fab and Nikolai, hilarious and quiet.

Christmas was a MASSIVE success. I (in order) got a giant crystal vase with dozens of flowers from Albert and Justyna, massive bouquet of edible arrangements from Matt Helders, a security system that goes to my iPhone from Nick Valensi, a crystal skull filled with vodka from Amanda, a set of gorgeous gold foil mugs from Fab, a pottery class for Illy and I to do together in Colorado from Illy, a very pretty necklace from Nikolai, a set of fancy teas from Jamie (suggestion a la Alex), bath and body works massive gift basket from Nick O'Malley, and, literally the coolest fucking thing from someone I've literally known a week:well, let me explain first. Alex and I were talking about British shows and I was telling him that I was excited to watch the 2015 Big Fat Quiz of the Year because of David Mitchell, Richard Ayoade, etc. and he said that he'd never seen the show, so, we watched 2013, 2014 and then 2011 to watch me make a hugh fool of myself and I was telling him how I'd love to be on the show again but I'd only really do it with Noel, Richard, Matt Berry or someone else I had worked with. So, Alex got me two things: one of which being the coolest fucking thing ever: a spot on the Big Fat Quiz of Everything, AKA filming right after we get back from Colorado AND Noel and Richard are on the show as well as Jonathan Ross and Chelsea Peretti!! Alex is joining me, of course, and we ARE GOING TO WIN! I am so fucking excited, I have so much to do, I need to get a plane ticket, a rockin' outfit for the taping, beg Noel to let Alex and I stay with him, etc., etc. The other gift is also amazing, it's the right to a small tattoo of my choosing on any part of Alex and I AM EXCITED. Lastly I got the best gift ever from the best person ever, Jules. I got a HOUSE. It's the current house that I'm renting and it's been a pain in the ass but I could never get it and the owner kept saying that I couldn't buy it but somehow Julian negotiated and I am now a homeowner! I just have to sign some paperwork and then I own Christina's Palace of Crazy!

In terms of giving gifts I gave Fab these awesome fur shoes, customized wood coasters with AM on one side and O'Malley on the other for Nick O'Malley, a Harry and David massive gift of everything food related for Jamie, a bottle of wine with Amanda's name on it, a trip for two to Napa Valley for Nick Valensi to take Amanda, a water color class in Colorado to take with Illy (what a coincidence that we got similar things for one another!), a paint printed group photo of all of us for Matt, a base strap customized with pictures of Nikolai and Illy's kids for Nikolai, a go pro for Albert, a boho dress for Justyna, a horse back riding trip for Alex and me and a mixtape of his 10 favorite songs sung a la me because of something that happened over the week, and a 10 day European vacation for Julian and I in March!! We are going to Munich, Vienna, Venice, Verona, Lucerne, and then we end back in Germany (Frankfurt). What an amazing haul, loving every minute of this combined Christmas!

Cloudy and gloomy in LA this week

 Alex pointed out a cross in the wood of Cafe Gratitude and I took a picture because our waiter asked us what we believed in as the "question of the day"

 calabasas!

 the goofs

 lakers game from our box!

goofs take 2

California/Colorado

Julian Casablancas
Alex Turner-lead vocals
Fab Moretti
Matt Helders-drums
Nick Valensi
Jamie Cook-guitar
Nikolai Fraiture
Nick O'Malley-bass
Albert Hammond Jr.


Christina's House of Crazy
Julian Casablancas
Fab Moretti
Alex Turner
Matt Helders

Nikolai's California Paradise
Wife and kids
Nick Valensi and Amanda DeCadanet
Albert Hammond Jr. and Justyna Sroka

And then the rest of the Arctic Monkeys are with family. I really like the Arctic Monkeys! We flew from New York together to California and we're all travelling to Colorado together for some winter fun!

By the way in terms of interviews for A Brief Pause, they are being transcribed!

Fuck Ties

What a wonderful tour it has been! Jules and I are on a separate touring vehicle so there's not the constant bickering and bitching about my presence and it's also like a mini vacation. I am leaving tonight however because I start working at Viacom doing some development with the teams over there. However I'm only missing the middle east tour destinations (Israel and Turkey) and I'm quite alright with missing those. I got to hang out with Robert Downy Jr. the other day! (Switzerland) He was there vacationing and we spent a night out while Julian performed. It was definitely a lot of fun.

Here's a pic of the babe at the pool.

Dinner Bash

Oh how things heated up right after I posted yesterday's blog! Well, after I posted it Nikolai and I were joking around cause it was late and everyone was getting drunk and we were just kind of watching fearfully and so Niko bet me $50 that after Beardo finished his drink he would dance on the table and I bet him $50 that after Justyna's drink she'd straddle Albert. WELL, right after Beardo finished his drink he stood up and I grabbed Nikolai's hands and braced for the imminent dance and this happened:

BEARDO

Everyone...I'd just like to make a toast, it's great having both bands together having a good time, cause you know what? We're both great bands and we should celebrate the music! (ALBERT rolls his eyes and whispers something to NICK) What're you rollin' your eyes for, man?

ALBERT

What? Nothing dude, calm down.

BEARDO

Fuck you man I was trying to say something nice. (a few hands go up to sit BEARDO down but ALBERT puts his hands up to calm them)

ALBERT

It's alright, it's alright. He's just upset he couldn't play the guitar riffs today-(BEARDO nearly jumps the table while AMIR and JAKE hold him back and FAB hits ALBERT on the shoulder scolding him. CHRISTINA and NIKOLAI are now laughing quietly while covering their faces)

BEARDO

(to CHRISTINA) And what the fuck are you laughing at? You're the one who caused all of this!

CHRISTINA

(incredulously) Me?! 

BEARDO

Yeah! You ended the Strokes and so we came out and now you made us have to be friends with them! (CHRISTINA is agape and no one says anything, she turns to JULIAN who has his head down and is shaking his head. CHRISTINA gets up and slaps down JULIAN's hand which tried to grab her back. She goes up to BEARDO who is now seated and gets on his eye level and stares him down)

CHRISTINA

I don't give a fuck what you think. (she turns and walks away but BEARDO pushes her and without missing a beat she kicks one of the legs of his chair and it breaks causing him to fall on the ground. She continues to walk away as BEARDO gets up from the ground and lunges for her but misses and hits his head on the ground) Somebody clean this up. (and she leaves)

So, I didn't win the bet but I did get to watch Beardo knock himself unconscious, fucking drunk idiot. By the time I got to the room Julian was already there and I was so mad I almost went home, but, I don't quit that easily. I got three texts post-fight from Niko, Fab, and Ryan all asking if I was okay meanwhile I got one text from Jeff asking the same. It is now clear to me which band cares about my well-being more.